This is 37. And I’ll tell you… I don’t at all care for it. #mortalityweek #junglebum #theauthorincambodia #movember #photographiesoftheauthor #thestonesofangkor
Why it’s OK (& very appropriate) to be nostalgic in Bangkok: I’ve spent a full tenth of my last 10 years in this city, and returning after so long has got me breathing, eating, & sweating nostalgia. But in Bangkok, like almost no other place on earth, nostalgia is one of the seemliest emotions. This might to you sound odd. MOST of Bangkok is concrete and filthy dripwater and traffic jams. Ahhh, but the Old Town. The Old Town was, and is, one giant exercise in nostalgia. For you see, the capital of Thailand was destroyed UTTERLY by the Burmese in 1767—I’m talking Berlin 1945 destroyed—and with it the royal family, the aristocracy, the elephants, the palace, the 1000 temples. Kaput. When 15 years later the Thais got their shit together again, they rebuilt their capital in Bangkok. But they did so using what little was left of the old capital—boats literally floated charred bricks from the old temples downriver to build the new ones. They collected testimonies from anyone who could remember the old palace in order to have the new one resemble it as closely as possible. And the new king put off his coronation until its ceremonies could be pieced together by refugee monks and scattered court officials. (They even lost their legal code, and had to find a retired judge to act as a consultant in rewriting it.) So the Old Town, and especially the Grand Palace, is one of the world’s centres of nostalgia. From it radiates a glittering energy that can only be described as past-loving. Which is why it’s very OK to be, almost rude if you’re not, nostalgic in Bangkok… #theauthorinthailand #thestonesofbangkok #nostasialgia #nostalgia #ayutthaya #thaihistory #bangkok
I finally found something in Istanbul that’s worth visiting… The Imperial Harem. Guarded by African eunuch-slaves and run by the sultan’s mummy. Home to some pretty nice tiles, and dotted everywhere with niches for people’s silly hats. I even found #thehat in one. The Sultan’s Harem. Now being toured in tilesome detail over at the account through which I share my travels, my researches, my creative processes: @JoshWriteBook. (Reserved exclusively for my patrons—they who are making possible the writing of the next comedy novel and the building of The Stones of Bangkok Tour—hit the link in my bio to become a patron now! And follow @joshwritebook to see much more historical, writerly & cultural tomfoolery…) #theauthorinistanbul #patronofthearts #thestonesofbangkok #harem #islamicart #YouWriteBook #joshwritebook #photographiesoftheauthor #constantinople
Just a couple of old Scots. Standing in a pool that the older of the two built, discussing craftsmanship and contentment in between bartering over a rose (and emphasising the importance of prenuptial agreements). And with that it’s just about farewell Greece. At least for a little while… #theauthoringreece #instagreece #photographiesoftheauthor #contentment
When @unrealrico surreptitiously took this picture I thought, it’s too anachronistic—a man reading Sophocles on a beach. A Caribbean beach! But then I had a longer think. And apart from flip-flops being the modern incarnation of Ancient Greek sandals, and Greece being a big-much-beachéd land, there are a few other parallels that render it—for me at least—more poignant than at first dismissive thought. The chief lesson of Tragedy is that we should count no-one happy until they be dead. ‘Fortune never stands still forever,’ as the S-man said: ‘Of all human ills greatest is fortune’s wayward tyranny.’ And as old as I now am I’m always half-expecting a blood-filled cough one morning or an inordinate growth to come out of the side of my head, or a dreadful text message from my family. And I’m constantly and acutely aware that among the interludes of sand and sea I shall always have to return to London, to winter, to Melbourne, perhaps even to India—and more of the earth’s disabodes of happiness. In fact I have less than 100 hours left in Mexico, and have done little in 6 months here besides toil, another of the lessons of the Ancients. ‘You are a captive in the toils of destiny,’ said the S-man’s mentor. So here I am with the life that’s been allotted to me. Fate, you say? The Tragedies rarely mentioned fate. But of course you didn’t say that if you know anything about them—it’s pretty much all they ever said. ‘You tribes of short-lived men, full of tears, much-suffering, see how fate runs counter to your hopes! All receive in turn their different troubles in length of time; and the whole of mortal life is uncertain.’ Euripides too!? Yep. And so that’s all 3 of them. So remember your Gilbert Murray: ‘It is a bad look-out for any one in Greek poetry when he is called happy.’ I always remind people: there is as much, if not more, sorrow in leaving the beach, as in arriving. #theauthorinmexico #sophocles #tragedy #ancientgreece #fortune #fate #youmoodybastard #joshreadbook #photographiesoftheauthor
“I have nothing to offer you but coffee, ink, beards, and sweat.” And, occasionally, those additions to my Commonplace Book that every day return me to my desk as I resume my old pace of writing a novel a year... “Work and work & make a lovely world and ask for no wages.” “The hardest thing, because time is so short, is for a writer to survive and get his work done.” “What is essential seems to be, that there should be obedience over a long period of time and in a single direction. … A long unfreedom of the spirit.” “Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.” Also, can we normalise not telling people what they need to normalise? The lazy and ambitionless really shouldn’t take up, of all things, preaching. Now back to work, as the 3rd draft passes the half-way done mark! #joshwritebook #writingadvice #theauthorinmexico #thepeterfile #photographiesoftheauthor
So as the prosthetic arm salesman—whom Yuri and Mel have been pursuing because they think he’s an arms dealer—is extraordinarily rendered… As Mel finally gets to go on the adventure he’s been looking for, but is crying out for his inhaler after being doused with pepper spray… And as Yuri—immune to the fumes because his father used to use pepper spray discipline his Ukrainian children—stands serene and sees that it was ***** **** ******* who killed Peter, his brother… The Peter File’s first draft approaches its final day of writing, its final 3000 words, its final 0.277% of work. The end of a 1st draft is by far the toughest—the last scenes that must be woven out of all those preceded it—the thousand strands to be brought together into a hundred lines of dialogue—the climax whose intensity must pay homage to all that’s come before. But we are almost there. After 7 weeks of work, 3 in Greece and 4 in Mexico, the 1st draft of The Peter File is a single morning from done. I now just dread all the lying-in-bed stare-thought that tonight will bring, and then tomorrow what Osbert Sitwell refers to as “the racked and sleepless hours before the dawn”. But! In 24 hours… A first draft completed. #joshwritebook #thepeterfile #comedynovel #theauthoringreece #writingadvice #theauthorinmexico #thepeacockmug
The Summer of Greece… — 4 months, from Athens to Delphi to Thermopylae to Olympia to Homeric Kardamyli and Spartan Sparta—from Aegina and Salamis to the tombs of the Macedonian Kings to Mount Friggen Olympus—and so very much tzatziki in between. — Kardamyli got half the 1st draft of the next comedy novel written; A New Cavalier Introduction to Ancient Greece has been taught for the first time and shall become a yearly semester; Endless driving & a great deal of walking filmed an entire virtual history of Ancient Greece—now ready to be edited & narrated before being sent out into the world later in the year. — THAT is what I call a Greek mother-effing summer. — Now to hunker down on a beach very far from here, there to devote the rest of 2021 to the second half of that first draft—to writing, finishing, rewriting, rewriting, & rewriting The Peter File. The novel I was born to write. — Farewell Greece. Till springtime next year. — #theauthoringreece #joshwritebook #comedynovel #thenewcavalierreadingsociety #thestonesofathenstour #thepeterfile — And hello…
And just like that, my time in Greek paradise come to an end… — 6 weeks spent strolling in the shade of Taygetus and snorkelling in the Maniot sea and reading in the sand—shooing away wild boars and wishing the sea turtles would come just a little bit closer. — Just over half a novel written, soon to be 4/6ths; 8 weeks of a New Cavalier Introduction to Ancient Greece taught. — And life’s a little bit all right sometimes. Now, just 2 weeks left in Greece… — #theauthoringreece #thenewcavalierreadingsociety #joshwritebook #thepeterfile #photographiesoftheauthor
Regardless of what I may ever be able to say about my travels, when one day I have several genius-warrior grandchildren I shall be able to say to them, “Genius-Warrior grandchildren, when grandpa was 35 years old he wrenched his back at the birthplace of the Olympic Games, while making a video for Instagram.” — But, surrounded by East Germans with VR headsets on—walking around like blind fluorescent Nazi-chickens—I felt that someone needed to engage properly with the setting. — So I ran the traditional stade, 178 metres, the Ancient Greek equivalent of the 100-metre sprint. — And I’m pretty sure I set some kind of a record. Pretty, pretty.... pretty sure. — Right before wrenching my back. So I’ll probably add a disclaimer to those genius-warrior grandchildren: “Don’t randomly sprint, genius-warriors. Don’t randomly sprint.” — #theauthoringreece #thestonesofathenstour @newbalancerunning #olympicgames #hebrewcheetah #usainbolt #curbyourenthusiasm #forrestgump #photographiesoftheauthor
Swapping Soviet anecdotes with my Chornobyl-master-general, Yuri... — After 8 hours of exploring the horrors of science mixed with communism mixed with mankind—and the same hours collecting material for The Peter File—I’ve just posted & storied a full day inside the 30km exclusion zone around reactor #4 at Chornobyl, Ukraine—over @joshwritebook! — If you—like me—have actual skin in the game and are making possible the writing of the next comedy novel (and thereby the radioactive research necessary for it) check out my new live feeds from Chornobyl—and from the abandoned city, now overgrown with forest, of Pripyat—at @joshwritebook! — 🦚joshvahvmphreys.com/youwritebook — #theauthorinukraine #joshwritebook #ThePeterFile #pripyat #chernobyl #photographiesoftheauthor #comedynovel
In my casual Waugh-Wodehouse meanderings I yesterday came across an article by @alexlarman exploring why there are no funny novels on bookstore shelves. — Paraphrasing slightly, that author says there’s an unwritten rule in the literary establishment that any funny books should be left-leaning and that any sort of ‘difficult’ material be omitted entirely. — There, if ever you’ve wondered why you’ve never laughed out loud while reading a novel, is your answer. — Literature is now well and truly politicised and so therefore are your bookstores. Something I’ve experienced first-hand, no matter how funny a novel might be, it will not be published if it does not flatter the political opinions of the fart-sniffing literary bureaucracy. — So was born the Comedy Novel; so was born Exquisite Hours; so was born Josh Write Book. For this young upstart of a novelist, in his quest to take nothing seriously, writes books riddled with “difficult” material—from psychopathic wellness gurus to women who travel the world lying to men to gun-toting soldiers-of-fortune dealing with self-serve checkouts. — And so it is that as I continue through 2021 to write comedy novels—as I start work on my next, The Peter File—I’ve launched You Write Book, a patreon program run through my website that enables me to go on writing non-politicised books—to make fun of everything & everyone—and to ensure that funny continues to have a place in literature. — By becoming a patron of #YouWriteBook you support a devoutly recusant writer, you ensure that comedy never dies, and you guarantee that it is not political gatekeepers who alone determine what you read. You also get to own the very book whose writing you make possible! — You Write Book: the next comedy novel, written. Hit the link in my bio or head to 👉🏻joshvahvmphreys.com/youwritebook to become a patron of the arts, to become a patron of the comedy novel—and a supporter of free-minded, anti-political, & hilarious literature. — 🦚 joshvahvmphreys.com — #joshwritebook #comedynovel #thepeterfile #GRIEVEnovel #exquisitehours #photographiesoftheauthor #theauthorinukraine
Twenty Goddam Twenty. — It was supposed to be, for me, a year that would break a tired 5-year Josh Write Book mould. Instead it became an eerie shitshow in which I lost what was left of my meagre faith in my own country and in humanity on the whole. — After starting the year in Bali to touch up The Creative Art of Wishfulness I flew to New York for 2 of the most enjoyable weeks imaginable while in the background there lurked some Chinese virus that made people buy toilet paper. — With the aim of spending half the year in Mexico I travelled to Tulum where in the space of 10 days I lost my wallet, discovered I had a stalker, and found out the world was choosing to close down. So it was back to New York to be trapped inside a Manhattan apartment for 5 weeks before finally escaping to London, where, after 3 cancelled flights to Greece I had the idea to turn The Stones of Venice Tour into a virtual experience. — After 2 months of filming & editing in the world’s most beautiful city I at last made it to Athens where so much goddam lockdown spurred me to walk to Sparta, sleeping in olive groves under the stars. Then came another month of walking the hills of the Peloponnese before returning to London to be greeted with my year’s 4th lockdown and my first winter since 2013. — It was the first year since 2014 in which I wrote no book. It was a year where, as it so quickly disappeared, I became more & more obsessed with freedom. It was a year made inestimably richer by The New Cavalier Reading Society. It was the year I decided at last to say goodbye to a worry-filled cycle of bubble & burst that has plagued my writing career. — And so begins 2021. When all my (considerable) travels shall be on display at @JoshWriteBook for everyone who’s making possible my writing and my work. — Twenty Goddam Twenty. Now bring on Twenty Twenty Fun. — #joshwritebook #theauthorinamerica #theauthorinlondon #theauthorinmexico #theauthorinvenezia #theauthoringreece #thestonesofvenicetour #twentytwentyfun #thenewcavalierreadingsociety #photographiesoftheauthor
Born to hoodlum. — Stuck in London for the foreseeable future, I have of late been preoccupied by 3 ideas, and how they’re currently interacting with one another. The 1st is from Karl Kraus. “How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.” The 2nd is from George Canning. “I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.” The 3rd is a slight paraphrasing of Dostoevsky’s Grand Inquisitor. “There is no more ceaseless or tormenting care for man than to find something to bow down to as soon as possible—but his care is not just to find something before which I or some other man can bow down, but to find something that everyone else will also believe in and bow down to. This need for communality of worship is the chief torment of each man individually, and of mankind as a whole.” — Discuss... — #theauthorinlondon #photographiesoftheauthor #ihatewinter #joshwritebook #dostoevsky #londonlife #philosophygram #quarantineandchill #endlockdown
There once was a youngish man who thought it might be a good idea to walk, while researching & writing a philosophical-historical tour of Ancient Greece, from Athens to Sparta. — He didn’t think about the climate or the terrain or the logistics—just packed his laptop and 4 pairs of swimming shorts and off he set. — That youngish man is in fact me, and there I am, pictured 👆🏻, 4 hours into my third day of 9-hour walks across Greece. — Point being: if you resolve that something should and might be done, just do it. Regardless of the height of the mountains or how impractically long the distances—and regardless of the constant temptation to laziness presented by ouzo. — ‘The sage has his wanderings,’ said the Taoist philosopher Zhuangzi; ‘and for him, knowledge is an offshoot.’ — #theauthoringreece #stonesofathenstour #photographiesoftheauthor #lockdownlife #ancientgreece #corinth #mycenae #slowtravel #travelgram
It wouldn’t be a trip to Venice without a new bricola climb. Now why entrust this boat-shoed ape to be your Venetian Tour Guide? — Well, I have a history degree—and for 8 years now I’ve been studying like a madman Venetian art, architecture, & history. I’ve spent at least a month here every year since 2012 and have worked 4 seasons as a private Venetian tour guide. — Most tour guides here (& elsewhere) just point stuff out and repeat what the guidebooks tell you. But there’s something else to MY Venice, something different—something greater. — Unlike any other city, Venice’s art & history MEANS something. Her 1000 years of struggle, peak, painting, and decline–when arranged & looked at properly—teach lessons that give you a lifetime of spiritual and intellectual nourishment. — Venice KNOWS things. But she can only show them to you if you know HOW to look for them. I, through The Stones of Venice Tour, aim to teach you how to see. — The idea that all outward works are manifestations of an inner state—that even the visible history of a city is an expression of that city’s spirituality, morality, & intellect—is the central theme of what I hope to share with you through Venice. — Looking for—and seeing—the rise, height, & decline of that spirituality, that morality, that intellect… THAT is my Venice. And that is The Stones of Venice Tour. — joshvahvmphreys.com/venice — #theauthorinvenezia #stonesofvenicetour #virtualtravel #alwayslearning #photographiesoftheauthor #historynerd #historygram #johnruskin
What are your Venices? — The years of research, work, and experience that have gone into The Stones of Venice Tour mean that I could talk about Venetian history & art, not endlessly, but for AT LEAST 12 hours straight. From memory. With accuracy, coherence, enjoyability, originality. — But I’ve been reading Žižek lately and am struck by how keen and varied are his insights into seemingly disparate things, and how relatable his conclusions are to everyday thought, life, and the present. — So I’ve now been *very* struck with a desire to speak in greater detail on a greater number of topics—to have, if you like, several Venices. — As the outside world shrinks & the mind is given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to expand, I should like, on the other side of this pandemic, to be able to quote accurately, construct narratives—from which might be drawn original insight & conclusions, connections made & explored which bring sweetness & light to the human condition. — A quarantine researching 5 such subjects, then! One of which—of course—would be the Ancient Greeks, in time for October’s Stones of Athens Tour. — A lockdown, used to gain original insight into 5 subjects—the elucidation, explanation, and contextualisation of whose histories, lives, & themes might lead to a more enjoyable & fulfilling existence for all who read the resultant essays! — But what I’m just as interested in… Is you. What are your Venices? 5 subjects / eras / places / people / topics — about which you would like to be able to talk or write about with accuracy, coherence, enjoyability, & originality? — And might you think about using your quarantine to construct such Venices?? — #stonesofvenicetour #alwayslearning #newcavalierreadingsociety #slavojzizek #philosophy #historynerd #theauthorinvenezia #venezia #photographiesoftheauthor
Since so many people have taken to telling everyone else, including me, how to live their lives during this pandemic, I’m putting this and last week’s posts into my blog instead of here on my feed! — My ‘Book of Logs’ is a relatively new thing—and tomorrow I shall have 5 new entries, 5 new mini-essays, 5 new posts, on my Book of Logs—including an entry about my brand new, and rather malicious, STALKER. 🎉 — A hoard of magnificence; an only slightly exaggerated chronicle; a forest rebel’s logbook—a writer’s book of logs—Josh Write Blog is an archive of the gallivanting, the devotion, the sometime foolishness that make for the life of a comedy novelist. — What’s New York like with completely empty streets? How little has my life changed during quarantine? What about the 2020 Stones of Athens Tour? And what IS IT like to have a stalker, Josh, who has decided to anonymously DM my friends & family with tall tales of my unlimited evil??? — All of these questions, and more, are to be answered and explored this week in my Book of Logs! — Hit the link in my bio to sign up to read it once it’s updated, or head to 👉🏻joshvahvmphreys.com to bring yourself up to speed on my last set of entries! — Quarantine life, with a motherless troll in the background, while researching Ancient Greek history and hiding as a refugee in Manhattan. — Such is presently my life. Given in much greater detail in my blog! — Hit the link in my bio now to sign up to read it tomorrow! — #joshwriteblog #theauthorinamerica #gotmyselfastalker #westvillage #quarantineandchill #briseis #suzukign125
Not “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” but another, much greater, question—more positive, more wide-ranging, and with the potential to be WAY more audacious… — What is the ONE WORD that you plan on living by in 2020? — It was asked of me yesterday by a member of The New Cavalier Reading Society, and luckily I tend to be thinking about things like this pretty much all the time, so I had a ready answer. — For me the word is to be “ἀριστεία”. Aristeia. Which in the Hellenic era came to signify the single-handed adventures of an epic character. — Travelling the world, writing comedy novels. — And in line with the Eastwood & Nietzsche that I posted yesterday—“Become who you are”, and “Love your fate.” THIS, in the end, is what I do. — And to pretend that I might be happy chasing corporate promotions or picking out bathroom tiles or sitting in car traffic—is to sadly lie to myself and to the sarcastic-hearted God who put me here. — The single-handed adventures of an epic character. An ideal to live by, to love, to become—in 2020. — How about you? What is the ONE WORD that you plan on living by in 2020? — #briseis #joshwritebook #comedynovel #nietzsche #aristeia #audacity #2020 #newcavalierreadingsociety
The writing of a comedy novel 3 years in the making; a very reluctant return to India; the most beautiful motorbike in all the lands; a move to London ga-ding ga-ding; a podcast; IG becoming a total douche; reinvigoration in Greece; the disintegration of one’s personal life—and at last, renewed exile. — But at the close of an omnishambolic year I HAVE finally come to realise what Nietzsche was on about with his “amor fati” and his “werden wer du bist” obsessions. — 2019 was the end of much. 2020 shall be the beginning of more… — The release of that comedy novel 3 years in the making; full time cultural tutoring in The New Cavalier Reading Society; the planning & writing of THE ultimate comedy novel (a project I’ve kept under wraps for 2 years); a new Stones tour, either of Athens or Bangkok; a sojourn in America. — Becoming what one is; loving one’s fate. — And to end the year, a quotation given in one of the (7) books with which I’m seeing out the year—a quotation already imprinted in the time-distant pages of Volume 1 of my Commonplace Book: — “He who accepts that to live is to feel lost has already begun to find himself, to be on firm ground. Instinctively, as do the shipwrecked, he will look round for something to which to cling, and that tragic, ruthless glance, absolutely sincere, because it is a question of his salvation, will cause him to bring order into the chaos of his life. These are the only genuine ideas; the ideas of the shipwrecked.” — #joshwritebook #comedynovel #photographiesoftheauthor #photographiesbytheauthor #newcavalierreadingsociety #theauthorinmelbourne #theauthorinindia #theauthorinvietnam #theauthorinlondon #theauthoringreece #theauthorincambodia #ortegaygasset #2019 #nietzsche
Being in Athens has greatly exacerbated my tendency to relate everything back to the Greeks. — Not a hill can presently be climbed without some profound quotation inaccurately announcing iself from my memory—much to Shoshana’s eye-rolling delight. — They just knew what was what! Before what was what became what IS what. Their cynicism, their superstitiousness, their humour, their bloodlust, their lightness, their depth—they somehow covered everything that has ever happened or will ever happen to human beings. — Suspicious of money, fame, power, progress, arrogance, glory, cowardice, the gods, and atheism—they were the greatest bullshit-callers the world has ever seen. — And as I look upon the ruins of Delphi—at what was for 8 centuries the navel of the universe, the first harmonisation of humility and ambition, grandiosity and austerity, religion and humanism, life and death—I can’t help but play through some of the greatest of the greatest Greek quotations. — “It is the sorest of all human sorrows to abound in knowledge and yet have no power.” “As poor as the man who has not enough is the man who cannot have enough.” “Fate guides the willing but drags the unwilling.” “The madness which is of God is nobler than the wisdom which is of men.” “Every unbridled tongue, in the end, shall find itself unfortunate.” “All fine things are difficult.” “Only the educated are free.” — I should like to collect and distribute these quotes somehow. But who would read such an ancient compendium of wisdom? We are too obsessed with what is new to listen to Heraclitus, he who knew (in 500BC) that “Nothing endures but change,” and that “Character is fate.” — #delphi #Δελφοί #theauthoringreece #photographiesoftheauthor #ancientgreece #culturegram #heraclitus #amorfati #philosophy #plato #euripides
Like Mr William Faulkner it is my ambition to be abolished and voided from history, leaving no refuse save for the very funny books that I’ve written. — Occasionally though, people mistake me for someone who’s on Instagram “selling” something. As though I were peddling protein shakes or jostling for you to take one of my joyology workshops. — No, no, no, no, NO! I am, quite humbly, a writer of very funny novels. And in 2016 I dressed up as a mermaid and released Exquisite Hours. That particular novel sold out 6 print-runs in 7 weeks and allowed me to go about gallivanting. — The ferocity of my tap-dancing is unrivalled, except in China, where my style is derided as only semi-ferocious. I introduced adult colouring books to the pencil-despising mountain people of north-eastern Albania and am the ‘other brother’ to whom Beyoncé refers in Single Ladies. — I am very happily banned from France and have not once lost at paper-scissors-rock. I’m currently writing with my uncle, Mel Gibson, an opera based on my gallivanting, and despite my own frequent assertions am neither Hugh Jackman’s son nor Mel Gibson’s nephew. — Wishing for no wealth but the freedom to entertain you, I have released a novel a year since 2016, and I offer you those books as a very much more entertaining and vastly more amusing alternative to the platitudinous feelgoodery currently boring you to death on bookstore shelves. — Such is the duty of a Comedy Novelist. — My latest book is called The Creative Art of Wishfulness. It took 3 years to build and to live and 6 months to write. Ga-ding-a ding. It takes controlled mayhem and harmonious insanity to new, India, levels. — Ga-ding. And I’m about to spend 10 days signing its limited First Edition. — #JoshWriteBook #theauthorinlondon #comedynovel #TheCreativeArtofWishfulness #ExquisiteHours #melgibsonsnephew #photographiesoftheauthor
While putting off the rewriting of my new novel, 2 concepts have lately obsessed me. — The first is “Creative Destruction.” Deriving from the Hindu god, Shiva—he who returns to the world, age after age, to destroy it when unrighteousness too abounds—I’m teetering on the edge of both retracting and destroying every word I’ve ever written, solely in order to create anew this more significant beast of a comedy novel. — Struggling to see The Creative Art of Wishfulness as merely a successor to my previous work, I rather think it shall be something greater. Funnier, more stylised, and ultimately more—as Scott Fitzgerald would term it—“serious”. — The other is The Death of Pan. — In a story told by Plutarch, Pan is the only classical god to have died. It was announced to and then pronounced by a Greek sailor in 33AD. The ancient world wept, and was figuratively consoled by the maturity embodied in the death of Mr J.C.. — Has Pan left the earth entire? Has he just died within me? Has something killed him, or does he sooner or later die in us all? — “It is good to have been young in youth,” said Stevenson. At 33 I don’t feel ever to have been young. And yet I yearn to be serious. — Not young nor serious, nonplussed and hungover between destruction and stagnation. Perhaps I am neither—can be neither—and am destined to be perpetually devoid of personality in order to each year invest a cast of characters with enough of it to carry a novel. — It’s a wonder any books get written at all, with all this melancholy musing. And yet, 5 books in 5 years shall soon by 6 in 6. — I guess I should trust the process. Embrace the doubt. Become the story. Flaunt the pen. Vivify the word. — #joshwritebook #theauthorinvietnam #creativedestruction #thegreatgodpanisdead #melancholy #photographiesoftheauthor #thecreativeartofwishfulness #briseis #suzukign125
Look who is motherf#£*!ng back. — And cruising around in the early light of the two suns of Tatooine?? — Briseis, my stripped back Suzuki GN125, has been loyally & patiently awaiting my return to Vietnam. — I can tell she’s glad to see me. For she still runs like a dream, sounds like a late Beethoven quartet, and looks like the prettiest machine under the suns. — In two days I’ll be embarking on a 1000km-round trip from Hoi An to Phong Nga, with Briseis and my Liber Audaciorum my only companions. — But first, a few mods, a few tweaks, a service. — That’s IF I can take my eyes off her for an hour to leave her in the hands of an unwashed mechanic. — Upon Briseis, the author may NOW truly be said to be in Vietnam. Soon to hit the open mountain road. — Until then, work on the moisture farm and evading Tusken Raiders. — #theauthorinvietnam #briseis #suzukign125 #photographiesoftheauthor #tatooine #liberaudaciorum
Above all the noise and the dust and the Hitler menswear stores and the intolerable music and the smell of fermented bin juice—the one thing that constantly and pleasantly surprises me in India is the people. — Generous, honest, kind, humble, patient, dignified, enthusiastic—I have never in Tamil Nadu had anything close to an unpleasant experience with another human being. — Much more than I can say for the so-called developed world and very much more than for Southeast Asia. — And although Vijay the gate guard’s hat doesn’t have a lick on my own, I would happily swap with him when I leave Madurai and he no longer has to hail tuk-tuks for me nor tolerate my inability to pronounce, or memorise, a single Tamil word—all of which seem to have a minimum of 9 syllables. — Hindu temples are guarded by statues called Dvarapala. — If a dvarapala may be measured by his moustache… Vijay clearly is the king of all gate guards. — #theauthorinindia #joshwritebook #photographiesoftheauthor #thecreativeartofwishfulness #thehat
Well, after what I can only describe as THE worst week of my entire life, I have—in no small way—taken stock of things. — I almost had, in an instant, everything taken away from me—or rather almost had myself taken away from everything. And the moment my world shrank to nothing but my solitude before eternity I realised that the only thing truly important to me is the ability to work. — To continue to write the funniest books ever written, to harmonise the literary novel with the sitcom, and to continue to attempt—despite itself—to turn the world towards an elegant intelligence; in short, to contribute a verse to this powerful yet ridiculous play. — Over the last 6 darkened days I turned not to feelgoodery, nor to fluff, and certainly not to unicorn-idiocy, but to Virgil, the Classical precursor to Christianity: — “Live happy, you whose story is accomplish’d! We commanded, move from destiny to destiny.” — And I move from destiny to destiny—the next novel to write, a new play to storify, the performing of another to organise, a Reading Society to launch, an Exquisite Hours film to make—I decided this week that it is only those who aid and guide me on my literary destinies—i.e. my readers—for whom I shall now make any time. — Because if you don’t read my books, you are just spectating, if not leeching. I lost a lot of blood this week. I can suffer no more leeches. — I am on a path that will eventually lead to a funnier, smarter, and more elegant form of literature than this stuck-up boring fart of a world has hitherto seen. I shall be more than happy to bring you along. But only if you read the books that are my destiny. Because it's only by your readership that that destiny is made possible. — And all those books are now and always available at 👉 joshvahvmphreys.com. — #joshwritebook #theauthorinvietnam #joshwriteplay #briseis #photographiesoftheauthor
The thing I love 2nd-most about the Venice tour (after seeing the emotions that the Tour elicits in its students) is the exchange of ideas and personalities that takes place over 2 mornings of imparting all that I know of the world’s most beautiful city. — Yesterday during a conversation with a very wise young American woman, I realised that I am half Japanese. — Not ethnically. And not because of my ninja pole-climbing skills. But because of the Japanese concept of ‘shokunin.’ — It is a word denoting somebody who seeks ONLY mastery of their profession. — Popularised in some sushi documentary, its readiest personification has said of the concept: ‘Once you decide on your occupation you must immerse yourself in your work. You have to fall in love with your work. You must dedicate your life to mastering your skill. That is the secret of true success.’ — And so, at the expense of a personal life, at the expense of an income, often at the expense of my sanity, I have for 4 years now been a shokunin, everyday working towards a mastery of the written word in its creative form. I have bent and subordinated my entire life to the creation of ever-better prose, ever-better poetry, an evermore pleasing form of instruction. — AND without realising it, I have through 2-and-a-half seasons of The Stones of Venice Tour been trying to bring out, to encourage, to inspire—the shokunin in all who comes to Venice. — It is Sunday; a day of reflection. So I ask you: — Are you a shokunin? What is the skill to which your life is dedicated? Of which craft shall you one day be master? — #theauthorinvenezia #photographiesoftheauthor #shokunin
Few things are as enjoyable as a walk and a pipe through and towards the sunset—in good company. — After weeks and weeks of website rebuilding it is time to focus at last on books and on Venice. — There are only 10 limited First Edition copies left of the play. If that's on your radar, hurry and grab yours before they're all gone, and forever. — And this week the Venice Tour goes on sale again. There are only 5 dates left open, and only 2 left for private tours. Stay tuned for more information on those. — I've just finished reading a biography of Byron, and it struck me how similarly he felt about Venice to how I for the last 6 years have felt about her: Above and beyond time, a refuge and solace, an enormous creative and historical inspiration. — The Stones of Venice Tour is my opportunity to make my Venice your Venice. How I relish that rare, rare, rarest of chances. — #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor #pipesmoking
The freedom to read in a pool should be a basic human right. — Question for you... The best 2 biographies you've ever read based a) on its subject and b) on its writing? — #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce to you… Briseis. — When last December I returned to Melbourne, I compiled a list of essential daily Can-Dos that would make my life bearably enjoyable while I worked there. None, I soon recalled, could be for very long afforded in Melbourne. — That list, which may betray me as a simpleton, was: · Eat at restaurants. · Drink at bars. · Wear tailored clothes. · Sauna. · Own and ride a motorbike. — So when in March I returned to Vietnam, knowing that the first 4 points were a given, I looked immediately for that motorbike. Eventually I found her. And she is beautiful. And kind. And loyal. And purrs like a kitten when I ask her to, then roars like a lioness when told. — Her name is Briseis. She is a customised Suzuki GN125. And I wish to own and ride her forever. — #theauthorinvietnam #briseis #photographiesoftheauthor
So this is what happens when your second novel is being turned into a film that is eventually going to elevate and redefine Australian comedy… You get invited to ALL the good shit. — The red-carpet premiere of @thatsnotmydogmovie, the hilarious new film from @theshanejacobson, about the dying art of joke-telling. — And didn’t someone get overdressed for it. — Above, the multi-talented @becasha, actress, joke-teller-extraordinaire and the woman entrusted with adapting Exquisite Hours into a screenplay, and @ellatraveller, producer, tap-dancer maestra and all-round roustabout, AND the woman responsible for turning the story of Anais Spencer from the funniest Australian novel ever written into the funniest Australian film ever made. — A great night, and an even better film. Hilarious, genuinely. I didn’t stop laughing the entire time. With a limited release of March 15-18 only. — And coming soon to an Instagram video near you… my favourite joke. — Until then… There’s only ONE DAY LEFT to order an inscribed copy of my second novel, written by the man in the blue jacket there — #ExquisiteHours, the story of a beautiful young woman who travels the world lying to men—currently being turned into a film! — I leave for Vietnam this weekend and so can sign no more books beyond tomorrow! THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! — Head to 👉🏻joshvahvmphreys.com/joshwritebook to order yours now, before it’s too late! — #comedynovel #australianfilms #theauthorinmelbourne #photographiesoftheauthor #redcarpetsareawkward — And photo credit goes to the talented young @murrayenders.
And he's BACK. Bangkok, Bangkok, Bangkok. My favourite of ALL the cities—after, of course, my spiritual home. — Same rooftop, same pipe. Different haircut. Now... to work, BOY! — #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor
And that's the end of Vietnam, 2017. — In 4 weeks I rewrote Exquisite Hours in preparation for that novel's adaptation into a screenplay and launched and sold out The New Cavalier Reading Society. — Not a bad month. — To celebrate the former I also had a night out where I lost my shoes and my motorbike, but woke up in possession of 1.75 miniature red chairs. It took me 5 hours to find the motorbike, during which time most of the skin on my feet evaporated over sun-hot concrete. Some old woman had repossessed it. She was most glad to have her red chairs returned. — To Bangkok for ten days, to India for five weeks, then to Melbourne for 2018 in order to work on Exquisite Hours' film project. I don't know when I'll be back here. I think perhaps that's a good thing. There are too many memories, not all of them pleasant, and it is time to make new ones. To see newer and more horrible countries. To not die of otherwise-eradicated diseases in said countries. To write new books. To lead 15 Cavalier students through 6 months of passion-led learning that will open up worlds and millennia of culture. To once again put down roots where they were so long ago severed. — The author is no longer in Vietnam. — #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor #joshwritebook
May you never—no matter how old you feel—cease to sneak into private-resort beaches. And may you always—and with the utmost pomp and certainty—tell the men employed to keep you off those beaches that you are staying in room 301. — "Your soul is only as divine as the niches of God's earth which you despite man's partition of it use." OR "Your soul is only as divine as the partitions of God's earth into which you sweet talk your way." — Which do we think? — #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor #anaisspencer
The Stones Of Venice Tour 2017 is over. It was an utterly incredible month. 12 tours, over which I do believe Venice and I have inspired dozens of people back to life. I aimed to teach people how to do more than to look. I aimed to teach them how to see. I do believe I may have occasionally succeeded. We started each morning at 6am and had always the city entirely to ourselves while we explored 1000 years of history, art, culture, genius, money (and, let's admit it here, food and wine). I invented and ran 2 custom-built single-afternoon tours, and 3 tours were private—to Torcello, Lido, and to see Venice's smaller and more precious paintings. It was for me immensely rewarding. The tour testimonials I have so far received continue to be among my proudest achievements. — At about the halfway mark I started to feel that the tours were but a fraction of the work I could be doing to pass on Venice's lessons to the wider world. I decided that I shall turn the tour into a book. A paperback to be illustrated by the very talented and unknowingly Venetian-minded @samuelahumphreys. It shall not be a tour of Venice, nor a history, but a STORY of Venice. It shall be released in conjunction with... — The Stones Of Venice Tour 2018! — APRIL, 2018. The Tour returns. Start looking at flights; plan your Italian vacation! 11 months from now, the tour and I shall return to Venice. — Thank you to all who came to Venice this year. Thank you to all who allowed me to show them my Venetian story, and thereby Venice's history, art, and culture and the full measure of her genius, as well as the melancholy of her decline. You were the true delight of my month, and I hope that Venice gives you, as it has given me, a LIFETIME of intellectual, spiritual, and creative inspiration. — Until next year! #stonesofvenicetour #theauthorinvenezia — (And thank you to @niaz69 for the image! A delightful woman, with a camera, pointed at me, while I tried to get her to look at Venice!) #photographiesoftheauthor
I am almost without words. Fifteen hours of work—eight of rewriting; seven of translating. — The translation of GRIEVE, into a language that has hitherto not ever been formulated, shall be a world-first. It is exhausting, but its uniqueness and fresh hilarity have brought a new vigour to my process. — Back home in Bangkok and I have taken to beginning my 6am day with a stroll to my new favourite temple (pictured), there to sit with a new notebook (not pictured, but a gloriously green Moleskine), scribbling ideas for the next NEXT novel. The monks seem only slightly to mind. They have not yet thrown an object at my paganly studious head. Yet. — And after an early morning interspersed with very elegant reading I return to the apartment and write my unkempt butt off. — Oh, to have a kempt butt! — But yes. No words left. 16,000 of them rewritten. 1500 of them translated. Words, words, words. Words words. Words, words, words; words words. — I got lost for a while watching Robin Williams videos, then tried to buy a guitar. But I soon recovered, and went home to eat for dinner sliced cucumber with salt and lime juice. I'm hungry. They have weird guitar brands here. Tailor. CPMartin & So. Fendor. Yamahaa. And all the instruments sound as though they were made in China. Largely because they were made in China. Too bad. The full Elvis version of Let It Go will have to wait. — No words. — #joshwritebook #photographiesoftheauthor #theauthorinthailand — joshvahvmphreys.com
The diary, the diary, the diary! It has been a week. From Melbourne to Bangkok, I escaped a biblical flood on Koh Tao to for the first time ever live on my own. You give a man freedom, and this is what he does with it. 🤦🏻♂️ But! When, eventually, (if) I wake up and get out of bed, my week's diary shall be compiled and emailed to you. Yes. You can read my diary. Candid, probably offensive, defini— It's 7am and I have not slept. Too delirious for captions. — The diary. 👉🏻joshvahvmphreys.com to sign up to read it. There's a pop-up, and a link at the bottom of the page. Because I'm a fancyboy. A fanycboy who already has the beginnings of a headache. A fancyboy who sometimes sits at tiny blue tables and drinks out of plastic buckets. Oh the shame. This is going to be a long day. — From Melbourne to Bangkok. I Can't Unwrite That: the diary of a novelist. Etc etc etc. Caption, caption, caption. I have a headache. And I think I ate Burger King last night. There are fries in my ear. — 👉🏻joshvahvmphreys.com #icantunwritethat #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor
Hottest city in the world, greatest hat in the world. Bangkok is not a place conducive to work. #thehat #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor
Taking three days off. From everything. Including captions. Except MAYBE a review of Exquisite Hours. Maybe. Because my novels are my life. But apart from #EHreviews of #ExquisiteHours... three days off. — #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor #joshwritebook — Auf Wiedersprechen
The Stones Of Venice Tour... is sold out! The last two remaining days in October have been reserved and all my remaining time in Venice is now spoken for. Now.... to maintain the standard of wonder and astonishment that, as far as I can tell from the feedback, the Stones Of Venice Tour has thus far been bequeathing to its students! — For those of you who couldn't make it this year, I can here make a tentative announcement... Late April and May next year—The Stones Of Venice Tour WILL return! I'll release specific dates and opening specials in the first week of November. I've found that the smaller the group the greater the enjoyment, so places next Spring will be even more limited than this year's. To keep one step ahead of the Instagram crowd, head to 👉🏻 joshvahvmphreys.com and sign up to my mailing list, and you shall be the first to know when dates and places on The Stones Of Venice Tour 2017 are released! — For now, I do hope you enjoy the Venice posts as much as I am enjoying posting them. — #theauthorinvenezia #letsgotovenice #photographiesoftheauthor
Oh to spend a day in the city of Arnold and Newman! City of dreaming spires! To walk in the footsteps of Millais and Rossetti, Beerbohm and Zuleika Dobson. To gaze upon chapels wherein Ruskin once prayed! And oh, to picnic in the quad of Hertford College, where Evelyn Waugh—that singularly powerful influence upon my life and work—spent his university years drinking champagne and eating quail eggs and smooching boys! Oh Oxford, home of lost causes, and forsaken beliefs, and unpopular names, and impossible loyalties! #theauthorisveryveryhappy #photographiesoftheauthor
#bretagne #nantes #patriceblanc #photographiesoftheauthor #paysage
And on the left we have a smiling executioner, moonlighting as a remorseless barber. This, taken pre-massacre. You pay £2 for a haircut, you expect to wear a hat for a while. I.... shall be wearing a hat for a while. #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor
It's a long weekend! In the UK and in America! I just realised. So let the inscribed copy draw continue! This gives you another day to grab your copy of Exquisite Hours from Amazon, thereby going into the draw to win an inscribed copy signed by me and mailed from Vietnam! Just make sure that when you've purchased you let me know so I can write down your IG name for the draw on Tuesday! Amazon.com to read the now thirty 5-star reviews of #ExquisiteHours and to be in the draw to turn your copy into an inscribed one! Happy long weekend and happy reading! #joshsignbook #photographiesoftheauthor
A very busy day today signing postcards in the tropical rain for my latest exuberant batch of lovely new readers! There are just six days left in whatever month this is—May—to become a new reader of my second novel and to thereby garner a handwritten postcard sent from Hoi An, Vietnam, where I have hidden myself in order to write my third! I should DEARLY like to thank and welcome you by hand, so do head to Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk ASAP to read the twenty-seven 5-star reviews that Exquisite Hours has so far amassed and to grab your copy before it is too late! #joshwritepostcard #photographiesoftheauthor
To my Disciples and Apostles, to those who have made and are making possible my time here while I work on the new book, I dedicate this sunset! Each evening I put my face to the sun and thank the universe that I have people who believe in me and in my work. And Oh how sublime tonight's—sitting on Alice, Horace Silver blaring, and an ice cold (33c beer)—was. Thank you all, truly. And if becoming a patron of the arts, of my art, of the comedy novel—is something you might be interested in, all the info on becoming an Apostle or a Disciple can be found on my website! In exchange for giving this young upstart of an artist both the freedom and the security to write, for becoming a patron of my art, for making possible the writing of my third novel—your shall be one of the first inscribed copies of every book I ever write, for free, forever, and your name inscribed on my motorbike here in Vietnam! Head to joshuahumphreys.net for more information and to become a patron of the arts today! #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor
Ladies and gentlemen, Instagram, world—I introduce to you... Alice. She is incomparably beautiful, and I love her. I am to ride her from Saigon to Hoi An. She is to be with me for 900kms, and then some. And I'm setting out this morning on the road trip that is to be my catharsis after 6 weeks of signing books and filming myself being an idiot, followed by ten days in hell (Cambodia) for work. Cue the epic music (Elvis—Zarathustra & See See Rider); begin the day with a prayer (I thank you Lord, that I am placed so well—see my last signing video), and we're off. #Roadtrip #theauthorinvietnam #photographiesoftheauthor
Apparently this is what I look like when a complete stranger is secretly photographing me. Later, she tracks me down in Siem Reap to tell me that she was taking photographs of me. The Amazon launch of Exquisite Hours is coming up, so if anybody has just finished reading it I would love to hear your thoughts on it! Your reviews are what is going to convince the tepid and the shy that they too need to love and laugh through the 289 pages of my latest novel! Thanks in advance! #photographiesoftheauthor #theauthorincambodia
There is only one place on earth, genuinely, where at 7am you can meet a guy called Chilapon and a guy called Rob, eat fried pork belly, and by 7:30am be five pints and two packets of Marlboro reds in. That place is Bangkok. And there is nowhere on earth I would rather be letting off steam right now. I love everyone. #theauthorinthailand #photographiesoftheauthor
When it's 37 outside (that's 98, America) there is only one way to get cleaned off after bluing yourself for a photo. And of course that is by being hosed down. Invigorating. Who said spending the summer promoting the funniest novel in the history of funny novels wouldn't be fun? #ExquisiteHours #photographiesoftheauthor #braveheartmermaid
Apparently it's World Book Day or something. Whatever the crap that means. All I can do, is announce the return of inscribed copies of Exquisite Hours! It has been on back-order for a week but I have at last received fresh copies of the first ever comedy novel! I shall be promoting it all weekend, and then sitting down on Monday to get absolutely intoxicated while I inscribe and mail the last print-run of Exquisite Hours EVER!! In a couple of weeks I leave The West for The East to research and write the next book, and these limited edition inscribed and numbered copies of Exquisite Hours will never exist again! Today I'll be basking in the sun, occasionally being remoistened with a hose so that my scales don't dry out. So head to my website, check out #EHreviews for what IG readers are saying about #ExquisiteHours, follow the old postage stamps and order via PayPal your numbered and drunken-merman-inscribed copies of why will be your new hilarious favourite book now! #joshwritebook #underthesea #photographiesoftheauthor
This morning a follower commented that she'd love to be in my brain for just a day. So I thought I'd give her a sneak peek. I wake up thinking only of drinking a lot of creamy soda, the pink kind, straight from the 1.25 litre bottle. Then I think about a made-up Seinfeld episode. Then I am bored. I have no book to work on. Utter utter boredom. I text a friend, a very well-paid buyer. I tell her I'm bored. She says SHE'S bored. Rather be rich and bored. Then, dipping stale bread into instant coffee, I recall that I'm one small step from homelessness. I shower. I wait 5 minutes for it to get hot, then I realise I've turned the cold the tap on. I work on an essay on budget travel, and, stuck in the suburbs, feel utterly low. Then I take my asthma inhaler and think about how I wouldn't have survived as a child 100 years ago. And I probably don't have the physical capabilities of Wolverine. Then I go for a run, and things get REALLY strange. I think of a funny insult: "If she were a metal you would not describe her as a superconductor." I wonder how much a bath cost, the water in it, that is, and if it's fancy to have a bath. I wonder if birds get bored, I'm certain that seabirds do. Can snakes get skin cancer and do they just shed their skin and grow a new one? If you do a double degree does it mean you have twice as many teachers? If they made fake butterflies they'd be called margarineflies. Then I tried to run backwards downhill and I fell over. I think about how that vow of celibacy I took until my book sales-target is met is a real sonofabitch, and then I hate for 10 minutes on serial-likers. The funniest novel in 60 years is staring at them in the face and all they do is double-tap and comment, 😍. Then I think about giving up entirely and not writing books. Get a real job. Then I tell myself to stop being a little bitch, and to work harder at winning them over. The book's funny, you're funny. Use it. I'm walking now, by the way. Then I see a beautiful suburban housewife, and I start sprinting so she thinks I'm fast. Then I remember my vow of celibacy. And it's not even noon yet. @drcaseyheckman, Would you STILL like to spend a day in my brain? #joshwritebook
"To advance art men's lives must be given, and to receive it, their hearts." Two years ago I decided I was going to make a career of writing novels. I set it up so that I had no fallback. I sold everything I owned and declared quite loudly to quite a lot of people that I was going to be a novelist. Failure meant humiliation and probably a career stacking shelves in a supermarket. The choice has cost me the healthiest relationship I was ever likely to have, and two small fortunes. Now, after my first novel went practically unread, my second is going to sell out its first print-run. I have for two-and-a-half days been drunkenly inscribing pre-ordered copies of Exquisite Hours and I am about to go to sleep (pass out). By the time I wake up in the morning the first run WILL BE SOLD OUT. I'll order a second run tomorrow night, which will take a week to get to me, at least another week to get to you. So if you'd prefer to read Exquisite Hours before Easter, do get in on the copies I still have in-hand and order as soon as possible (i.e. now)! #ExquisiteHours only available at joshuahumphreys.net #joshwritebook
This author wishes for no wealth but the freedom to entertain you. That freedom comes in being able to go away somewhere very isolated in order to write. I spent most of last year writing the novel I've just released; my aim now is to have its sales fund the sequestration necessary to write the next. No profit, just new entertainment. I already have the complete story for the next. I am itching to get away and be alone for four months in order to write it. A signed and numbered--and drunkenly inscribed--copy of Exquisite Hours. ... Not only will you very soon be reading your new favourite novel, but you'll also be helping to fund the writing of your new NEW favourite novel! #joshwritebook #ExquisiteHours @ joshuahumphreys.net.
Just had the most horrible dream. The ground was made of liquorice and there were peacocks everywhere, and Single Ladies was playing from loudspeakers. The peacocks started doing the dance but I was in a kilt and my ankles were handcuffed to a chair and I was knitting myself a Christmas sweater out of pho noodles. Then Bradley Cooper came out of the sky dressed as a Jedi and he told me in Christopher Walken’s voice that if I didn’t take a just-woken-up selfie that I would be forced to work in a supermarket for the rest of my life and he threatened to change the music to One Direction. Then I accidentally called him Matt Damon and he got angry and changed the song and then the peacocks started mauling each other. Then Indiana Jones’ dad swung in to untie my legs but he was allergic to liquorice so his feet melted off. Then we were all in a barn for Monica Bellucci’s wedding (to Hugh Jackman) but the priest was reading the ceremony from Exquisite Hours (the bastard) and Monica looked at me and frowned because really she loved me and she mouthed the words, 'But it's your book, I love you.' Then Robert De Niro was brushing my teeth. Then I woke up. So, on pain of being made to listen to One Direction while working in a supermarket for the rest of my life, a just-woken-up… #joshwritebook
Do read my novel. It's VERY funny. And rather elegant as well. And I put a great deal of effort, and nine months of my life, into writing it. And in order to get it published last weekend I listened to the soundtrack to The Music Man about 400 times, I rarely brushed my teeth, I ate a Serbian village worth of bacon, I smoked far more tobacco than is not going to give me mouth cancer, and eventually sold books to Finland, Bolivia, and the Phillipines. It was an interesting four days. #theauthorisnowdrunk #ExquisiteHours #theauthorinmelbourne #joshwritebook #photographiesoftheauthor