August 15, 2017 It was the first day of school. . . .Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Silly boy, sitting in his car seat and when I wanted to take a picture he smiled all funny like that. I love this picture ❤️ Miss him so much. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Some pics of Zander opening birthday presents through the years. He was always so happy and so appreciative. I loved seeing him happy and smiling and surprised. The last picture is his 18th, his last birthday. You can see how much he had changed, he looked so terribly sad. We tried everything we could. Nothing would help 💔😪 . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Happy 21st Birthday Zander. I wish you were here. 💔😢 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
April 10, 2018 6 years ago this past Wednesday. He loved playing tennis with his high school team, something happened though between him and his coach and he never told us about it. He ended up not playing his senior year. His coach came to his funeral, but he wasn't nice to my youngest son after Zander died, whereas he used to be nice and say hi to him in the hallways, he stopped doing that and basically pretended he never saw him. (My youngest son is 2 years younger than Zan so they went to the same high school together) So even though I love the memories of Zander playing tennis, they're tainted with that terrible coach. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #tennis #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
This was April 11, 2017. We went up on the Skyline Drive and went on a hike. Zander made me a bouquet. Technically you're not supposed to pick the wildflowers, but we hiked to an old farm site on the side of the mountain, the daffodils were from bulbs planted way back from when people lived there before every single person who lived up there were kicked out by the federal government in order to build the Skyline Drive, they made it a national park. But my sweet Zander picked me these and tied them with stems and gave me a bouquet 💐 This was a good day. I miss him so much . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Easter memories of Zander. He loved Easter, and Easter egg hunts. He always found the most eggs and the most money in the golden eggs. Now I put eggs at his grave, golden eggs with change in them. It's tragic.. . . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #Easter #eastermemories #easteregghunt
A happy boy with a chocolate Easter bunny. Such great memories 🐰🐇🌷 Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Look at that gorgeous, happy smile. This was at a church Easter party for the kids. Love you and miss you so much Zan my man ❤️ . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander with his Easter Basket, 2009. Miss this boy so much!!😥 Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
My beautiful, angelic Zander with his new bunnies on Easter 2009. 🐇🐰 Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Miss this guy so much. Wish he was still here. What would he be like? It's only been 2 years, but so much changes for kids at this age. He would be 20 now. We went out to eat with my sister and her kids and my eldest and 3rd born didn't come, and one of my nephews lives far away so he wasn't there, but still I imagine if Zander had been here, what he would've said.... what it would be like for him to still be here. We all had a good time, but still, it's always there, the thought of my Zan, that he should still be here. That smile. That cheeky grin. That beautiful red hair. God I miss him so much. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Some past New Years Eve celebrations with Zander. We were always together as a family on this day because it is Zander's little brothers (Sebastian's) birthday. I'm having a rough time with it. Today Sebastian is 19. A birthday Zander never got to have. And now Zander's little brother is older than him. It doesn't feel right. Sebastian is always supposed to be younger than Zander. How can this be? Zander is forever 18. He will never be 19, he is supposed to be 20 now, but he missed his past 2 birthdays. I will never know what Zander would've looked like at 19, or 20. He is forever frozen at 18. Also, we are heading into another year Zander will never see, Zander never left 2021. I've gone through 2022 and now all of 2023 without Zander. Each year we are leaving him behind, farther and farther behind us. I hate this. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Zander come back! I wish I had a time machine to use so I could go back and tell him not to do what he did, so I could explain all that he's missing and all the pain he left for us, if I could tell him he wouldnt have done it, I know he wouldve stayed. . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zan 2008 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander with Santa 🎅 So glad we have so many good memories. I cherish them all. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Cheers to an imperfect, but oh so perfect, fun and crazy night. Things don’t always go as planned… and that’s perfectly fine! 🎄❤️🤍💚 #thisisus #familyiseverything #rockingaround #missingzander
5 years ago today, 12/19/2018 At The Community Band Christmas Concert. They didn't like pictures, but were good sports for me. I wish so badly I could go back, back before any depression, before any drugs, back when all 5 of my boys went to watch their Grandad play in the Community Band Christmas Concert. Back when things were normal and good. Why do things have to change? I just want to stay there, in 2018 and make things perfect. . . . #Christmasmemories #christmasblues #Christmasdepression #griefatchristmas #whydothingshavetochange #iwanttogoback Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #imisshim #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogobacksobad #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
5 years ago today. Wish he was here 😪 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Tree trimming party December 10, 2020. This was the last tree trimming party we had. The last Christmas we had with Zander. I haven't gotten our decorations out since then. I just can't. I don't want to. I don't even feel like celebrating Christmas, except by going to midnight mass and Christmas morning mass. I'm doing advent candles now. That's it. But I know we still have to do something. So we will. I'm just not into it. How can I be with one of my children gone? I guess if one of my sons goes and gets a tree and puts it up, we will get ornaments from the store and new lights. When my sons all marry, they can decide who gets which ornaments and family Christmas decorations for their families. I can't keep the same traditions. I just can't. I wish he hadn't left us 😪 💔 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #iwanthimback #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
This was 6 years ago today. Our Christmas tree trimming family party. December 10, 2017 Christmas will never, ever be the same. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschool #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
6 years ago today Zander was in the Front Royal Christmas Parade marching with the high school band, playing the clarinet. Today was this year's Front Royal Christmas Parade. Of course I didn't go. I miss him so much. I still cannot believe this happened. It's been 2 years and I still just cannot believe this. It truly doesn't feel like 2 years at all though. Time is so different now. I'm tired of being here. I want to be with Zan. I can't imagine living 30 more years without him. I hope I don't live a long life. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
The Warren County High School Marching Wildcats Band at The Tournament of Bands Atlantic Coast Championship performance. Zander played the clarinet and was really good at marching, his band director said that Zan always knew where to be and that he could line the band up to him. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
6 years ago today we went to a haunted house with the boys. Zander loved these things, he wasn't scared at all. 🎃 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Reliving the worst days of my life.💔 2 years ago at this time we were searching for Zan. We had found his note on this day around this time 2 years ago October 27th, it was a Wednesday, he had been missing since the 25th a Monday. I had basically lost all hope of finding him alive. I just wanted to find him, to know.... . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #ihatesuicide
2 years....!?!? How? Why? I don't want any more days without him. I still have to take 1 day at a time. I miss him like crazy, I ache deep in my soul for him. I long to see him again. I hate this life without him. He should be here. He should be 20 years old. Instead this is our reality, he is forever 18 years old, 2 years ago today he walked out of our house and never came back. The guilt is forever there. The regret. 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #missingmyboy #ihatesuicide #somanyregrets #ifonly
Zander's last Halloween was 2020. Here he is on the end on the right dressed as Woody from Toy Story with the owners and coworkers of the local Ice Cream Shop he worked at. . We always had lots of fun on Halloween 🎃 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Miss you Zan.... . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
THANKS to those wonderful friends & family who've left special things @ Zan's grave. It looks so nice for fall, as the 2 year anniversary draws near it is comforting knowing others are thinking of him❤️ Please anyone feel free to leave him anything special, it stays there for a long time and if I have to remove it, we keep in in a safe place in his room. (Letters, candy, gifts, etc) if it can stay in the weather it stays there. I go up and tend to his grave everyday as I say prayers there, so nothing gets stolen or broken. It's a nice, quiet place to sit and talk to God or Zander ❤️✝️🙏🏻 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Miss him so much. The pain is so incredibly intense. The longing to have him here with us. Nothing is right without him here. He should be here. It is so wrong that he is gone. I hate this life without him. All my children should be here alive, happy, together. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Fall decorations are up. Band pictures were added because fall was always so much fun with Friday night home football games, halftime shows and weekend band competitions. Miss you Zan 💔😢 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
The first pic is 6 years ago, and the last 2 are 5 years ago. This is what we were doing 5 years ago today, watching Zander and his brother Aidan's marching band competition. Miss those days. Zander played the clarinet. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #clarinet #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Celebrating @roirbo birthday a little early because Colin has to head back to school. #dadsbirthday #papa #family #missingzander
2007, Zander was 4 years old. I just found these and a whole bunch of other pictures on old CDs and many I've never seen before! Such a gift to see his beautiful smiling face! . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #misshim #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander and Sebastian, Aidan and Zander, and all 3 of them together. Christmas 2007. Just found these pictures, I had never seen them before. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander 4 years old in the car on the way to a hike and on the hike with his brothers. May 28, 2007 So glad I have these pictures, I hadn't seen these since they were taken! Such a gift! . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
The 1st photo is from when we moved Tristan into his dorm at Virginia Tech, August of 2015, 8 years ago, all the boys came. The 2nd picture is the night before we moved him in, they were having brother time playing poker. The 3rd picture is August of 2020, when we were moving Aidan into his dorm at The University of Virginia. Today we are moving in the youngest, Sebastian, to his dorm at Virginia Tech for his first year. Only Aidan is coming this time. I really miss Zander being here for this milestone. Even though Tristan and Sky can't come today because they're all grown up and working now, we did get together for a "seeing off" dinner for Sebastian the other night, and Zander would've been there for sure. I always notice his absence, but he's supposed to be here 😔💔 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Did I ever mention how much Zander loved cats? 😉🐈🐈⬛️😻😸 . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #catlover #aboyandhiscat #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
My heart is so heavy today. I miss this kid so much.😭 I'm so very sad right now. 💔 Oh how I wish he were still here. Oh my Zan, why'd you have to leave? I want you back so badly. I cannot believe how long it has been...1 year, 9 months and 9 days without you here. I just want to talk to you again. To hear your voice and give you a hug, and put my fingers through your hair. Your Mommy misses you so much. I can't wait until I get to see you again. Every day feels so long. I hope you're doing good, I hope you remember me. . . . (This picture was December 30, 2017) Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Virginia Beach Trip. July 2013 Zander was 10 years old. Those were the days when everything was simple, an adventure....we all had lots and lots of fun, making up games and competitions, building sand castles and watching the Ocean wash them away, just being all together in a hotel room, or going out to eat at restaurants was great, it was like a sleepover all the time with the youngest 3 being so close in age. All the boys always had fun together, doing anything. (Sky, the oldest didn't go with us on this trip, he was already 21 years old) Why do things have to change? Why can't everyone stay happy like they were when they were little kids? Why can't we still be a super close family even when they're all grown up? Why did Zander have to leave when everyone loved him so very much? No one needs to answer these questions....I'm just throwing them out there to the wind. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #happymemories #familymemories #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #beachfun
6 years ago at the fireman's parade in Front Royal. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward April 18, 2003-October 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Family Beach Trip to Ocean City, MD July 2015 It was a great trip. All my boys together, playing in the sand (Zander loved digging holes and the lifeguards always had to tell him to stop and fill it back in) games on the pier, the boardwalk arcade and the amusement rides. This was a really fun, memorable trip. Those were the best days. . . . #memories #beachmemories #oceancity #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
5 years ago today, July 11, 2018. Seriously doesn't feel like that long ago. Feels so familiar. Zander loved the beach. He and his brothers always had so much fun at the beach together. We usually went to the beach during this week every summer. I will cherish those memories forever. . . . #Beachmemories #outerbanks #theouterbanks #kittyhawk #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
The kitten in this picture is Bibi, she is now 16 years old. Zander was always a cat lover ❤️ . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Brothers ❤️ This is one of my favorite pictures of my 2 youngest boys. Sebastian and Zander. (Sebastian has the lollipop) . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #brothers #siblings #brothersforever
July 4th, 2016 Great memories 🥹❤️💔 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
July 4th, 2019🎇🇺🇸🎆 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
6 years ago today. It was a fun day together. 🇺🇸🎆🎇 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
June 29, 2018 Only 5 years ago...but so much has changed. Zander was 15, Sebastian 13 and Aidan 16. I wish they could've stayed that age forever. Things were a lot simpler and we were all together. Now Aidan is in his 4th year at the University of Virginia and isn't spending summer at home 😔 Sebastian is about to start his freshman year at Virginia Tech, and Zander isn't here anymore and hasn't been for 19 months!💔😪 I always dreaded the day when all my kids would be out of the house, but it's so much worse with one of them gone completely. . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
June 23, 2017, 6 years ago today. Zander went to the beach with his Aunt Cathy, (my sister) and his cousin, Scott. That was the longest time he had ever been away from me. 2017 was a good year 💛💙💜 Miss you Zan 💔 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander, Aidan and Sebastian hiking on the Dickey Ridge Trail, Shenandoah National Park, Front Royal, Virginia. 12 years ago, June 21, 2011. We used to have lots of fun on summer break. . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #iwanttogobackintime
9 years ago, June 11, 2014 Field Day and Dare Day. The last 2 days of elementary school, Zander had just graduated from 5th grade. I love seeing his smile. ❤️🙏🏻✝️🥹 Miss you so much Zan. . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
6 years ago today, June 17, 2017 Copake, NY We had a good time. Our last time we camped together. 🏕 I wish I could go back to that day and live it again, knowing what I know now. . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #memories
13 years ago today, it was awards day, one of the last days of the school year. 1st grade Ms Poe's (Helmick) class at LFK. He loved that Redskins jersey. . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #missinghim #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #memories #memoriesofmyson
I think the Top 10 things paper is from 5th grade. It is a gift when I unexpectedly come across something like this. . . . . #ZanderIsAwesome #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #childhoodmemories #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
I posted this on FB exactly 2 years ago today. We had just had a bad couple of months with Zander, and we were hoping things would be looking up. Little did I know that in 5 months, he would be gone 💔💔💔 . . . #seniorprom2021 #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
I wish you didn't go. I miss you. I want you back here with us, with your family who loves you and misses you so much. Where are you? I want to know you're OK, that you're still out there somewhere, that I will see you again. That what you told me the Wednesday before you left is true. That you remember me. That you are still you. I want to know that your spirit is having so much fun right now, and that you will meet me when it's my time. Everyday brings me one day closer to finding out. To finding you, to knowing what happened and why. I'm praying your good, you're happy, and that you'll be there when I get there. I'm praying. I'm trusting in the promises of Jesus Christ. I'm trusting in love and Divine Mercy. I ask Our Blessed Mother to take care of you and give you Eskimo kisses for me until I get to you. I ask St Thérèse to give you messages for me. I think of you every moment of every single day. I told you I'd die if you died.... I didn't die physically, but the me that I was before did die, she's gone. Life is so different now. It will never, ever be the same, this world isn't right, I hate that you're not here. I wish you could come visit me in my dreams, and we could talk, I would ask you what you've been doing and what it's like there. Oh Lord Jesus, forgive us our sins and bring us to eternal life with you in heaven where there is so sorrow, no sadness or pain, only the joy, love, light and peace of You with The Father and The Holy Spirit, forever and ever. Amen . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #soverysad #suicideloss #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
He would have been 20 years old yesterday. 🎂 Instead he will be 18 forever. 💔 Happy Birthday my precious Zander, I wish you were here and everything was good and you were happy. I wish you were taking classes at LFCC and working and hanging out with your friends, lifting weights, skateboarding, and had an amazingly wonderful girlfriend. I miss him so much, there is no way to explain how much. I hate that he isn't here. Why did this have to happen? I know I shouldn't ask that because there isn't any answer I can accept. I know I'm not the only mother to have lost a child this way, I'm not the first and not the last, it is an incredibly horrible nightmare. I want to go back in time. I want him back. I don't want this to be my reality. I want him to be here and to be happy and to be blowing out his candles. . . . #HappyBirthdayInHeaven #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #birthdaymemories #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #bereavedmother
It was Easter, April 16, 2017. My side of the family were celebrating Easter together, it was Zander's cousins, Connor's birthday, and Zander's 14th birthday was in 2 days. So we celebrated them both that day. 6 years ago today. 🎂 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #misshim #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #griefheartbreak #memories
4 years ago today. Seriously doesn't feel like it was that long ago. . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #brothers #brothersforever
3 years ago today, April 12, 2020 Easter baskets and our family Easter Egg hunt for golden eggs with money inside. 🐇🐰🥚✝️🙏🏻 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother #Brothers #familytraditions #Easter2020
Easter 2012 . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
His last Easter here with us, 2021. Our last Easter egg hunt. We had 44 golden eggs with $100 total hidden in them. Zander always found the most eggs. I miss him so much. I still cannot believe he is gone. 💔😪 . . . #easter #egghunt #eastermemories #eastertraditions #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Happy Easter in Heaven Zan my man! This was his favorite holiday and he always found the most eggs. These pictures are from Easter morning 2009. . . . #Easter #Eastermemories #waybackwhen #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Aidan and Zander, 1st grade and kindergarten. Brothers forever. ❤️ . . . #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander's First Grade School Picture. One if my favorites. ❤️ Miss him so much . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Missing my Zan. He used to rub my cheek and look at me so sweetly when he was little like this. My sweet little boy. How is it that you are gone? I want you back! . . . #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #suicideloss #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Come in and peeps this AjaxCustoms HPA build #airsoft #wargames #utahairsoft #airsoftutah #801airsoft #ajaxcustoms #TacticalAirsoftsupply #missingZander #growthesport #EagleIndustries
Zan and his good buddy Thomas at their senior prom. May 2021 . . . @thms_slvs_ . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #Brothers #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #highschoolmarchingband #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Selfies Miss him 😢 . . . #myhandsomeson #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
Zander with his cat, Woody (who died last February 😢) Zander loved cats, and when he was younger, he loved pirates. Woody was such a good, patient cat. . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #forever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #catlover #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother
He loved his little cars and trucks. He was so proud of making this "parking lot" on the end table. I love this picture so much.❤️ . . . Zander Benjamin Ward Apr 18, 2003-Oct 25, 2021 #forever18 #Brothers #brothersforever #Zander #ripzander #RIPZanderWard #missingzander #iloveyouzander #ZanderForever18 #teensuicideawareness #childloss #grievingmom #amothersnightmare #amothersnightmaretoloseachild💔 #whenhewaslittle #mylottleboy #missinghim #imissmyson #suicidelosssurvivor #takemebackintime #iwanttogoback #thegoodoledays #grief #grievingZander #grievingmother