š¦Life is tough, but so are you. š»You need to hear this today You are capable of achieving more than you think. Take the first step towards your goals with your own Chronically Thriving Daily Planner Let's make today the start of your success story! #lightattheendofthetunnel #msawareness #silverlinings #wearenotalone #isurvived #iwillsurvive #ineedhelp #inittogether #curems #thisisms #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #invisiblestrength #idontlooksick #msfighters #fums #multiplesclerose #mswarriors
š Are you challenged with the daily grind, feeling like you're running in place? Remember, itās not about the speed but the steady progress. šŖ Envision your dreams. Then, don't just dream - do. Every small step taken is a victory towards your goal. š” Keep in mind, success is not a sprint. It's a marathon. ā¤ļø Embrace the journey, celebrate your victories and, above all, be kind to yourself. You've got this! Believe in your power. #Empowerment #ProgressNotSpeed #accomplishments #selfdoubt #youhavethepower #overcomeobstacles #90degrees #liveonpurpose #dontsweatthesmallstuff #girlsgonestrong #santascoming #accomplish #takethefirststep #achievinggoals #livingwithintention #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #invisiblestrength #idontlooksick #msfighters #fums #multiplesclerose #mswarriors
MS hair tip for a low energy day. 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner. It might not seem like a big deal, but on low energy days when faking a shower won't work, having less steps to wash your hair is amazing. What is your favorite MS energy saving lifehack? ā¬ļøLeave me a comment.ā¬ļø #projectmsblessed #mswarriors #strengthinunity #shiftdotms #invisiblestrength #wehavems #hopeisanaction #msstrength #mgawareness #idontlooksick #rrms #msfighters #mustendms #thisisms #multiplesclerosisresearch #makingstrides #livingwithms #mssymptoms #msproblems #curemultiplesclerosis #beatms #curems #mssucks #multiplesclerosismama #msstrong #msawarenessmonth
Check out this MS lifehack to live by! I've got a fantastic little tip to share with you all today. š On those low-energy days when our hair just won't cooperate, hats come to the rescue! š© Not only do they save us from the hassle of styling our locks, but they also add a touch of flair to our outfits! š šWhat is your favorite MS lifehack you live by? I'd love to hear how you make life easier living with MS. Living with MS can sometimes mean battling fatigue and dealing with a myriad of symptoms that drain our energy. So, why not make life a little easier and embrace the power of hats? They're not just a fashion accessory but a practical solution too! šāāļø Throw on a trendy baseball cap, a cozy beanie, or a chic fedora, and voila! You've instantly hidden that "bad hair day" with style and grace. š It's a simple way to boost your confidence and make a statement, even when you're not feeling your best. Plus, hats can be a great conversation starter, giving you the chance to share your MS journey and raise awareness. š£ļøš So, my fellow MS warriors, let's celebrate the wonders of hats! Let's rock our favorite headwear, elevate our fashion game, and conquer those low-energy days with flair! šš Remember, you're amazing just the way you are, and a hat is just the icing on the cake! š°āØ Sending love and strength to each and every one of you. Stay fabulous, stay resilient! š #MSLifehack #HatsForTheWin #BadHairDaySavior #MSWarrior #FashionFlair #ChronicIllnessAwareness #StayFabulous #projectmsblessed #mswarriors #shiftdotms #invisiblestrength #msstrength #mgawareness #rrms #msfighters #mustendms #thisisms #multiplesclerosisresearch #makingstrides #livingwithms #msproblems #mslife #curemultiplesclerosis #beatms #curems #mssucks #multiplesclerosismama #msstrong #msawarenessmonth
Do you have goals outside of managing MS? What are they?? Hey there, awesome folks! Let's talk about finding goals that bring us happiness! š Life is an adventure, full of possibilities. Sometimes we focus too much on goals related to our challenges, but it's important to remember that happiness knows no boundaries. So, let's discover goals that light up our souls! First, be true to yourself. Find what truly brings you joy, whether it's a new hobby, exploring new places, or learning something exciting. Dream big and let your imagination guide you! Remember, the journey matters too. Embrace setbacks and keep going. Each step shapes who you're becoming. Goals can change and that's okay. Be open to new opportunities and adjust along the way. Lastly, support and cheer each other on! Share your goals with loved ones and find a positive community to lift you up. So, let's set sail towards happiness, chase our dreams, and celebrate every milestone! š»What is your biggest challenge on achieving your goals right now? Leave a comment and lets chat. Love and Hope -š¦Leisa #projectmsblessed #mswarriors #livingourbestlives #inspiringothers #strengthinunity #shiftdotms #invisiblestrength #wehavems #hopeisanaction #msstrength #mgawareness #idontlooksick #rrms #msfighters #mustendms #thisisms #makingstrides #livingwithms #msproblems #mslife #beatms #curems #multiplesclerosismama #msstrong #msawarenessmonth
If youāre a fan of inspiring reads then I have an š Exciting Announcement! š I am thrilled to share with you the release of "Project MS Blessed: From Despair to Hope - Stories of Multiple Sclerosis Warriors across the World"! š This incredible journey has been a labor of love, as I had the honor of interviewing extraordinary individuals and compiling their stories, delving deep into their lives to discover how they found hope in the face of multiple sclerosis. šŖ Every single interview touched my heart and inspired me in ways I never imagined. The resilience, courage, and unwavering spirit of these warriors are beyond words. They have faced immense challenges, but instead of succumbing to despair, they have chosen to embrace hope and carve out beautiful lives for themselves. Their stories will move you, empower you, and remind you of the incredible strength within each one of us. š But that's not all! "Project Ms Blessed" is also a companion book to my upcoming self-help masterpiece, "Hope is an Action." āØ In this book, I dive deeper into the transformative power of hope, providing practical tools, guidance, and insights to help you cultivate hope and unleash your true potential. It's a testament to the belief that with the right mindset and action, we can overcome any obstacle life throws our way. I am immensely grateful to all the incredible warriors who shared their stories with me and trusted me with their journeys. Your bravery and resilience have touched my soul, and I hope that by sharing your experiences, we can inspire millions around the world. š Together, let's spread hope, raise awareness, and support each other on this extraordinary path of life. "Project MS Blessed" is available on amazon in print and ebook. š»Get your copy today! #ProjectMsBlessed #HopeIsAnAction #MultipleSclerosisWarriors #InspirationalStories #Empowerment #PreOrderNow #inspiringothers #mswarriors #thisisms #livingwithms #mslife #curems #msstrong #shiftdotms #invisiblestrength #wehavems #msstrength #idontlooksick #rrms #msfighters #mustendms #msproblems #beatms
š Hey friends, do you want to know the secret behind the art of Sharing Hope: Its A Ripple Effect Did you know that when we share hope, we actually get hope? It's incredible how a simple act of kindness or a heartfelt message can ignite a flame of optimism in someone's heart including your own. šÆļøš So, let's continue to be beacons of hope in a world that sometimes feels uncertain. Let's share our stories of triumph, spread words of encouragement, and lend a hand to those in need. In doing so, we not only give hope to others, but we also find hope within ourselves. š¦ ā¤ļøā¤ļøLike this post and show your hope Loves š¦Leisa #multiplesclerosissociety #msproblems #msfamily #solumedral #msunicorn #wehavems #msunicorns #rrms #ihavems #cronicpain #msawarenessmonth #msfatigue #msawarenessweek #mgawareness #mslife #msstrong #curems #livingwithms #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #invisiblestrength #idontlooksick #msfighters #fums #multiplesclerose
š¦From the very beginning, I knew that I wanted to be an author.(or a clothing designer, but that's a post for another day) šI started off with writing YA sci-fi, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would one day be writing non-fiction. Yet here I am, excited to be on my final-ish round of edits for my self-help book, "Hope is an Action". ā¤ This book has been a labor of love, born out of my own struggles and experiences. It is a guide to help others navigate through tough times and find the hope and resilience within themselves to keep moving forward. ā¤I am humbled and grateful for this opportunity to share my words and my story with the world. Dreams do come true, and I hope that my journey can inspire others to follow their own dreams, no matter where they may lead. Loves š¦Leisa #authorlife #writingcommunity #selfhelpbooks #nevergiveuponyourdreams #hopeisanaction" #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #invisiblestrength #idontlooksick #msfighters #fums #multiplesclerose #mswarriors #365grateful #longnight #aintnobodygottimeforthat #otherhalf #meds #keepcalmandcarryon #findacure #hadablast #notgivingup #irunthisbody #itsallgood
š It's easier to laugh, than cry. While it's important to maintain a positive outlook, the reality of living with Multiple Sclerosis can be challenging. It often feels like we're playing a never-ending game of 'What's Next?' where the answers can be unpredictable and unwelcome. However, it's important to remember that we're not alone in this game. Together, we can face each challenge with strength, resilience, and a good sense of humor. Let's keep playing and laughing along the way. ā¤ļøLike this post if you relate. Loves š¦Leisa #sicklecellanemia #ostomate #multiplesclerosissociety #msproblems #msfamily #solumedral #msunicorn #wehavems #msunicorns #rrms #ihavems #cronicpain #msawarenessmonth #msfatigue #msawarenessweek #mgawareness #mslife #msstrong #curems #livingwithms #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong
š¤·āāļøMy unpopular opinoion- There is power in embracing worst case scenarios. šResearch tells us, when we create an action plan for obstacle before we reach them it reduces stress, and increases hope. šSo go ahead, think of the worst thing that can happen. Make a plan, and stop worrying. I š'd love to hear your thoughts. Leave me a comment and lets chat. Loves š¦Leisa #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #multiplesclerosissucks #multiplesclerosismama #curemultiplesclerosis #multiplesclerosisresearch #multiplesclerosisfighther #multiplesclerosissupport #multiplesclerosisproblems #sclerosis #scleri #multiplesclerosisawareness #mssucks #multiplesclerosissociety #multiplesclerosis #msawareness #365grateful #longnight #aintnobodygottimeforthat #otherhalf #meds #keepcalmandcarryon #findacure #hadablast #notgivingup #irunthisbody #itsallgood
šOne of my top five pieces of advice for MS friends... šāāļøTrust yourself. šøYou have within you the strength, the wisdom, and the intuition to navigate any situation that comes your way. š£Believe in your abilities and trust the decisions you make. Remember that no one knows you better than you know yourself. When you trust yourself, you open the door to limitless possibilities and the potential for great success. ā¤ļøSo go ahead, take that leap of faith and trust yourself to soar. Like this post and share with your friends. Loves š¦Leisa #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #multiplesclerosissucks #multiplesclerosismama #curemultiplesclerosis #multiplesclerosisresearch #multiplesclerosisfighther #multiplesclerosissupport #multiplesclerosisproblems #sclerosis #scleri #multiplesclerosisawareness #mssucks #multiplesclerosissociety #multiplesclerosis #msawareness #365grateful #longnight #aintnobodygottimeforthat #otherhalf #meds #keepcalmandcarryon #findacure #hadablast #notgivingup #irunthisbody #itsallgoodTrust yourself. You have within you the strength, the wisdom, and the intuition to navigate any situation that comes your way. Believe in your abilities and trust the decisions you make. Remember that no one knows you better than you know yourself. When you trust yourself, you open the door to limitless possibilities and the potential for great success. So go ahead, take that leap of faith and trust yourself to soar
šThe best way increase happiness... -Sharing happiness can bring so much joy, even in the midst of a challenging journey with multiple sclerosis. -Whether it's a kind word, a smile, or a thoughtful gesture, spreading positivity can lift our spirits and brighten someone else's day. -Let's make it a goal to share happiness wherever we go, and watch as it multiplies in our own lives. šIf you agree. Share something that made you happy today. Loves š¦ Leisa #msstrength #immunodeficiency #mustendms #girlsgonestrong #invisiblestrength #idontlooksick #msfighters #multiplesclerose #mswarriors #sicklecellanemia #ostomate #multiplesclerosissociety #msproblems #msfamily #solumedral #msunicorn #wehavems #msunicorns #rrms #ihavems #cronicpain #msawarenessmonth #msfatigue #msawarenessweek #mgawareness #mslife #msstrong #curems #livingwithms
I havenāt been refilling my well daily. I havenāt been refilling my well at all. Life was moving at such an accelerated pace. Time flies when you are having fun riiight? Then for the last couple of weeks Iāve felt everything shifted. It was a sudden and unexpected shift but while my heads been spinning tryna catch up with the present moment, itās now time for loading dose #āš½. Itās felt so fast that a week has already flown by but yet, while this week was happening, I felt it nothing but excruciating. This whole process has been excruciating. My head is spinning and I feel Iāve been on an absolute roller coaster of emotions. I had worked so hard quenching my thirst. I had worked had to heal myself of thirst so I wouldnāt have to accept less than I deserve. I drew boundaries. I started expecting more from those around me. But not in a bitch about if Iām not getting it way. It was a new me, it was a meet my standards or Iāll walk away me. A version of myself I was just recently introduced to. A person who had finally learned to close the door nicely. And also to accept that some doors needed to close and that was ok too. I didnāt really realize the magnitude of the door I was opening. I didnāt realize the depths of emotions I would begin to drown in because I invited a parasite into my mind, body, and soul. I only knew angry and rage most of my life. Every āemotionā I ever experienced led to the only 2 emotions I knew. As an adult, it became my difficult responsibility to rewire and recategorize what feeling I was experiencing and match that to the proper emotion. I had to LEARN that not all roads led to rage and anger. I had to open myself up to the scary unknown of feeling. You canāt un-know something. And now that I know full well what itās like to be heard, to be seen, to be validatedā¦ I canāt be around anything lessā¦ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #kesimpta #msstrongš #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
For so many years everything was so outta sight, outta mindā¦ My way of controlling. Me, being so far away from home. States away. Avoid phone calls thanks to caller id. Visit if you choose. Like I said, very controlled. And if I didnāt have the capacity-I just didnāt. And I had finally felt like I had gotten to a truly great place. Happy everyday. Happy all day. Just happyš Recently, my partner told me this may be āthe testā. The test of all the years of work. The test of all the tools in my tool belt that Iāve been sharpening daily. The final ascension before I move thru the portal into a new chapter where pain is something I no longer feel but only have stories to tell of a time when I had experienced it. Past tense. My control and better judgement kept me avoiding the ātestsā at all costs for nearly 20 years. Avoiding period. Mindā¢bodyā¢soulā¢energyā¢effortā¦ Avoided it all and never had any regret. I guess you can do all the healing in the world while you avoid the source like the plague and this can feel āhealedāā¦ Then unexpectedly, the plague shows up at your door and needs you to serve as a caregiver. Caregiver? Like care for someone who was horrible to me? That someone who I secretly blame for my very abrupt and life changing inconvenience-MS-due to a lifetime of wicked disappointment, sadness, cutting, crying, depression, chaos, confusion, and a very dark and twisted home life for a little girl. The little girl that still bleeds inside of meā¤ļøāš©¹ To the plague that I felt kept me sick for so longā¦ unsafe for so longā¦ to the plague Iāve avoided for nearly half my life. To the source of the conspiracy theories that MS can be attributed to childhood severe trauma. Well, here I sit with no choice but to face the plague head on and hope that as my partner stated, will close this chapter for goodā¦ The well is dry and always has been. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #kesimpta #ivinfusions #msstrong #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I stopped Dimethyl Fumarate late September under the direction of my new doc. She thought approximately 30 days or so wouldāve been a good amount of time to cleanse my body and begin something new. Once I stopped the Dimethyl Fumarate/Tecfidera after over 5 years and started doing bloodwork on a body that hadnāt been DMT free for many years, all these viruses started showing up positive on my blood tests. First it was Epstein Barr, then it was JC virus, then I had protein in my urine. I wasnāt sure why all these things that had never shown positive before were all of a sudden showing up as problematic and at a time where I was already nervous for every single step of the way. In between all my anxiety of the unknown and this scary new DMT journey, my insurance denied my request for Kesimpta. Myself and my doc appealed. Insurance denied again and we again, appealed this decision. The reasons listed for the denial were things like: ā¢no recent hospital visits ā¢no new lesions ā¢no progression on existing lesionsā¦ ALL reasons I didnāt agree with. And in all fairness, if I had gotten diagnosed in the last few years, I probably wouldāve started on Kesimpta?!?! People will never really understand how defeating it is to live with a chronic illness. Day in and day out, come what may-we keep pushing and the absolute last thing any of us need is push back from big pharma for dollar signs. How an insurance company can decide and delegate what your treatment should be and what medicine should be granted to who is beyond me. We live in a world of everyone screaming injustices and discriminations any chance they get, and yet some paper pusher at an insurance office gets to say which MS patients get approved for certain drugs versus others who are at the mercy of what that insurance person feelsā¦. Sad but true. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
When I was originally diagnosed, Kesimpta wasnāt on the market yetā¦ i think Kesimpta was born 2-3 years after my diagnosis. I was in my early 30s and a single parent of 2, so the diagnosis in itself was alarming and had me shook to my core. I had heard of MS but didnāt know anything that it entailed and I always thought this was something only older people gotā¦ I was so numb, in shock and just utterly fearful of what the future looked like, I just followed my doctors lead blindly and thatās where my Tecfidera journey began. While I may have been miserable in the beginning, everything I read online about this DMT seemed to align with how I was feelingā¦ so I wasnāt particularly alarmed. It sucked but nothing I was feeling seemed to be abnormal for this medicine and itās many side effectsā¦ and the goal of DMTs are theoretically to halt future progression so the day to day ailments have got to be worth it riiight? between the gastrointestinal issues, dizziness, nausea, tingling, diarrhea, constipation, brain fog, headaches, body aches, vertigo, and just feeling depleted constantly, I didnāt ever think to just abort the mission and change meds. When my new doc suggested immediately getting off Tecfidera, I was super scared. Had a moment of battered wife syndrome where despite the misery I constantly felt, I was also actually finally feeling acclimated. The thought of switching DMTs had me shook. After so many years of feeling miserable, I was finally used to it. I may have felt like crap 99% of the time but I had gotten used to this. This was the way of life for me. This had become my life. I didnāt know day to day life without stomach issues or bathroom issuesā¦ the unknown was scary. The unknown made me uneasy and while I was thrilled at the possibility of feeling better, I was so nervous for the unknown. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
In the beginning of September, I received a call from the Cleveland Clinicā¦ Completely out of the blue might I add.
Backstory: 5+ years ago when I was initially diagnosed, I wanted to go to this place. An entire brain center with nothing but Neurologists, different specialties but nonetheless all Neurologists!šš½ All doctors who focus on the part of me that I feel is broken. I wanted to go here! I needed to go here! Felt I wouldāve gotten the best care here. And the building is super fun and creativeā¦ long story-short, Insurance didnāt cover it and couldnāt afford to cash pay so ended up at the Neuro Iāve been with since and didnāt really ever think about it again.
So I get this random call and they eagerly share that my insurance has finally approved me going there and they schedule me and Iāll be seeing a doctor in like a week. Everythingās all happening so quick. I have no issues with my doctor who I have been seeing all these years. No complaints hereš¤·š½āāļø So do I go? If I donāt go, will I always have regret? A sense of shouldāve couldāve wouldāve? So I went. She immediately has me stop Tecfidera. Was actually shocked I deal with so many horrible day to day effects of the medicine and yet still consistently and loyally took those damn blue pills twice a day for over 5 years. So I officially stopped Tecfidera
6 month hiatusā¦ not too badš¤·š½āāļø Lots has happened between May (my last post) and now. Kinda easier to just jump right in and go backwards from present dayā¦ š Thought about Tyler Perryās Diary of a Mad Black Woman a lot recently. More than I should have probablyā¦ You go to a very dark place when you have to pay it forward with regards to someone who never treated you well-to take care of them. Thatās the situation I find myself in. I thought the first day was legit the hardest day of my life. Initially, I totallly thought the physicality wouldāve been debilitating but it was actually the emotional piece that sent me on a tailspin. We are getting ready to close day 4 and have about 10-11 days to go. Things are definitely getting easier by the day. Not the emotional treachery or the childhood trauma thatās bleeding out-but the actual day to day routine shit has gotten easier and flows a lot better. Itās definitely been a roller coaster. Lots of guilty feelings hanging over my head, feelings of my pops turning in his grave that weāve come to this. The irony of the whole situation burns me to my core. Not just that I ended up being one of the only ones willing to take care of her but that the actual āpetā was the furthest from the one volunteering for any of this shit. Baffles me. And if I didnāt carry so much hatred in my heart for this person, I probably actually wouldāve felt sorry for them. Sorry for the situation. Sorry for how things turned out. But in reality, no one has to be sorry for karma running its courseā¦ Too often I rely on the people around me to ācaretakeā me to some degree. I felt it my duty to step up and caretake someone around me who is in need as well. I wouldāve never bit the hand that fed me but then againā¦ I never thought Iād be where Iām at either. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
These things work and can help with my biggest MS symptom, walking. So I started a gofundme and linked it in my bio. Iāve gone through a lot of trials this year and this is one more Iām determined to beat.
Den er skam god nok, vi fandt masser af ler, pĆ„ ler-gravgaard.. Hvilket udmĆøntede sig i en Limited edition; Lergravgaard-mursten-2022 š§±š§± š . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . #mustendms #bindingsvƦrk #idyl #love #instagood #fashion #photooftheday #beautiful #art #photography #happy #lergravgaard #bedandbreakfast #festlokaler #djursland #familielejligheder #landet #strand #events #Denmark #cute #follow #tbt #followme #nature #like4like #travel #instagram #style
š¤Æ Is this me? Is this what Iām experiencing as we speak? Is this really what I continuously choose for myself? Waiting... Hopeful... Optimistic about a partner reaching a level of emotional availability that Iāll understand. That will finally make me feel something from them? Iām rewriting my definition of what love is and means to me. Apart of this is how I feel when Iām being loved. How feeling loved by someone feels. I often donāt FEEL loved. I know a huge factor for this is much of my mommy and daddy trauma-which Iām unpacking. I know this is the result of false narratives that continuously play into a story in my head that Iām desperately trying to avoid, erase, re-write and work thru. But is it more? Could things be easier than they are? SHOULD things be easier than they are? At this point, I still canāt even answer with a concrete answer what love is to me... What I do know is that I donāt see or feel love where Iām at-beyond my childhood trauma-beyond the false story in my head. I donāt know how to see love as having a partner constantly on their phone-i donāt know how to constantly feel ignored and invisible. A partner who can spend all day away from you and still come home to have his face in a screen. I want someone who wants to engage. Converse. Stimulate. Someone whoās excited to finally see me/hold me/touch me/kiss me. Embrace. Whoās been waiting all day to give me hugs and kisses. Someone who seems like they care. Shows interest. Someone who sees me and makes me feel seen. I feel invisible. I feel empty. I feel alone. Iām holding myself like a prisoner hooked on the idea that āthis timeā he will see my worth, he will give me the attention that I crave and deserve, that we will share the same relationship values and honor the daily commitment to doing the work. Hard truth... #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
#myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Iāve become pretty mute lately.š¤ Like I can literally FEEL myself staring at someone but canāt seem to find the words so I just look away. Iāve been feeling lost for awhile now. I read a lot on @the.holistic.psychologist and am guessing this is my cocoon stage. I always relax a lot and spend most of my time in my bed due to MS but feeling so lost within myself due to this healing journey doesnāt help with my lack of motivation. I sit with my triggers so much and try to process thru them so not to suppress anything else and contribute to more crap weighing me down. My partner doesnāt know how to support me thru this process and Iāve never felt more distant. Is this distance and yucky feelings due to my intuition giving me a sign that this is no longer where I belong? Or is this the typical process of moving thru and processing old trauma and wounds? Either way, Iāve realized that I become more needy when Iām in this cocoon mood. My partner feels when Iām in the cocoon he should give me space. See how this difference of handling could cause grave distance? So thatās pretty much where we are at. My past trauma wants to tell me that when I need him the most-he never seems to respond appropriately. My intuition tells me that this is new for us both and we are equally navigating thru this difficult time the best we can. My trauma tells me that he will never give love that Iāll understand therefore Iāll never feel loved. My intuition tells me that Iām rewriting my own unflawed definition of what love means and feels like to me. Sometimes when I donāt feel loved by him-it is my old trauma/wounds/stories winning the battle. Other times, itās his inability to read the room or unwillingness to choose me over him that then causes triggers on top of triggers that Iām now left to deal with internally. So I drift off into space... #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
āEmotional Stressā before onset... š¤ Welp! I was in the worst relationship of my entire life for many years leading up to my diagnosis. Do I blame this for my MS? NO, but if butterfly effect were a real thing... Iād love to have started over again at 29ishš„“ and kinda had an overview of where the cards truly wouldāve fell... Would I still have gotten diagnosed with MS at 34? My whole life was pretty much a bag of emotional stress, now that Iām doing the unpacking... Was MS always in the cards either way? Was it always my destiny to live with MS? I guess weāll never really know. And probably not something particularly great to dwell on at this point... Emotional stress could have so many meanings. Every perspective could potentially have a very different meaning. Iāve now learned that I spent the majority of my life in survival mode so therefore, Iām just assuming my life was full of emotional stress. ā¢Both parents addictsāļø ā¢Teen parentsāļø ā¢Raised by grandparentsāļø Child feels abandoned... ā¢The more influential grandparent passes away not long afterāļø ā¢The existing grandparent very vocal about not wanting to have raised this grandchildāļø Child feels abandonment... ā¢Parents in and out of childs life āļø ā¢Child becomes teen parentāļø Continues onto... ā¢Lifetime of toxic and/or abusive relationshipsāļø Every checkmark here represents all the reasons someone falls blindly into survival mode and continues on to live a life in survival mode. MS is where the ride finally stopped. While I wish everyday that I didnāt have to live a life with MS, I also canāt deny how many good steps Iāve taken for myself because I got diagnosed with MS. Iāll always wish I didnāt have to live with this illness but Iāll never deny that getting this devastating diagnosis has only prompted and motivated me to meet and be the highest version of myself. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
This is all Iāve ever wantedā„ļø Never truly realized the value of showing up for yourself until I started doing the inner work... Kept believing that finding the ārightā one would solve all of my problems... like magic. But while I was hurting and before I was equipped to be there for myself in those tragic moments, all I ever wanted/prayed for was for someone to handle me with care. Instead, I got emotionally unavailable and incapable partners who never knew what to do with me or didnāt have the capacity to hold space for me in those chaotic moments and whatever they did do was usually the opposite of what actually wouldāve lead to any resolution or evolution for me. They helped bandaid deeper wounds-material things-vacations-distractions-numbing, they yelled back which only escalated chaos or kept the triggers locked and loaded on repeat, or they left because it had all become too much to handle and they were overwhelmed within themselves or in complete numb shutdown mode-neither of which can be conducive to aiding the healing process for either party. No one ever just held me till the pain stopped. No one ever just sat with me while we waited for the bleed out to pass together. I never truly felt I had the partner I needed at any given time in my life. Now Iāve learned that I needed to become everything I ever needed in order to attract exactly what it is that Iām searching for... yearning for... needing. I truly believe now that whatever is meant for me will find me. And whatās meant to stay will stay and what isnāt will leave when that time comes as well. No need to force or overthink anything anymore. No need to negatively and falsely add to any running stories in my head... just breathe. Just be patient. Follow your heart like you catch the last train of the night, wherever it leadsš¤ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I was so proud of myself for riding my stationary bike like 3 days in a row last week... maybe 10-15 minutes. Didnāt seem like a big deal at all. I typically do some light working out daily with weights anyway. WRONG! I then went on to have leg pains for the next 3-4-5 days. Like my legs were so tight that I couldnāt even put my feet flat on the ground. Like I was tippy toeing to even walk around...š© Havent been back on the bike since. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
#myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I recently did an assignment for my therapist. It was about 7 pages of activities that all circled around selfš¤love. List things you love about your mind, body, soul. List things you can forgive yourself for right now. Memorize this selfā¢love mantra that you can recite to yourself often. List words to describe who you are. Then, it asked what do you need to walk away from in order to love yourself more... This was a tough one for me. Itās not easy admitting that you would be showing yourself love if you were willing to walk away from certain people in your life... If you were willing to end certain relationships... I know I could love myself more if I didnāt choose to allow myself to stay in situations where I feel I have to beg for love. And this may not even be the case. Said persons may love me but the way in which they give love isnāt received as love on my end so this makes for a really rough situation-this leaves me feeling unloved... Like I am begging for it, performing for it, waiting for it. A situation that triggers past woundings of a lifetime of not feeling loved-triggers all those unwanted/unheard/unseen/unappreciated/unloved feelings and gets them bubbling over. I know Iām working thru these childhood woundings but I also feel working thru things would be a lot easier and smoother without people in real time who trigger these deep wounds constantly. It just seems and feels at times like working harder not smarterš¤·š½āāļø I donāt like that. I should feel loved without feeling like I am begging for it but without the proper tools for receiving what love truly can be, Iāll never know if it wasnāt given for me to receive or if my faulty wiring got so twisted up that I couldnāt feel it when it was right in my face. Iām redefining what love even means to me as I go... It isnāt black and white for sureā„ļø #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Truer shit was never spoken! Took me all these years and a lot of work to finally realize and understand the value of knowing this. You crave and chase the love you werenāt given but always wanted. You give love the way you were given love. You receive love thru distorted lenses-so you never FEEL loved. You attract what you mirror. If you never heal, you continuously attract partners incapable of giving you the only thing you are craving. And the cycle repeats. And repeats. Until you heal. You start dating someone, you may or may not joke about love languages in an innocent attempt to āget to knowā this person... Ya, this doesnāt work. Telling someone you are a words of affirmation person does absolutely nothing to give them the insight that you need what you lacked. Plus, affirming words only go so far if the actions donāt match. Most times the ones the best with words severely lack the follow up with actions. Theyāve just mastered the front end. Most times people themselves donāt even know what they ālackedā because they havenāt done the work to figure this out. People spend lifetimes trading in partners and truly do believe the ārightā partner is the one it will work with... They will only realize this gross misstep on repeat once they decide to do the trigger therapy. Once they connect the dots of Iām feeling this so that must mean Iām yearning for that. Once they do the work and go within. Iāve realized I give love the way I was given love. True statement here. Iām a hereās a material object that was expensive so everythingās ok now kinda person-or I realized I was this person and am now conscious of that. But Iām also the cheapest person ever! So not sure how deep that goes... And also resent that I was pretty much bought my entire life... Sad. This is even one step deeper than the whole raised on love vs raised on survival. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport
And if you truly feel you are clearly communicating and they still donāt understand or canāt comprehend... well what else can you really do? Iāve learned that sometimes no matter how CLEARLY you communicate, or how thorough your examples are... sometimes some people just donāt want to get you. Thereās I donāt get it because Iāve never experienced that myself and thereās I donāt get it because Iāve never experienced it myself, BUTTTT your example was logical and clearly explained enough to where if I were to put myself in those shoes-I can begin to understand... thereās a start. More often, they donāt want to put themselves in your shoes, for whatever reason-donāt care, donāt wanna deal, donāt wanna look within, donāt wanna face their own inner demons-to truly immerse in the reality that you may be trying to explain to them. They donāt really want you to answer whatās wrong or whatās on your mind-not if it gets deep, talks about adult things, requires any change/growth/maturing... nope. They may not always comprehend but they may also lack the willingness it takes to try to comprehend. Thereās a difference. A partnership needs willingness. Not understanding and Not comprehending are two very different things from Iām listening to respond and I have an unwillingness to truly put myself in your shoes so that I may better TRY to understand. I believe this unwillingness stems from an immature, defense, EGO place. Guess what, THAT person doesnāt agreeš„“š©š¤¦š½āāļøš go figure. And you just continue to travel inward. You continue to ignite your own way. And if you look around and find yourself on this journey alone, you were all you ever needed anyway...š¤ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I always tell my partner heās something else... Admirable... and not just because his eyes change colorš Heās got a super kind soul. His energy is beautiful. His presence brings peace and calmness to the room. Iāve been around a lot of people, many walks of life, various financial standing brackets... Iāve never ever met someone like him. Ever... 9 times out of 10 our differences cause grave indifferences-even arguments, but this is the one difference between us that Iāve always admired. I would imagine what my life wouldāve or couldāve looked like if I was a kinder person. More patient. Nice. Sweet. Not vulgar. More girlie. Softer. Maybe in another lifetime... So Iām sitting in my backyard for about an hour crying-about shit I shouldnāt even be crying about and a person I shouldnāt even be wasting time on-which turns to the feel sorry for myself tour- but you know sometimes when it rains it pours... He comes out to check on me and Iām just utterly amazed, truly, at how healing he is for me. Almost like having a service dog. Their energy, their kind souls, their sheer presence just calms everything... makes the pain stop for those few moments. Then he very calmly reminds me of stuff we learned in therapy about staying mad and how that still gives the other person power over your life.š¤Æ All things weāve learned and worked thru in therapy, yes... no matter how many āI forgive you forā letters Iāve written... no matter the years of tears... the resentment. And all this resentment bled onto my partner in the beginning big time. Iāve called him all the bad names and hit below the lowest belts when in crisis but the one thing Iāve never wavered from is that he is just amazing to me... guess thatās what makes the other struggles extra tough and the fact that Iām still bleeding out, clearly... Perceptionš¤ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
NOT! And he doesnāt give reassurance when I ask for it eitherš¤·š½āāļøš¤¦š½āāļø Let me just say that I donāt know if itās truly all the traumas fault but in general I find myself liking reassurance, especially from my partners, even more than Iāve learned to quietly give to myself... Throughout this journey, my partner and I have learned, come to realize and opened our eyes to the fact that we speak different love languages. And believe me, there are far more depths to ālove languagesā than the simple 5 surface ones that you so commonly read about. I was raised on survival-he was raised on love. Due to these differences, he gives and accepts love completely different than the way I do. In terms of healing, I have learned so much about rewiring and rewriting what my true definition of giving and receiving love is, now that I am working thru past trauma and old wounds. Even my revised definition isnāt a match for his idea. But I donāt want every relationship post of mine to sound like, āwell, why are you even with your partner?ā... Believe me, I check in with myself regularly to make sure despite the many challenges, that I do indeed still want to be here. At least right now anyway. Our story is not typical. We met one magical night... Stars in my eyes. At a time when I wasnāt even trying to meet anyone. And I fell hard. Like from the moment I saw him. BAM!š„ He recalls having met me before š¤·š½āāļø Anyway, 3 weeks into our amazing love connection-we were thrown into a lockdown situation. The situation being-Iām compromised so we either part ways here or we shack up. We shacked up. Oddly enough, you never imagine years of trauma over flowing when new love birds decide to move in abruptly due to a global pandemic... Long story short, this began my healing journey. The catalyst. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
This is how I feel whenever someone asks me how I feel... Even when itās someone close to me who knows and witnesses my struggles... I still find myself with this deer in headlights look whenever someone asks me how Iām doing? Or how Iām feeling? Itās like: ā¢like how am I doing in general? ā¢how am I feeling today? ā¢like physical or you wanna know mental struggles too? ā¢what part hurts different from yesterday? ā¢how was I feeling this morning? ā¢yesterday? ā¢you really wanna hear everything that hurts? ā¢my headache Iāve had for 3 days? ā¢you donāt wanna know the bathroom story from earlier today, do you? ā¢do you really care whether I could keep breakfast down? ā¢like Iām walking but you wanna know in what way it pains me today to have to walk? To move in general? To sit for too long? ā¢you wanna hear that my left leg has had pins and needles for the last 4 hours? ā¢that my right arm has been twitching for 2 days? ā¢that my sciatic is acting up so bad itās causing unbearable lower back and buttock uncomfortability? So I always just respond with āgoodā... My auto response is good with a smile on my face. Works like a charmš¬ My now 13 year old son has been responding to my texts with one word responses for years now. Heās taught me that. Pretty much just shuts down the āconversationā you intended to have...š Good can mean so much. The meaning will be left up to the receiver. Whatever feel good means is how Iām feeling, I guessš„“š¤·š½āāļøš© #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Iāve never been the type who needed any motivating. Iām a self motivator and I am always hungry. Well, at least I was before MS took over my life. Now I find myself struggling with energy at every moment and this makes it extremely hard to self motivate. I never relied on a partner for anything. And in my younger years, when a partner couldnāt produce what it is that I was needing, well... I just found a new partner. As Iāve gotten older, as itās gotten more challenging to meet quality partners at this stage in life, and as Iāve took the vow to look more within when things arenāt going my way, Iāve realized the things I need or want from a partner would be from any partner. Iām no longer in a phase of my life where I want or need surface things that hold no value. Everything that I want or need hold value for me. Someone to motivate me on the days I wanna give up and feel sorry for my unfortunate situation... This isnāt a luxury. This isnāt me asking for a dream vacation or a new purse or shoes. This is life. My life. My real life. And Iād imagine for any partner this would be obvious. When it wasnāt, I communicated that. Iāve always surrounded myself with very driven people. I donāt have live paycheck to paycheck kinda friends and thatās not the crowd we surround ourselves with. This motivates. My partner is a simple person. Probably too simple for the old me but the MS me, I thought we could make it work. Iāve slowed down and my life looks vastly different than it once had. Yet, I still struggle with the uber simplistic traits about him and find that it does the opposite of motivate me. Excuses donāt exist in the get it done type of mindset... Come hell or high water-doers typically just get shit done, no matter how stormy the path traveled. Heās ok with excuses. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I always find myself back here... Needing and wanting more from my partner. I thought communicating these things would aid in my struggle but unfortunately after years of communication and couples therapy-I still find myself here. In the beginning, whilst I communicated, my style of communicating didnāt seem to resonate with him. Every communication resulted in an argument and back then I didnāt have any hold on my anger so it just went all downhill from there. The last 6 months or so Iāve really been able to get my anger under control. I found other emotions to express myself. Lots of time alone really taught me the value of calmness and I no longer will allow myself to get into stressful situations where Iām left completely drained and depleted. I no longer engage in conversations that I see only ended up in a chaotic yelling match of who thinks they are more right. Sadly, even despite my many changes(and these changes were for ME and not him and not this relationship), I still find it difficult to get him to truly understand what it is that Iām needing to feel happy and fulfilled within the walls of our relationship. So much so that Iām constantly questioning if this is truly where I belong. If expressing basic human needs should be this much of an algorithm just to get some basic competency. This isnāt about give me more material things (although romance is another struggle that I deal with). This is common needs that anyone should value in any relationship. Itās ways to show someone you care about them. Itās choosing someone else over yourself at least some of the time. Itās maturing enough to realize the little boy ego who wants to be right or take a stand at the wrong times, is actually doing much more harm than good... for the life of the unity anywayš¤·š½āāļø #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
When I got diagnosed, I barely knew what MS was. I had heard of it. Wasnāt sure I could even spell it if I needed to and primarily thought that meant at some point you wouldnāt be able to walk. That pretty much sums up my knowledge prior to the deep dives I did once getting the news. I really didnāt realize the laundry list of ailments that could and would possibly affect your life living with MS. I never knew what true fatigue was until I experienced it myself. I know others probably feel the same way. Thatās why itās so infuriating to have to constantly explain to people what itās like having MS. And while you explain the daily struggles-they stare back at you in awe because āyou look good thoā. I spent a lifetime resenting looks. Probably because I knew early on that things on the outside are never what they seem. Now days, I have a new frustration with how I look. No one truly understand the depths of the chronic illness journey. āAt least youāre aliveā or āwell, you look greatā has become my most not favorite things to hear... Iām happy for the world that I donāt look as miserable on the outside as I am on the inside at times. Iām happy that the world feels as long as youāre not dead, then life must be bearable. Iām so happy the world could never imagine what itās like to have a normal life one day and overnight-your whole world turns upside down. They donāt see you become completely unrecognizable to yourself. To constantly have to pull yourself out of dark places. To resent life and those around you who you feel donāt appreciate theirs enough. Iām proud of myself that Iāve matured and grown enough to not respond to the world letting them know that on most days-I donāt even want to be alive. That itās a constant struggle to live such an immensely compromised life. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I can always count on cracking up when I watch Impractical Jokers š¤”šš¤£š@impracticaljokersofficial Other than this show, Iām not a big comedy genre person. Most times I donāt find anything that should be funny, funny... And yes, Iāve been that person who cracks up laughing completely out LOUD at the theaters for something totally inappropriate that no one else is laughing atš¤·š½āāļøš So overall, Iām just not a good comedy person lol. But I was angry. For years I was angry. Anger was the only emotion I knew. I would say I didnāt realize this but Iām sure people would question my sanity if I did. And when I first got diagnosed, I remember a family member sending me some article about how MS was theorized to be directly related to childhood trauma. At this time, I didnāt know anything about childhood trauma. I knew the obvious which was that I didnāt have a conventional childhood. This isnāt the reason I got into therapy but boy has this topic turned into the main event. I see articles more recently talking about EBV and how that research is uncovering some great things... I didnāt have mono. I no longer turn to anger as the only emotion I allow myself to feel. I get sad. I cry. I get hurt. I process. I witness. I use the tools Iāve been taught to feel whatever emotion it is that Iām feeling and then to move thru those feelings in a healthy way to release any bad feelings. Itās not easy. Itās uncomfortable. It can feel shameful. Sometimes itās like pulling teeth to formulate the words to calmly explain to someone the ways in which they hurt you (especially if they donāt realize they did this or if they are just blind to it all)... When someone repeatedly hurts you-whether knowingly or not-it starts to change you. Changes your perception about things, alters your perfect view of them, and makes you question your reality. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Couldnāt have said this better myself... I recently had a night out with friends. These are my great friends. Been friends for years. Some of them half my life. With lockdowns and covid life changes, we havenāt seen one another as much as we are used to... (we also conveniently live all within the same area so typically we see each other pretty often) So we had a night out. What your friends donāt see: ā¢the anxiety youāve had for days leading up to this day... will I be able to walk? Will I walk funny? Will I be able to walk unassisted? Will the walk be far? Will I be having a good day? Will my stomach be giving me issues? Will I need to stay near a restroom? Will i have brain fog? Will I be able to concentrate on conversations? š„“š© Will the shoes I need to wear match my outfit? Will I have enough energy to get dolled up and presentable for a night out? Will my energy crash while Iām out? You show up and have a great time anyway! You catch up on life. Hear about everyoneās kids and spouses. Elated for everyone and all of their exciting lives and travels and adventures. They tell you that you look great and everything seems great. What they donāt see about your life and what you typically donāt update friends on when you havenāt seen them in months and months: ā¢you spend more days doing self care than anything productive. You take 19 pills a day. You spend most days in bed. You rest more than you work. The emotional highs and lows. The bad days (because who leaves the house on bad days right?) that you never wear make up anymore because you donāt have the energy. That you feel like a pin cushion because you do so much bloodwork. What they see is someone who looks great on the outside but they could never imagine you have 4 MRIs coming up and 3 days of bloodwork, possible IV infusions and have become something out of a science lab. Thatās not who they see show up for dinnerš¤ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport
You ever felt like a complete stranger knew you? Like I feel this weird sense of shame whenever I read these posts... I love them-donāt get me wrong!!! But itās as if they know me... as if they are inside of my head... I look around shamefully as if someone is looking at me or looking over my shoulder snickering at what Iāve just read and judging me. Ya, this is the craziness that lives inside of my head. Anyway, I canāt even tell you how many hours Iāve dedicated to self-healing in the last few years-more then Iāve been able to dedicate to earning a paycheck Iāll tell ya that. And with every enlightening lightbulb that goes off in my head, I feel a sense of accomplishment that Iāve uncovered something that needs unpacking and Iām now one step closer to feeling my best. Feeling normal. Feeling happy. And I get excited and I do the work and now Im aware of what work I have to continue doing and Iām on a warm and fuzzies high for a few days... Then I wake up unhappy one day and most times out of nowhere and this cycle has been pretty consistent throughout this journey maybe even throughout my life. I didnāt do any inner work in my past. My highs came from material objects. I always wonder why I couldnāt have started the healing journey earlier in life... I guess I wouldnāt have had as much time to sit and reflect or ādo the workā as I do now that MS has stalled me in my tracks. I never did stop and smell the roses this much. Itās the craziest conundrum to have gotten an illness that slowed me to a halt-which resulted in me finally, willingly, and whole heartedly committing to self healing-which seems like more work and harder work than Iāve ever experienced in life at a time in my life where I have the least amount of energy. Seems kinda backwards... doing more work when energy is already a rare commodity?!?!š„“š„“ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
The same way I do so much more in my head than in reality... I get eagles and shit when I play my golf game. I also get perfect bowling games on the Wiišš¤£š #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
What are little things that cross your mind? Thoughts? Expressions? Nothing? And why are some of these thoughts dismissed so easily and others grabbed onto? Some you hit the replay button on? Ruminate. Like a bad rerun on TV but you are too lazy to change the channel. Why can some thoughts be innocent or laughed at but moved on from... and others magically and coincidentally play a role into the story you may already be struggling with in your head? The ongoing crazy that lives inside you and this thought just fit right in, almost as if it fit perfectly? As if someone read your mind. As if it belonged right there... This isnāt negative self talk. This isnāt about telling yourself āyou are lovedā repetitively until you feel lighter. This is trying to decipher the little coincidences, thoughts throughout your day, smells, songs, anything that reminds you of something-and trying to decipher what present tense things are applicable to the story in your head? This is about a coincidence that may occur thatās SO coincidental it seems as if itās a direct message for you. Someone trying to make you see something. A sign.... Whatās feeding the wrong beast? If the negative isnāt obvious, how will you truly know it was a negative thought until itās too late? How do you even know you fed the wrong beast? Past-tense... How do you ever truly get in front of something that will potentially negatively impact you when in the moment itās seemingly so innocent, so insignificant. Without the FBI dissection after the fact, you never really realize what it was that actually triggered you. How that small nothing played so negatively into a running story you may already be battling in your own head and how that seemingly small trigger morphs into way more than it had to. Triggers... #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Growing up I was always told I had a trucker mouth. I didnāt ever really know what that meant but as Iāve raised children, am in kid-friendly settings often and have begun the self-reflection journey, Iāve learned exactly what they meant. I use profanities a lot. I have zero filter. Iām raw and usually praised for being the mirror people donāt want to look into. What the world may not know about me is that behind closed doors, I absolutely go for the jugular. It isnāt just the profanities-Iām nasty. I hit you where it hurts and while you are bleeding out-I kick you some more and may even spit on you. I enter every verbal sparring match going for the absolute KO. Working on my anger issues has helped with this a lot. Seeing myself thru different lenses has made me vow to not be this person. I was disgusted by myself. Maybe this was the only experience that wouldāve ever made me want to change. Throughout this journey, I try to explain things to my partner as Iām going thru them. Sometimes I feel he listens, most times I feel he listens and just doesnāt get it. Doesnāt get me. More recently, I do try to give him the warnings. Iām in a funk. Iām not feeling great.... blah blah blah. Sometimes this ques him to be exactly what I need. Most times he rejects this and that ends up triggering old wounds of feeling unheard. I often ask myself if his misunderstanding or inability to truly comprehend what itās like on my side of the street is too much of a detriment to my journey? Many times I tell him heās immature. Doesnāt look at the bigger picture. Never operates from a place of TEAM. In addition to the lack of comprehension I feel on my end, thereās also a co-dependency issue that my partner is currently working thru on his journey. On his side of the street. Will we ever be on the same side of the street? #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Itās been about 10 days since I started LDN. The first few days were great (possibly just a placebo from the long awaited medication that Iād hoped would change my story) and then as the days went on, normalcy slowly came back around. Prior to starting this medicine, I would often think about how I didnāt even remember what it felt like to be the old me. Pre-diagnosis. Pre-life with MS. I didnāt remember what it felt like to be normal. Iād look at old photos and feel like I was looking at a stranger. Someone who could do so much more than me. Someone who didnāt spend every minute of their lives just trying to survive. Even if just for a moment it was so nice to feel energized. Full of life. Excited. The last few days Iāve found myself sluggish again. Taking naps. Staying in bed all day. Trying to hide from the fatigue that always seems to find me. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like I didnāt do enough. The only constant thatās remained since Iāve started is I donāt feel Iām in such a fog anymore. I donāt feel lost, confused, or anxious as much. Maybe nothing will truly put all the pieces back together as they once were but little wins will eventually turn into bigger ones and for now being able to think a little clearer since the fog has lifted... well, thatās gotta be enough for me. I was so focused on the LDN aiding with the debilitating fatigue that I constantly struggle with but any help in any area is the little win, right? And if ever I do too much-well that never ever turns out well anyway... #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Looking into childhood trauma isnāt as obvious as people would like to believe it is. I grew up in a nice house, pretty much got whatever material things I wanted, never had to worry about where our next meal would be coming from or anything like that. Others would describe my family as rich but I never looked at us that way... How could anyone come out of this arrangement with trauma? Well thatās precisely why it took me so many years to open up Pandoraās box. I first realized every emotion I felt came out as anger. I came to learn I was a pretty scary person and the biggest common denominator that I had to humbly swallow was that no matter who was around me, they always felt they were walking on eggshells. Basically scared of me. I re-evaluated myself and realized I would be scared of me too. I then learned how to actually feel other emotions besides anger. I then felt EVERYTHING. Every emotion aside from anger was so foreign to me and I found myself just crying a lot! For everything. Feeling every and all at once. I realized I spent a lifetime never truly feeling heard or seen. I existed and when it was convenient for someone to acknowledge me-they did. This snowballed into who I thought I had to be in order to feel heard. I live thru the repeat button. More and more I try to catch myself before the repeat button is ignited. I talk to my inner woundings and try to calm them before they take over. I eliminate as much negative self talk as I can. I soothe my inner child. The journey of self-healing and self-soothing truly feels like a full time job. I think back to being completely numb to all of this and do for a moment think this was a much easier existence. But I wasnāt always happy and I never felt fulfilled. Doing the work is hard. Holding yourself accountable is even harder...š¤ #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
MS does not define me! it is part of who I am, yes, but it is not all me. As someone who tries to look at the positive in situations, my diagnosis was no different. Now, I'll be real and say I spent many years with my head in the sand, not dealing with it, not talking about it, and not wanting to deal with the "what-ifs". But I realized that I am a freaking Unicorn! beliveing the best in people, that things will work out, and if they don't I will deal with it then! That outlook has really lead to me finding purpose and appreciation in a way I don't think I would have been able to without my diagnosis. My MS has helped me: š§” appreciate the little things in life š§” love my body and its imperfections becuase it fights for me every damn day! š§” remove toxic energy from my life - NO benefit! š§” make stronger connections and embrance my support system š§” live my best life! I try to keep that perspective in all that I do. It isn't always easy and there are still people and things in my life that keep me focused on protecting this perspective, but I really do believe my life is richer and my heart is more full because of my MS.š§” #chronicdisease #findacure #multiplesclerosissucks #msstrength #invisiblestrength #spoonie #letscurems #tecfidera #powerofpositivity #multiplesclerosissupport #invisiblemonster #msunicorns #msunicorn #mustendms #youractionsbecomeyourhabits #yourbeliefsbecomeyourthoughts #solumedral #yourhabitsbecomeyourvalues #fightingms #yourwordsbecomeyouractions #yourthoughtsbecomeyourwords #multiplesclerosisfoundation #thinkpositive #mssymptoms #multiplesclerosisresearch #multiplesclerosisfighther #icandothis #autoimmune #nodaysoff #ihatems
The cycle is sooo viciousš¤¦š½āāļøš©š„“ Stress makes the MS worse but having MS gives me stress... Itās like when you know you have to go to bed early and wake up early... Thatās the night that you end up having the hardest time falling asleep. Those mornings that you feel more tired than ever! Ya, the complete opposite of how you planned for that in your head. I feel this way about MS every single day. The days I need to be the most clear minded-I find myself drowning in brain fog. The nights I plan to get into bed early, here comes insomnia keeping me up all night or my bladder calling... I never knew how much stress I encountered throughout my days until stress became my enemy. Even the littlest things that I once wouldnāt have even noticed as a stressor, now can put me out completely. ā¢Plans changing? ā¢Having to leave the house when I didnāt plan to. Anything that I didnāt mentally prepared for, now sends me into a tailspin of stress. This wasnāt always me. Anxiety didnāt run my life until energy became my currency. Anxiety didnāt exist in my life until MS showed up. In order for me to minimize my stress levels-I now plan everything out and write everything down... But life doesnāt always go as planned and stress cannot always be avoided. I intricately plan out my daily life and even budget for stressors along the way but even this theory gets blown up quite often. Plan B is always to ājust stay homeā but even that gets old and I find myself resentful of the 4 walls Iāve gotten so used to staring at... like a jail cell. Iāve come to think of MS like a bird with broken wings. While the bird may spend years thinking of all the great adventures they would experience if only the cage door would open... once it does open-the bird quickly realizes with broken wings-the cage door never mattered anyway... #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
That is when it would mean the most... Sometimes I wake up and Iām already drowning. I feel like Iām constantly doing work. Constantly in my own head āchecking inā with myself. Listening to videos. Doing meditations. Reading things. Checking in with the therapist. As triggers come up (and oddly enough similarly to MS), these triggers can come in waves, they can come all at once, they can come but be manageable, or they can come in like a fricken tsunami following an already devastating hurricane... Thatās where I feel like I found myself today. Drowning in the rubble of the storm now that itās passed. Realizing Iāve spent the last few weeks exhausting myself trying to make a point that I thought was really important. In that time, I caused/contributed to feeding the wrong evil and once again failing to see that it was within that was needing the feeding. Why can I see/feel/recognize some triggers but the ones that seem to secretly seep in end up being the worst... Why do I spend so much time tending/massaging/nurturing my inner child on a daily basis but when sheās screaming for me, Iām completely blind to it? Itās the devastation caused in the between time. The between time of trigger activated-responding from a triggered place (while sincerely feeling you are using the tools from the tool bag ie:communicating, remaining calm, taking breaks, listening to feedback, remaining reasonable), and then waking up in total devastation. Itās like a light switch goes off and suddenly the rose colored BLINDERS fall off and you see that all along the only tool you shouldāve been using was the one that focuses within and feeds the inner wounds that are bleeding out. I say things I donāt mean. I pay for it after. I feel immense pain which leads to rage. But when the rage stops... regret remains #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
For me, itās the fatigue... Yes I have the walking issues and even need assistance at times. Yes I have the pain and the itches and the tingling and the headaches and the brain fog and the sensory overload and the stomach issues but I manage to push thru. Pushing thru it all, waking up tired everyday, still trying to get done what I need to do everyday thru the pain and uncomfortability and whatever ailment is following me around on that day and consciously deciding to be happy and remain positive despite the status quo. Yes, I manage by spending most of my life puffing away, but I manage. Then thereās the fatigue aspect. The fatigue is my Kryptonite. The fatigue is the weakening, depriving and harmful poison that seeps in and strips away all of my superpowers. Leaving me empty, completely depleted and constantly running on E. Dear healthy people, who have no idea what itās like to fight the constant fight of chronic fatigue. I know I appear to look normal to you, but believe that in your 30s no one wants to spend majority of their lives in bed. No matter how you may want to validate this or how much of a vacay you turn it into in your head-trust me, itās not fun-it gets lonely-it gets depressing. And by the way, the way I look holds zero value for anything. Iām sorry I donāt look the way I feel. Iām sorry I donāt look like I was ready to have my life slow down almost to a complete halt. Iām sorry I donāt look as miserable as I am at times. Iām sorry I make a difficult thing look good. So good that itās incomprehensible for you to imagine that I spend most of my life hating life. Resenting that I donāt feel I lived enough, regretting that I didnāt do more. Fearful that I donāt do enough. I didnāt realize there was a way āto lookā like life is tough. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I think grief is a tricky thing. Itās a concept that has many moving parts but also able to be compartmentalized. When I was initially diagnosed, the grieving of my former self came almost instantly as in, āmy life wonāt be the same anymoreā... kinda compartmentalized that and went on. Moving forward, and years in, that same grief will pop up pretty often but packaged differently each time. Working as reminders that things have changed, constant reminders that you are no longer capable of what you once were. Eventually, things start popping up constantly reminding you of just how different life is/will truly be. So the compartmentalizing of the concept as a whole didnāt work. It bled out. It bleeds out as little reminders all along the journey. Itās finding a nice outfit then remembering you can only wear flats which will dumb down said outfit dramatically. Itās bomb concert tickets that you didnāt buy but you end up having to decline because of the walking required to the stadium, inside the venue and to the seats while keeping in mind-you need to do all this walking upon exiting as well... Its the weekend and you can finally enjoy yourself and the kids donāt have school, but you are actually stuck in bed that day. Itās constant little grief moments that follow you around as constant little reminders that you are living with chronic illness. It gets heavy. Itās feeling so high at moments, like the one day that you actually feel great and in your head you wanna enjoy every single ounce of it to the fullest but you blink and itās gone-like a balloon floating around only to be popped at the next instance. And when you hit the ground, realizing that your grief isnāt for a moment-itās for a lifetime. Sometimes the worst thing to hear is that at least your sickness doesnāt kill you. Didnāt it tho? #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Thereās also a huge difference between fighting FOR love and fighting TO BE loved. I think these common misconceptions stem from the idea that ālove takes work, relationships take workā, I hear people say these things all to often. So when thereās work, they automatically get to working... š„“š¤ I donāt know how often they actually step back and ask themselves in what context are they āfightingā exactly? Like what type of work is your relationship requiring of you? Are you fighting together against everything for your love as a team? Or are you constantly fighting to be loved by the other person? Are you fighting with each other as a unit against some outside source or issue or are you just fighting against each other? Iāve been in a situation where I constantly felt I was fighting for basic minimal things. Fighting to be heard, fighting to feel seen, fighting to feel valued, fighting to feel appreciated, fighting to have my feelings acknowledged, fighting to feel loved and wanted... This is NOT the type of fighting or WORK that I wanted to engage in and not the type of fighting or work anyone should want. This type of fighting is senseless. Itās demeaning and damaging. Itās exhausting. It creates the birth of many more things that will eventually become more WORK as well... resentment, built up anger, hurt, betrayal, disappointment... WORK on yourselves, WORK on evolving, WORK on being healthy and WORK through everything as a team. This is the only type of work that should come to mind when thinking of how ārelationships take workā. It becomes far too heavy a burden to carry when all the work you do is fighting one another in an attempt to feel something. I believe love should be a beautiful thing, any work involved should only be in the context of nurturing this ā„ļø #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
āIn my headā is a phrase Iāve gotten real buddy buddy with... At times, like today, I try to create some space between me and my best buddy. Iāve gotten used to the reality of my life VS the life in my head. Like in my head I want to do this, this, this, and this today... Iāve gotten used to praising myself for what I can get done and moving everything that didnāt get done today, on to tomorrow list. This concept bothered me. It took me a long time to accept this. Accept that it is beyond my control that I no longer can get entire to-do lists done on the day I may set out to complete. I felt like a failure. I felt like a stranger to my own self because I was so used to being a person who accomplished everything and more. In my head, I thought I could still remain this person, at least in some ways. Iāve been typically working from home. I worked from home primarily before the lockdown but after, I cringe at having to leave the house for work stuff so that handicapped my situation even more. Anyway, I was only out of the house for about 4 hours today. Legit like half a normal persons work day. I could barely stay seated in the meeting I was in. Felt uber fidgety, started feeling like my eyes were so heavy they couldnāt stay open, felt myself spacing out... Then on the drive home, sensitivity to light was on 100 especially with the sun blazing right into my eyes, even with sunglasses on, eyes watering and still feeling heavy... All I kept thinking was how miserable it is that I keep proving to myself that in my head, I can do a lot more than in reality. Maybe sometimes I get caught up in the posts that claim you can live a relatively NORMAL life with MS. I start believing that story and even attempt to run with it. Then I realize everyoneās normal will be different, therefore, everyoneās remain relatively normal is actually only a relative statement to how you lived prior. #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #invisiblemonster #msproblems #mslife
Back in October/November-I spent 6 weeks primarily alone and focusing solely on āself-loveā. #selflove I cried more in those 6 weeks than I feel Iāve cried in my entire life. I sat and talked with myself, i talked to the heavens, I listened to YouTube meditation videos for hours daily-religiously, I charged up most of the days, I slept early and woke early. I showed up for myself and by myself. I listened to myself. I responded to myself. I empathized with myself. First time in my life I set the intention to be my own hero. To fill the void of loneliness with myself. To talk thru healing some of the brokenness I was feeling in those moments. I reminded myself that filling that void with instant gratification would only prolong the process of reaching my higher self-my highest self. And so I committed and I executed and I came out on the other side. I was safe. And I found safety thru no other person but myself.š¤ And I stopped wondering why I never feel I get the love back that I give... But realized I wouldāve spent a lifetime giving it away because it was only myself I had to give it to all along. @theangrytherapist @the.holistic.psychologist @selfcarexpress #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
A response. Clarity. Understanding. Comprehension. Iāve found myself begging for these things more than I shouldāve been. Co-dependency is something that can completely go unnoticed. Sometimes its blatant to everyone around you in the actions you do. Other times, no one may even notice except you, that you are consistently allowing needs to go unmet just to keep the peace, to not rock the boat, or to not appear āconfrontationalā/needy/insecure/nagging. Imagine for years, youāve tried your best to communicate it out what you may be feeling, how those feelings affect you, what triggers those feelings ignite... and yet you still feel unheard, unseen, misunderstood. Lost. Lost is what you begin to feel. Confused. Frustrated. Hopeless. And you question everything. The deep ravine of challenges that we navigate on a daily basis when living with chronic illness poses enough stress, more than a person should carry... There is very little room for senseless energy depleting emotion stealing relations. Period. Yes, love takes work. But it would be a fool to work harder and not smarter. And the fool who sees that you can reach the destination without all the roadblocks who chooses to take the path with all the roadblocks must travel alone. (Which ultimately leaves both fools traveling aloneš) @the.holistic.psychologist @theangrytherapist #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Thanks to 90 day fianceĢ the other way, I found myself hooked to these damn reality shows and other like showsšš¤« Anyway, from there I went on to watch some of the other shows that are currently on TV. Well I did find myself lost since I hadnāt been watching all along so the characters and their back stories, I wasnāt aware of. Anyway, so I believe we are 2 seasons in to Darcey & Stacey. This prompted me to watch the actual backstory of Darcey and how she came to be the present day version... First of all, she is pretty unrecognizable as far as appearance. Do guys really like this shit? Do parents really want children that are unrecognizable to them? Anyway, letās not get into my personal opinion of over usage of plastic surgeons and procedures... So Iām like 6 episodes in to season 1 and have pretty much witnessed the entire coming together, dramatic soap opera, and demise of Darcey and Jesse š³š³š³ Sometimes the timing of life can be strange. Years ago, had I found this show, Iām sure I still wouldāve found it completely entertaining and binge worthy but I donāt think I would cringe as much as I do at this point in my life. I watch the toxic behaviors, toxic responses, toxic environments and see how broken people validate that as love, minimize it as cultural or personality differences that can be worked thru, and truly believe that holding onto toxic situations means āprovingā your love for someone... itās a mad mad world and I understand her madness... thatās the crazier part. I can feel what sheās feeling and can even recollect behaving in similar ways in my past. All I can do is shake my head but thankfully I was able to begin the necessary steps to step out of this fog. You keep attracting the same demon in different clothes until you heal your own trauma... #priceless #wordsofwisdom @90dayfiance @90daycircus @90day_savage @tlc #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #msawareness #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport
Fitness has become my passion as well... But only as of recent years.šŖ I remember at one point in life wondering if my tear ducts even worked-think it was somewhere in my early-mid 20s I believe and I remember having a series of funerals to attend for whatever unfortunate reason and after and while attending these functions realizing that there are only a handful of people who sit in funerals and shed no emotions... I am/was one of those people. I was so numb inside from a lifetime of existing in survival mode (not even realizing this was a thing back then...). Always wondered why I never really felt any of the good emotions I would witness others get to enjoy (I also wasnāt one of those people calling friends crying over break ups either) and now realizing in order to enjoy the good feelings, the harsh reality is that you will feel NOT good feelings as well. The armor has lifted to let the good in and the unfortunate downside to that is that you also have removed the shield that once protected you from hurt/pain/disappointment/fear/rejection/insecurity/failure and all those other yucky feelings that no one wants to feel. I even at times feel Iām feeling EVERYTHING and many times all at once from a lifetime of not feeling anything. I believe I will likely have to work thru areas of my childhood trauma for a lifetime. I believe I will have to speak love to my inner child for the rest of my life. But I have also never felt more at peace than I do, on this journey back to myself ā„ļø @the.holistic.psychologist @twinflamehealers @selfcarexpress @theangrytherapist #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
The AVOIDANT would never agree with this statement... The ānon-communicatorā truly doesnāt seem to see that no response IS a response. And that not knowing how to communicate what you are feeling thus resulting in āshutting downā or avoiding tough conversations is actually a huge contributing factor to why things can and usually do get worse before they get better. Obviously, Iām the common denominator in my failed relationships but Iām also a great communicator. Maybe I even communicate to a fault since I do treat life as the courtroom lawyer I never got to be when I grew up. Itās frustrating dealing with someone who shuts down or doesnāt know how to communicate because they correlate communication or responding in difficult situations with conflict... So they avoid altogether. Itās infuriating to express this to someone and they say they understand but then feel like communicating on their part-is literally words coming out of their mouth. Like saying you have nothing to say isnāt an appropriate response. Saying you have no input or desire to find resolution is definitely NOT a form of communicating. Basically, what youāve just ācommunicatedā to me is that you donāt care about anything. Youāve just shared words so useless for me that it doesnāt even really differentiate from just the normal not saying anything at all. Comprehension is also half the battle. What good does it do when one communicates well but someone who doesnāt comprehend is blankly staring back at you? My toxic trait is that I attract emotionally unavailable partners. Without the emotional availability, the communication lacks because there is no communication or the version of communication is flawed, the partner is unable to step off of the superficial surface and feel actual emotions=proper responses.š @the.holistic.psychologist #myMSduplife #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
March was a tough month last year. It was the boiling over of so many things and all at once. March was tragic for me... Traditionally March is usually one of the better months for me... my birthday š, weather starts getting better, my birthday š, spring break-kids are home, my birthdayš, taxes are done... so normally March is pretty good. 2021 had a different approach and clearly has forever tainted the normally excited-for-March-me. And now with March right around the corner, I find myself in a funk. Anxious but not in a good way, excited but not in a normally excited happy way-moreso an excited to get it over with and know I made it thru kinda way, and eerie similarities to last year aināt helping either and all the while Iām just tryna remain good vibes only (like the sticker right š„“) and because my health/energy/body/sanity cannot handle stress... I really donāt know what or how I should be preparing/anticipating/welcoming/processing what Iām feeling. Last March I found myself in a mounting of emotions... emotions that turned ugly really quick and now I donāt know how to get past some of the residual damage, some of the distrust that came of this, the resentment that goes away but only temporarily apparently, the disappointment, the hurt. I donāt know how to not semi re-live 2021 March in my mind. I realize itās my own childhood issues that were majorly triggered last year thru the chaos but some would wonder why someone would put themselves in positions to be potentially triggered? And without knowing what will trigger what, how does one truly avoid being in said situation? No one ever imagines not being celebrated... And no one imagines inviting covid to the party... #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
I struggle A LOT with being the breadwinner in my household. I struggle with the fact that this is a struggle for me...šŖ I often ask myself if this is due to my MS and if the fact that I may have to stop working at any given time without notice is what truly plagues me... Some days I feel this is the reason and my worry for who will pick up the slack is valid, other days I feel the reason this sentiment bothers me so much is because it tips the scales of traditional gender roles-it clouds the romanticized view of a man being the man, being the strength, being the pillar of the familial unit. Believe me, I didnāt have a traditional childhood at all. And as of recent years since beginning my healing journey, Iāve realized I have a ton of childhood trauma to work thru and I do recognize that my issues with carrying more of the load trigger a part of me that felt under appreciated/used/convenient/ignored/unwanted as a child. But even despite my unconventional and mostly toxic childhood, I still imagined in my head growing up and having a significant other ātake care of meā. I realize now with having MS, any partner I do have will indefinitely ātake careā of me to some degree. Some days that may look like grabbing something from downstairs if Iām having a bad leg day or cooking dinner when Iām too exhausted. But big picture, I always saw the the man carrying more of the financial load than the woman... Maybe Iām just foolish?!? Maybe thatās a thing of the past-like dinosaurs that once walked the earth... Maybe if Iād never gotten MS this wouldāve never even become a thought?!? Who knows... Its royally gut wrenching for me to have to listen to GFs talk about being stay at home wives or stay at home moms. Triggers all those awesome feelings of why doesnāt someone take care of ME? #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
Everynight I get out of bed to pee at least 2-3 times... May seem funny but Iām a super light sleeper and it takes me forever to fall asleep-so it actually super sucks to have to get out of bed multiple times a night and isnāt funny at all. Sometimes I joke around and say Iām just gonna lay out one of my dogs puppy pads.... Iāve always heard UTIs are really common for MS patients. I donāt normally like holding my pee but I especially donāt wanna do it if we are already more prone than the average person to get things like UTIs... The struggle is so realš¤¬š Plus, itās winter and like 40 degrees when I do have to go pee at like 243am so the toilet seat alone is freezing and torturous to have to sit onš£š©š I can be half dead walking to the bathroom in the pitch ass dark but IāM UPš³ the second my cheeks hit that toilet seat...š²š„“ #msproblems #winterweather #multiplesclerosis #mswarrior #ms #tiredofbeingtired #mssucks #msfighter #tecfidera #multiplesclerosisfacts #msstrongš #chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #solumedrol #ivinfusions #msstrong #findacure #msawareness #wehavems #mustendms #mswarriors #msstrength #chronicdisease #invisiblemonster #invisiblestrength #msproblems #mslife #thisisms #mssupport #letscurems
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