Do you know what the leading cause of dry skin is?
What gets wetter and wetter as it dries?
Boobytrap … … spelled backwards is … Partyboob
Really hoping the warmer weather is here to stay this time around but who the f knows? 🤔🤔
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce milk? A milk dud … or maybe an udder failure?
#throwbackthursday to the #pricelesswedding Take me back to better days and beachy waves
#liftingweights #lifestyle #fitdaddies #iron
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead. I’ll give these two a lift.
I really love grape jokes. I tell them in bunches.
Did you know that more people eat bananas than monkeys? It’s true! How many people do you know eat monkeys?
I googled my symptoms, turns out I just need a vacation.
Somebody is out there holding their breath waiting for you to fail; let’s make em suffocate.
It’s been a minute since I’ve smiled like this, but i gotta remember to keep my head up and chest out. Even the broken crayons still color.
📍 Workout of the day📍 Crossfit Open 24.2 Amrap 20min 300m row 10 Deadlift 185/125lb 50 Double Unders - 10min rest - Tabata Double Unders (Score = schlechteste Runde) #Ropejumps #justdoit #fit #fitdaddies #doubleunders #crossfitopen #kugym #ku4u #Sixpack #germany @speed_rope_shop
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk It’s pasteurized before you even see it.
People who take naps are the real heroes. It takes courage to wake up twice in one day. Are you a nap person or no?
By all that is holy, if my car needs gas one more time I’m going to lose my shit!
My wife can have half the conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. That or I just don’t pay attention. I wasn’t really listening when we talked about it.
Are you a towel? Because I’d like to wrap you around me after I shower. 😉
Come on in … the water’s fine.
Fitness tip: A lot of people at the gym like to lift the big weights. I personally prefer the small weights because they’re lighter and much easier to lift.
We come together in the beginning, Keeping together in the process, Motivating together till success. Wishing all healthier and stronger each day And to more pull ups 🧨✨️🎉🧧 Huat ah !!!! @project_c_studio #Gym26 #projectC #cnydinner #reuniondinner #teammuscleup #projectcalisthenicbarbrothers #barbrothers #barsisters #calisthenics #calisthenicslife #streetworkout #bodyweightworkout #fitnesslifestyle #homeworkout #rippeddaddy #fitdaddies #aesthetic #frontlever #pullup #dips #muscleup #nohealthnowealth #lifestyle #goallorgoback
There’s always money in the banana stand.
My wife has forbidden me from making any more breakfast puns. She says if I do, I’m toast; she just pancake anymore. How waffle, right? I guess I’m in a jam, unless I can learn to be syrup-titious. It doesn’t help that my kids keep egging me on. They’re such hams. Whoever sausage a thing?
Red-y or not here comes the weekend and with that, “quality” time with your children.
Relationship advice … The next time you and your partner are having a disagreement, just respond with the following … I’m not arguing. I’m explaining why I’m right. You’re welcome!
Me: Hey girl, did you get those pants on sale? You: No, why? Me: Shame. They’d be 100% off at my place.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
My wife just gave me a ‘get better soon’ card. And I’m not sick. Ouch!
Just when l’ve finally gotten all of the laundry done, my kids come marching in with what seems like a week’s worth of cold weather clothing from an expedition to the arctic circle.
I haven’t been able to find these ever since I took them off. I just can’t see where I put them.
Some helpful tips before starting your day: •Drink your coffee •Stay focused and positive •Don’t freak out •Remember, stabbing people is wrong! •Are you wearing pants? You’re welcome!
Do I love being a stay-at-home dad? No. But am I lucky enough to have great kids who make it all worth while? Also, no.
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and a*holes. Change my mind.
The other day my wife asked me what I would do if she was choking. I told her I’d pull back about 2” and reevaluate. Apparently that was not the answer she was looking for.
Sir Isaac Newton or his brother Fig? More people eat cookies than use calculus … so there’s a clear winner here.
Well, I’m as cool as a cucumber in a bowl of hot sauce.
Three mistakes to avoid as a parent: Don’t have a first child. Don’t double down and have a second. Don’t fail to use protection and have a third. Disclaimer: I love my children the legally required amount.
Clever girl
I suddenly have the urge to chase after you and st(a)b you repeatedly.
A couple of inches of snow on the ground and the schools are closed. Just to make sure my kids understand what it was like back in olden days, I still made them walk to school … up hill … both ways. That’ll teach them. Oh … and get off my lawn!
I never finish anyth
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I like this joke because it never grows old.
It’s black and white, so you know it’s classy.
Some people these days are just too judgmental... I can tell by just looking at them.
What gets wetter and wetter as it dries? A towel
It’s cold out there. Do you wanna borrow my hoodie?
My kids all talk like someone pressed their caps lock key.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one’s around to hear it … why do I have to yell for my kids to understand what I’m saying? 🤔🤔
Patient: How often do patients die from anesthesia? Doctor: Just once. 🩺 ☠️ 😂
You know, if you take everything I’ve accomplished in my entire life and condense it down into one day … it looks decent.
Yoga practice @gaysutrart selfie 🤳 #yoga #orange #selfie #fitdaddies #beardedgay #daddy #armsworkout #goodvibes
As a dad I’m constantly worried about the safety of my children. Especially my oldest who keeps rolling her eyes and talking back. Thoughts and prayers for that one.
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark... So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist. 🦈 🚲 🏃🏻 🏊
I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I want to know what you think. Rhinos are out of shape unicorns. Thoughts? 🦏🦄
Knock knock Who’s there? Where when Where when who? My place, tomorrow, me and you
When you’ve had to remind your kids for the 1,489th time about something they’ve already done 1,000 times. You parents know exactly what I’m talking about.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today but it’s not your fault. You’re a good dad. Stop blaming yourself. Those kids are just bad. They probably get it from their mom anyway.
I found a clean pair of pants to put on. Just an added bonus that they’re a pair of grey sweatpants. 😈😈
My wife is mad at me because I keep telling everyone she messed up my breakfast. I may have overreacted just because she forgot my toast but she knows I’m lack-toast intolerant.
Just sitting here wondering what to do with myself now that the kids are back at school. Any ideas on how to pass the time?
I have three bosses and they’re all assholes so I’ve decided to request a job transfer. They keep asking for mac and cheese for dinner, and when I put it down in front of them they say they wanted nuggets.
When you’re into her daddy kink but you’re also a dad … Her: Don’t stop … I’m close. Me: Hi, Close. I’m dad.
I don’t mean to brag. I don’t mean to boast. But I’m intercontinental when I eat French toast.
Dogs love me ‘cause I’m crazy sniffable.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Daddy
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops? Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s 📱or 📵 for me.
No, I’m not wearing any pants but then again what did you expect? You’re either here for my lack of pants or for my witty captions. And we both know, I’m not that witty.