I used to compulsively take on others’ pain. I’ve been blessed/cursed with a freakish intuition capable of almost instantly discerning someone’s internal state. The only time I’m unclear is when it has to do with me since that stirs up my belief system and the lenses to perception that go with it. But as long as I stay objective, I feel like I sense nearly everything. And in my mind, that has always made me responsible. To fix it. To make it better.
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A wise woman easily saw this in me and she called me out on it: “You were born a natural healer Adina. But nobody showed you how. You grew up with people cut off from their feelings and with great suffering so you took it upon yourself to alleviate their pain. But when you take others’ pain on, you short circuit their healing process. It’s not the way to be a healer. You do it because you can’t bear to live in a painful world.” Just peer straight into my heart why don’t you. But her words rang so true. .
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I’m in recovery now. Whatever that means. I’m shifting. I’m allowing people their path, their choices. I’m coming to terms with how much I’ve neglected my own self. I’m feeding my heart the romance it craves. Sun filled mornings in aspen groves that feel eternal. Except this wasn’t a grove, this was a whole forest in the San Juan mountains. ♥️
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