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we’ve been home for a week now and i am still daydreaming of relaxation, regulated nervous systems, and sisterhood of the place we not only found connection within each other, but back to ourselves as well of the home that quickly felt like our own with its cozy beds, warm showers and the sound of the waves close by of the kitchen that gifted belly’s that haven’t felt satisfied in years, the opportunity to feel full once again where the laughter was welcomed and the tears were as well, as we all found pieces of ourselves in one another there is something so sacred that occurs when you step into a space filled with women who know exactly what you’re going through, without having to say a word… especially when that space feels safe, clean, and just like home i am beyond grateful the opportunity we all had to step into @bellacoastalrentals and experience the magic that was found on their beautiful spacious deck that allowed us move through yoga asana every morning healing was found as we shared stories of our late husbands as we floated in their heated private pool and the way that this place eased all our worries the instant we stepped inside, allowing us the chance to finally feel like ourselves for the first time in a long time, is almost indescribable this is exactly what we all needed as we work to cultivate that relationship back to self as we explore the re-birth that is grief i can’t recommend this place enough for your next family vacation, business retreat or a simple getaway with your widow sisters - you won’t regret it 🤍 use code JULIA10 to save at the link in bio

Podcast!!! "If you are feeling grief in your new motherhood journey, feelings of depression, anxiety or worry…you are not alone! Share those feelings with someone who feels safe to you. You will find as you learn more, becom more educated and find resources that there are many women going through and overcoming what you are experiencing. Join my conversation with Dr. Olivia Wedel to learn more about this topic. Find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and momandmind.com" Seen at @momandmind . . . #mumsmatterpsychology #mumsmatter #perinatalmentalhealth #maternalmentalhealth #mentalhealth #grief #griefinmotherhood #mothering #newparent #momandmind #maternalmentalhealth #perinatalmentalhealth #overhwelmed #newmom #newmommy #mommyhood

💐Remembering and Celebrating all May babies today and always. For all babies born, loved, and lost in May, please feel free to comment or private message their name, initials, significant dates, or drop a comment or emoji for your baby.🤍 #rememberingmaybabies #celebratingmaybabies #bereavement #specialdates #significantdates #griefinmotherhood #griefinparenthood #inclusiveparenting #Maybabies #taurusbabies #geminibabies #loss

If you are feeling grief in your new motherhood journey, feelings of depression, anxiety or worry…you are not alone! Share those feelings with someone who feels safe to you. You will find as you learn more, becom more educated and find resources that there are many women going through and overcoming what you are experiencing. Join my conversation with Dr. Olivia Wedel to learn more about this topic. Find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and momandmind.com or LINK IN BIO. #grief #griefinmotherhood #mothering #newparent #momandmind #maternalmentalhealth #perinatalmentalhealth #overhwelmed #newmom #newmommy #mommyhood

Many times in these types of examples, people’s feelings get minimized. A common phrase used is “you should be happy you have a healthy child”. This makes it difficult for a new mother to open up about their feelings and thoughts, and can affect relationships. Find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and momandmind.com or LINK IN BIO. #grief #griefinmotherhood #mothering #newparent #momandmind #maternalmentalhealth #perinatalmentalhealth #overhwelmed #newmom #newmommy #mommyhood

What is Disenfranchised Grief? Disenfranchised grief is when your grieving doesn't fit in with your larger society's attitude about dealing with death and loss. The lack of support you get during your grieving process can prolong emotional pain. Source: WebMD Dr. Olivia @oliviawedelcounseling shares her experience with disenfranchised grief, how she sees this show up for her clients and how she is helping them through the grief. Join us to learn more. Find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and momandmind.com or LINK IN BIO. #grief #griefinmotherhood #mothering #newparent #momandmind #maternalmentalhealth #perinatalmentalhealth #overhwelmed #newmom #newmommy #mommyhood

In this week’s episode I have a discussing with Dr. Olivia @oliviawedelcounseling about grief in motherhood and how it might show up. Join us for this insightful conversation and share this episode with your friends! Find us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify and momandmind.com or LINK IN BIO. #grief #griefinmotherhood #mothering #newparent #momandmind #maternalmentalhealth #perinatalmentalhealth #overhwelmed #newmom #newmommy #mommyhood

💗𝑩𝒂𝒓𝒆𝑯𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑴𝒂𝒎𝒂💗 A BareHeart Mama embodies the raw beauty of vulnerability in motherhood. She fearlessly shares her journey, expressing the depths of her emotions and the challenges she faces, especially in the wake of losing a child. Her openness and honesty, reflected in the term ‘bareheart,’ inspire courage and authenticity in confronting grief and navigating through profound pain in a community of support with our beautiful Anita. Through her words and actions, she reminds us of the strength found in embracing our vulnerabilities and facing our struggles with unwavering honesty. Love, 𝑨𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒂 #babylosssupport #vulnerability #griefinmotherhood #brokenheart #courage #honestmotherhood #griefsupport

I, thank you. Grieving was raw Thoughts disarrayed Broken hopes and dreams Lost in abyss Listening heart Quiet presence near You extended a hand Reassured words Kindhearted gesture Thank you. #grievingmom #supportformoms #supportingfriends #pregnancylossgrief #pregnancyloss #griefinmotherhood #hopeafterloss #miscarriagesupport #lossmoms #themotherlyheap

✨ NEW EPISODE ✨ . . TW: Death/ Grief/ Loss . . While many people are familiar with birth doulas, few people have heard of a mourning doula: a holistically trained professional who offers support and focuses on the opportunity and life-affirming power of grief. In this episode we have a conversation with our very first guest on the pod, Jokotifa Alaye, owner of @mourningspace, and talk grieving alongside parenting…both with actual deaths and also the concept of having “funerals” for pieces of yourself that you may need to let go of 🤍 It’s a wonderfully enlightening conversation full of truthful moments, vulnerability and perspective shifts. We hope you’ll enjoy it as much as we did!!! Out now wherever you get your podcasts + YouTube for those who prefer a visual show ▶️ . . . #MomversationClub #momversation #momlife #mom #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodunfiltered #mum #mumlife #toddlermom #autismmom #adhdmom #momofteens #mumofteens #momblog #mompod #mompodcast #momtruth #mother #momfriends #momssupportingmoms #momsquad #momcast #motherhoodconfessions #grief #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #grieving #mourningspace

🎧 EPISODE 13 - Grief and Parenthood with Donna Ford 🎧 This week I’m sharing a wonderful conversation from my Instagram live archives with @donnafordography about the impact that grief has had on her experience of life and parenthood.  Donna is a Mum of two boys and a talented personal branding and event photographer (she’s taken all my brand pics! ❤️) Donna sadly lost her father at the age of 16, and in more recent years has used her creativity and inclination for deep thinking to explore her relationship with grief in more detail. It was so interesting to explore this (often unspoken) topic with Donna, where we discussed… ✨ The power behind vocalising and sharing our grief as a way of processing our own emotions, and connecting with others ✨ Donna shares how her grief journey is proving to be a life-long, constantly evolving experience that has naturally woven its way into her parenthood story ✨ And we reflected on the grief so many of us may experience BEYOND losing a loved one, especially as Mothers 🎧➡️👂🏻 Click the link in my bio @theparenthoodcoach to get this episode into your ears today! And follow and subscribe to the show on your fave podcast platform so you never miss an episode! 🙏🏼 #doyourthingpodcast #doyourthing #ruleyourlifewhileraisingkids #podcastformums #lifecoachformums #honestmotherhood #feelgoodmotherhood #parenthoodunplugged #podcastersofinstagram #griefjourney #maternalgrief #lifeafterloss #griefinmotherhood #griefstories

i have a deep wound that revolves around being misunderstood it’s something that’s been activated so often in my grief inflicting unnecessary pain and questioning… especially as i wade through the loss of my husband which carries such heavy stigma and misunderstanding as well so to help unravel the perceptions that many may have over the way my person died i choose to share really hard truths to open up and share my experience with my grief and the complicated layers that accompany it so that others who may feel as misunderstood as i do know that they have at least one human who sees them clearly and honors their grief, pain, and story in its entirety as her experience mirrors so much of their own friend… if any of what i’ve shared above resonates you please know you are not alone your grief is just as valid as anyone else’s no matter how your person died you are so seen here i’d love for you to tell me something you miss the most about your person here 👇🏼 PS: there are only 5 spots left for the winter cohort of Surviving Stigma, my 12 week live grief support group for stigmatized loss. i’d love for you to join us, and as my friend Michelle said yesterday… “what do you have to lose?” DM the word WINTER to secure your spot today at a highly discounted rate 🤍 you belong here

i never thought i would lose my husband to the painful things he navigated during his 32 years of life earth-side… i desperately clung to the hope that he’d recover that we both would finding myself daydreaming often of an “easier” life but on September 1st of 2021 that all came crashing down when we lost him suddenly to an accidental overdose after years of recovery navigating the first few months were eye opening life changing often times i found myself misunderstood quiet in my ache due to circumstance of his death but one day six months in i decided i couldn’t continue on doing this alone that i need either other hearts that related deeply so i began to share to educate to find my people to give my story + pain the chance to be witnessed to honor my husband life in a way that was filled with truth, integrity and vulnerability if you’re looking for a space to be held, seen and understood as you navigate the same i’ve put my heart into curating a space like this for us all 🌙 a space where 36 women came last year to tend to their hearts and share their stories bravely in order to find connection, healing and safety DM me SURVIVING to learn more 🤍 what has been your experiencing navigating stigmatized loss? or supporting someone as they walk through it all? tell me about it👇🏼 also… if you feel called.. please share this post to spread awareness on what so many of us are navigating, often times silently and alone, so that it can reach the heart who may need it today 💛

Surviving Stigma is officially open for enrollment ✨ in this live, an alumni from the first cohort @loralewbabb and i chat all about what surviving stigma is, the impact it has had on her and a lot of my “why” behind what the program is and how it came to life we talk about how different + supportive this space is for those of us who are navigating loss with stigma attached to it we talk about the importance of the body/soul work we do in each session with meditation + somatics we talk about what a gift it is to me to watch these women shift and expand over 12 weeks together a few tears were shed + some laughter was shared too! also… i share about how there is a very special ✨time sensitive offer ✨ that is running until Friday 👀 two spots have already filled + i am really looking forward to serving all of you who join me in the forth cohort of Surviving Stigma… we start February 6th!

Hi friends!! 🤍✨ I wish, more than anything that baby loss never happened. It's not fair. In memory of our sweet girl Lainey, we want to help other families who have lost their baby. I want Lainey's name to live on and spread love and light through this grief journey. If you know someone, please DM me or tag them on this post. #grievewithhope #griefinmotherhood #GriefAndHealing #griefsupport #griefjourney #MotherhoodAfterLoss #babylosssupport #babylossawareness #LoveforLainey

• 28 months • january 1 2024 a new year another one without you i knew when you died on the 1st that the promise of a new month a new year would always be steeped in duality in a bittersweet mixture of having one foot in the next while the other is still sunk deep into the last the time being the only consistent i can rely on through this life altering loss that projected me in a direction i truly believe now was somehow planned out for me i’ve found depths of spirituality of faith of ache of renewal that is so deeply personal to me and i know you’ve been there every step of the way holding my trembling hands gently placing your hand on my lower back pushing me forward as i lean even further into you into your energy your breath your unique presence that only i can know 2023 took me to a place i’d never know i’d go it showed me the ugly yet imperative faces of deep grief of jealously of anger + bitterness that ran so deep i felt as if no one could understand yet i know you did so you colored my world with joy with healing with connection with an inner strength that i didn’t know was possible that led me to hundreds of humans who share their broken hearts with me who love our love who honor our story with knowing and respect but damn do i miss you and wish you could really be here with me with the three that was left behind i know you witness the love that’s still here in our home every day filled with laughter from tiny mouths that are a beautiful extraordinary mix of both you and i stay even closer in 2024, okay? one day closer i am so excited to hold your hand again

as a widow there are some dates that arrive on the calendar that only mean something to you and the person who’s missing silent anniversaries that most wouldn’t even know as it’s just another day of the week for them today is one of those days for me the day my life changed in the best way when my best friend asked me to be his forever there’s pieces of that moment that i’ve forgotten i’m not sure he’d even remember exactly what he said but what i do remember is the way he smiled and how quickly i said “YES!” i remember the way he was in the bathroom forever nervously texting his friends working up the courage to ask i remember that tiny pre-lit tree from walmart that he left undecorated so we could do it together i remember how much detail he put into making the day special as he always knew how much i loved christmas eve i remember mistletoe hanging from the doorframe that led to his bedroom and the thousands of kisses we shared under it that night i remember feeling like the luckiest girl in the world how all the heartache i’d experienced up to that point erased in an instant i remember how late we stayed up laughing until we cried and how proud he was of the ring he chose there’s another heartbreaking piece to these dates that only us widows understand the way our person may have said the words “i want to spend the rest of my life with you” there’s honor and ache in knowing they got their wish and for me i’d forever say yes knowing that things would turn out this way thanks for loving me the way you did, bb and for leaving me here with two of the greatest gifts who are the perfect reflections of what we still continue to share missing you a little extra today 💔 these pics are some of my favorites from those slow 4 days we spent together 9 years ago in that tiny garage apartment in the houston heights … as well as one from today i took right before i slipped my ring back on, like ive done the last two christmas eves as well ❤️

• 27 months • today, as i was running the boys from place to place trying to distract myself from the date, i realized that 27 months was the same amount of time that passed from when we first became a couple until we were married i hate that you’ve been gone that same amount of time it seems like a cruel joke as if someone has stomped on my heart especially as we head into one of the toughest months we have to walk through without you can you believe noah turns 8 in a week? how is that even possible? god, doug… he’s so just so good i know you’re so proud i also know you hate that your death has forever changed him but i promise you it’s softened him more than it’s hardened i just wish you could still sit in the drivers seat and look over at me and smile as he talks away sharing in the silent knowing that we would never get tired of his relentless chatter today i took the boys to see santa he remembers their names year after year how could he ever forget the boy who asked if dad could come home for christmas that first one you were gone? as that man wrapped me in a hug and asked “how’s mom?” i couldn’t even find it in my heart to answer so i shrugged and he said “i understand” tonight at dinner with friends walker said “i wish dad was here too” which everyone who heard said “me too” we’ve got great people loving on us and even tho you never met them they miss you too i wish we could go back to this picture to that christmas nine years ago in that tiny garage apartment in the houston heights my legs draped over yours on that corduroy- textured couch as we both admired the ring you had just placed on my finger the way it twinkled in the soft light coming off the tree i had never been more at peace we were so madly in love most thought we were crazy but what we shared is something that i know was a once in a lifetime kind of thing and i’d say yes time and time again every lifetime with you damnit do i miss you babe please stay close over the next 30 days, ok? i really need you right now ❤️

Acceptance is powerful. I’ve been overwhelmed a lot lately and I am working hard at not diving headfirst into a shame spiral. That means I have to make space for grief. I grieve what I thought I would be able to do and be. When I let the grief it, eventually it gets lighter. It’s most certainly more productive than shame. Highly recommend. #griefinmotherhood #momsgetit #momtruth #momburnout #overwhelmedmom #momsofig #mommingishard

As I'm pushing through the pain and grief, I've decided what's next for me in this journey.... I am thrilled to announce my new podcast that's coming your way soon! Introducing: ✨"Embrace Grace: Navigating Grief in Motherhood" ✨ Join me as I delve into the profound journey of motherhood after experiencing loss. Stay tuned for insightful episodes that will help us heal together 🤍🤍 Follow me for updates and be ready for the first episode drop! 🎧 #EmbraceGracePodcast #MotherhoodJourney #GriefAndHealing #podcastersofinstagram #newpodcastalert #griefinmotherhood #griefjourney

I was voice messaging a friend last night and I listened back to check she could hear me ok. As I listened back I could hear my daughters laughing and playing together in the background and it made me smile…but it also made me sad.  I can get so lost in my head, too focussed on the to do list and too focused on holding onto the life I imagined for myself, that I can’t see the beauty in this life, right in front of me.  And it makes me wonder could this life that I do have, actually be greater than the one I imagined? Yes it’s still not without hardship… the house is always a mess, my kids struggle, the list of ‘it’s not supposed to be like this’ goes on….but being in my head about it all the time is taking me away from embracing what is, and what is is pretty amazing!  But it’s not as simple as flipping a switch and then I’m in gratitude and presence with what is. It’s a continual coming back to self, to name and feel the grief I have for the things that aren’t as I imagined, to look at where those fantasies came from. And from this place can I let go and witness the beauty that is in my life as it is. To soak up those moments of my girls laughter and be there for it rather than only seeing it when everything else is as it ‘should’ be (ummm that’s never).  So I invite you to consider, how does grief around how things are, impact you enjoying your life for what it is?  If you would like to explore ‘Fantasies is motherhood’ please join me in circle online on Friday 6th of October 8-10pm (investment $25). Pop a 💖 in the comments or just DM me and I’ll send you details. #fantasiesinmotherhood #motherscircle #presence #griefinmotherhood #authenticmothering

Yes. There’s room for grief. In pregnancy. In birth. In loss. In life. Grief for not having the conception journey you imagined. For not enjoying pregnancy as you had expected. For not bringing your baby into this world as you had worked towards. For not becoming a parent as you had envisioned. Grief for the first months or years of your journey as a parent being spent suffering silently. For not breast/chest feeding your baby as you had envisioned. For being angry. For yelling. For failing to ask for help when you needed it. For having to ask when it should have been available. This is the kind of stuff that drags many mothers down. The stuff that makes up the infamous ‘bag of guilt’ mothers tend to carry around, often because they simply haven’t been allowed to grieve. Grief is a natural human response to loss. And while it is by definition, typically associated with the loss of a loved one, grief exists in other forms of loss… In moments when something that could have been no longer is. In times when ‘just getting over it’ or ‘focusing on the good’ doesn’t cut it. In things which, although seemingly trivial to others, mean the world to you. In experiences which shape you but which are nothing like what you had hoped for or imagined… The bottom line, from where I sit in my corner of the world, watching and working with mothers who carry this pain, is that how you grieve is a choice. What comes first is the understanding and belief that you are allowed to. #grief #motherhood #parenthood #pregnancyjourney #birthexperience #vaginalbirth #cesareanbirth #birthafterloss #pregnancyafterloss #griefinpregnancy #griefinmotherhood #griefjourney #griefacceptance #griefsupport

If you've been here awhile you may have heard me talk about my precious Aunt Gloria, how she was one of the most important people in my life, and how we lost her last year quite suddenly. Grief wasn't particularly new to me, but grief to this magnitude was. I see signs and reminders of her everywhere. I can't even peel potatoes without thinking about how she tried to teach me to peel them, but I was so scared of cutting myself that I'd chop so much of the skin off there would barely be any potato left. 😅 When I went thrifting several months ago I saw this sweet little cowboy boot mug and instantly thought of my Aunt Gloria. She oftentimes rocked cowboy boots, or as she liked to call them "cockroach killers" and she even wore real rattlesnake earrings - the head on one ear and the rattler tail on the other. Her style was wild and eccentric and part of me thought she'd live forever. I don't have her anymore and I'd give anything to get her back, but this sweet mug now lives on my kitchen sink windowsill. The sun sets over that window every day and it almost feels like a hug from her. It really is the simple things that can be the most special. I'm so thankful for the little signs. 💛✨️ If you're navigating and walking through grief I see you, I'm so sorry, and I'm sending you solidarity and love. 💛 . #lifeafterloss #grief #griefinmotherhood

this time of year i really struggle to separate myself from the woman in that picture from two years ago from the woman i am today… the woman who was hanging on by a delicate thread of hope that was unraveling before her eyes the woman who felt so broken so betrayed so alone the woman who questioned everything she did wondering if she was making the right choice terrified of making the wrong one the woman who was so cruel to herself beating herself up for choosing into this life carrying blame for things that were not hers to hold the women who was so full of fear unsure of what was coming next struggling to stay in the now jumping ahead in a timeline that she painted in her mind so uncomfortable in her reality the woman who just needed someone to tell her what to do to grab her hand and hold it tightly as they guided her along to let her know that no matter what happens, she will somehow be okay the woman who was terrified of her husband dying knowing that his addiction had dug it’s claws in so deeply and that it was dragging him further and further away knowing in her bones this could only go one of two ways the women who felt frozen every single day bogged down by parenting alone while her person fought for his life stuck in the same blue chair that still holds her today wishing he could just get better and come home this time of the year as the days continue to pass the heat lingering longer than it should like it did two years ago i realize so much of what was her - is still who i am today there’s beauty in that that woman is still deep inside in the remembering the way her body responds cycling through so much of the above as grief took hold of the steering wheel so as i find myself slowing down soaked in tears in the ever familiar place of ache i find a deep sense of gratitude for the truth in how these women are still somehow one and that together we will come out on the other side if you’re in the thick of it during a heavy grief season as you approach another hard date… let me know if you relate ⬇️

Motherhood and grief A new stage brings both excitement and grief. Motherhood is a full spectrum of emotions. It is grieving over and over again. We watch our children grow, change and become more of who they will be. This can be both joyful and sad at the same time. As they grow, they need us less and less. Which is the way its supposed to be, of course. And yet so hard on our hearts. The quote by Colin Murray Parks states it so beautifully: "The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment." As mamas were 100% committed to our children, we love them with ALL of our heart, they are OUR life. We do it ALL knowing that they will need less and less of us as they grow. Feel it ALL #motherhoodgrief #griefinmotherhood #growth #newphase #momlife #matrescence #matrescencejourney #matrescencecoach #lovegrowrelease

23 months i’ve been dreading this day more than the rest trying to make sense of it only being 30 days left in this relentless countdown until we reach the 2 year mark a mark that will continue on until my years run out and we meet again i can’t stop thinking about when the time will arrive to stop ticking off the months when it no long feels like something i need to do does that start once we cross over the two year mark? like we do with toddlers no longer referring to their age in months only in years as they shift into a new season in time is that what we do with grief? no longer acknowledging surviving another month without you but only the years i’m so tired babe i keep thinking of the sleep that would come from having you back in our bed that deep rest that goes hand and hand with feeling safe and whole i haven’t had that since the day you left i still wish every day you could come home i’m in waiting my heart suspended in time life keeps on going which sometimes feels like the biggest joke and most precious gift all wrapped into one as we live for you bringing you into everything we do the wind whispering your absence bringing your scent into my nose in the times i need it the most i love you please stay close as our feet carry us forward through this month and all the ones to come after i miss you more than words could ever say

two years ago today we sat at a dinner as a family of four the sticky, salty florida air kissed our faces causing out thighs to stick to the chairs and my hair to curl you had taken Noah fishing just hours before while i napped with the baby he caught his first fish ever on those docks this is a memory he still talks about to this day i’m so glad he has it i sat across from you watching you smile and laugh making jokes that made me blush and roll my eyes we split a burger agreeing to come back the next night for another you kept reaching across the table for my hand at times you’d sneak in onto my thigh pinching it as you gave me that all familiar wink i hadn’t seen in awhile but always sat in the top three reasons why i fell in love with you i felt like i could finally breathe i felt like my husband had finally found himself again i felt like we were going to be okay i felt such a deep sense of relief you took this picture of me you were always taking pictures of me most were unflattering but this one made us both smile “i love you three so much” you said as you ruffled up the top of noah’s soft blonde hair he swatted your hand away with a sly smile on his face i felt myself relaxing even more into my chair little did i know you had relapsed earlier that day taking some pills you had found washing them down with the clear poison that had become your crutch that night took a turn as i had to question why you were all of the sudden so sick after i noticed a bottle that wasn’t as full as it was the day before it broke my heart to realize you could only be present with us because you weren’t sober 💔 addiction is a thief with its conniving ways it tarnishes every good memory with its lies it continued to steal so much from us from that day forward as we packed up and came back home the next day not knowing what was ahead i wish i was right that day with the hope i grasped to tightly to i wish you were still here i wish so much this disease wouldn’t of taken you away

two summers ago this place was my sanctuary it was the space i could go when i felt so suffocated by my life with the sun beating down on my face the gentle hum of the bugs filling my ears i’d sit out here for hours and cry this time two summers ago i felt so disconnected from my body as what i now know to be grief ate me alive my husband kept relapsing i was holding in so many secrets i felt so alone so hopeless afraid of what is now my reality while simultaneously being in denial of how bad it really was this time last year i couldn’t step foot in this place everything was draped and covered in painful reminders of him i couldn’t find a way to be present with my kids everywhere i looked i was reminded of all he was missing i was angry bitter i didn’t see the point in living most days every day felt like a chore every weekend felt so painful every secret that i still held in of how bad it hurt of the suffering kept me even more isolated than before today tho things feel different as i float here by myself just like i used to surround by the same sounds long after my boys went inside their cheeks rosy from laughter in the sun their noses sprinkled with freckles i feel at peace even tho my grief is super present right now i feel so damn proud of what we’ve walked through of the hard work i’ve done i feel a stirring for living that has been absent for long i honor that part as it’s taught me so much but as i sit here and reflect i’d just like to remind you of this sweet friends ⬇️ time doesn’t heal all wounds it doesn’t make grief any easier or better it isn’t the magic cure that we are all so desperately searching for in those early days of grief all time does is bring us closer to the one we lost in some unexplainable way one that is only understood by those of us who have been pulled underwater by the relentless waves of grief time and time again time only embeds the grief even deeper into the cracks of your broken heart of your tired hands of the life that you are living now as it fully becomes a part of us never allowing you to forget a love that was lost in this lifetime but that will never truly end

22 months 2 years since we picked you up from treatment 2 years since you took this picture which i love and hate at the same time i can see the ache in your eyes you were so uncomfortable in your skin it breaks my heart right in half 2 years since we had a day that was so full of joy and relief for me i had missed the parts of you i saw that day for longer than most even knew 2 years since we laid in that bed as a family of four and laughed 2 years since we connected in the same bed over having another baby agreeing to start trying when you picked up 1 year clean 2 years since you put your recovery first and went to a meeting that night even though we begged you to stay since you’d been gone for a month 2 years since i was filled with so much hope since i actually felt like i could breathe since i believed the worst was over and that our new life was about to begin 2 years since i believed addiction didn’t win that we had all overcome 2 years since the last good day that we ever had and yet it hasn’t even been 2 years since you’ve been dead i miss you so much babe i hate that the days keep moving by without you but i promise to keep on living and to keep on sharing our truth to help others while honoring you every step of the way i love you handsome

The deeper into motherhood I go & the more mothers I meet, know, and love deeply, the more I see it. The blaring invisible grief. Maybe it’s a moment. Maybe it’s a theme. Maybe it was a season. But it’s there, for so many of us, it’s there. As mothers we learn to bend and contort and shapeshift. We rise to what is required and asked of us. And many times we stumble and fall. And as we weave the basket of new life and new forms we learn to compartmentalize because there simply isn’t enough energy to go there. Grief may come from: Detachment of parts of our identity Detachment from our bodies Sharing your body with another Breaking cycles Not having a mother to mother you Longing to feel like “you” again Lack of community and support Being physically far away from loved ones Experiencing birth trauma or simply grieving an experience you didn’t get to have but deeply desired Grief can come in so many ways, shapes and forms. It can be sharp and isolating. It can be short and temporary. It can be an undercurrent. Long lasting. And everything in between. We hold it in - for lots of reasons - but especially because of our deeply embedded love in our bones for our babies… Because we simply do not have the capacity to explore it. It stays. It lives in our bodies. Until we are able to sit with our grief-filled self and be held, seen, witnessed. And like all spirals of life, when you are ready and able (and sometimes even when we arent) the grief will find you like a thief in the night. Holding a crying baby it will unleash the tears you’ve been holding back, while you wonder who there is to hold you now. Nursing a baby through pain, it will flood your body, how very overwhelming this can all be. Hearing a song that took you back to Maidenhood, your heart will ache. A flash of a bright light in the OR or beeping of a machine will instantly transport you to that moment of overwhelming fear. So, my sweet mama, if this is you, let it be. Like joy and bliss and love and peace… cont in comments

two years ago today i sat in hotel room in dallas hours away from doug watching our babies sleep as he walked bravely alone into a detox facility i can picture every step we took that day neither one of us could find the words the desperation oozed out from behind his dull tired eyes it spoke for us both we surrendered regret tarnishes the memory i should of stayed but instead i sat in a hotel bed hours away watching our babies sleep as tears poured down my face soaking through my shirt he said he wouldn’t go if we stuck around “i don’t want to boys to remember this they deserve better you all deserve better” i clung to every last bit of hope i had pulling it tightly into my chest as fear blanketed me from head to toe knowing this had to be it praying this was the way out he’d been searching for he’d done it once so that meant he could do it again right? i woke this morning to a very similar sight two blonde haired boys asleep in my bed i couldn’t help but think would he still be here if i had stayed that day? lying on the other side of them looking back at me with sleepy eyes my heart shattered in the remembering in the realization that they are so much bigger so much wiser than they were on that day two years ago and how he wouldn’t even know these kids now the sensations i felt that day in this picture cemented those feelings even deeper trauma and grief are all encompassing even on the days i feel ok they are still so present waiting to shake me back into the remembering i so desperately want to forget

join me and @ididnotkillmyhusband as we chat with one of the wonderful alumni from the spring session of Surviving Stigma 🤍 ✨ we chatted a little bit about what grief support was like for her before finding Surviving Stigma ✨ what drew her to the space and what was her “why” for joining ✨ what had been the most impactful part of Surviving Stigma for her ✨ which topics/discussions did she feel resonated with her the most and were the most helpful ✨ what she you say to someone considering joining but may be feeling unsure ✨as well as final thoughts about the container that she felt were important for anyone to know also…. you may want to watch till the for an offer that will only last for 48 hours 🙌🏼

21 months there’s so much i wish i could say to you tell you laugh with you about it feels almost impossible that we’ve made it to this place as i’ve drug my feet day after day arriving here that in only three short months it will be two year since i’ve seen your face felt the way your hand eased so gently into mine since i’ve burrowed my face into that place in between your collarbone and jaw since i felt truly seen by you in every way this morning i was lying in bed watching Walker sleep and all i kept thinking is how we’d spend hours together doing the same stealing glances locking eyes in a knowing of the miracles that we created together oh how i miss those intimate moments no one else knew all the parts of us are now just mine to keep sometimes i’m overwhelmed by that task worried that i will forget all that made us who we were together thanks for showing up today your words were just what i needed to hear and believe me when i say i feel you everywhere i love you so much “the work we are doing together you and me it’s special oh Julia if i could share all the words i never shared and say all the things i never said it would be this you are my girl my person we were doing it building the life of our dreams but i screwed it up i know you keep forgiving me over and over but i wish i could of stayed oh man but the woman you are in my absence she is so present and graceful beautiful and strong filling purpose set forth by something greater than us and i know sometimes you get it sometimes you are able to grasp it and hold on to that and other times your heart is breaking oh Julia there will be more for you i promise just keep holding on and serving the world i always knew you were made for great things”

Didn’t plan to share this on my business account but then I thought maybe someone needed to read this story: While I was in WA for 3 days, an old friend met with me for coffee and gave me a stone called Blue Apatite that she said “wanted to go home with me” 🥰 Turns out one of the connections this stone has is to our throat chakra. The throat chakra is something I’m actively working on clearing for myself. Speaking my truth and no longer holding back to keep the peace for others. These are the flowers I got for my mom that I never got to give her. On Mother’s Day this year, I spent it traveling alone for 12+ hours with a gaping mother wound, desperate to get back to my own girls. I am now fully awake to the abuse, neglect, and trauma I experienced and witnessed in my lifetime from the people who were meant to keep me safe and didn’t. My entire life I’ve focused on trying to heal myself and forgive and have grace for those that causes this harm. Because I love them. But at 31 I am finally learning the lesson that you can keep love and space in your heart for someone and still call a spade a spade. The weeks of the turmoil that this series of events caused is just now starting to uncover itself in my spirit. I’m anxious. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m agitated. And I struggle to land with safety in my body. The day before I flew home, things came to a final head. I felt God speak through me and a fortress of protection went up in my spirit. As I drove away, a feeling I can’t shake washed over me that I needed to understand that was the last time. I came back home and threw myself into my life here. Enjoyed the park with friends, went to the farm, met with some clients… went back to business as usual. I spoke of what happened with friends, detached from the pain. Rattling the insanity off without allowing it to touch me. I kept it together. I shut it out with a protective coldness. And today it all hit me. I’m finally accepting my truth. It tastes so bitter. This cycle ends with me. Cont

The “work” gets to be fun, but this is a space of rebirth. Birth ain’t pretty sometimes, and nor is the constant rebirth you go through as a mama. This is the support to learn self empowering tools to navigate all of that! I am so ready to share and discuss all about grief! #motherhood #rebirth #mamacircle #griefinmotherhood #grief #mamasupport

I was so grateful & humbled to be a part of @leashiaarrowsmith podcast this week! Check out the episode & grab your special gift from us ❤️ . . . . . #motherhood #motherhoodjourney #specialneedsparenting #griefinmotherhood #empoweringwomen #empoweringmothers #podcast #selfcare #mothershelpingmothers #sharingourstories

I had so much fun recording this episode with Kaila on her podcast, Parent Tell @parenttell We talked about how grief can show up in pregnancy (gender disappointment!), during birth (disappointing birth experiences), and throughout parenthood (my baby is no longer a baby!). Grief isn’t just about the loss of a loved one. It can show up in so many different ways, especially when it comes to parenthood. In this episode we talk about how common it can be to experience TWO seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time. ✔️ Joyful that baby is here but grief around how he arrived ✔️ Happy to be a mom but grieving the freedom you had before ✔️ Excited to see your baby hit a milestone but sad she can’t be frozen in time forever Motherhood is a rollercoaster – Let’s normalize the emotional ride! #podcast #grief #griefinparenting #griefinmotherhood #mixedmotions #motherhood #emotionalrollercoaster #parentingpodcast #mompodcast #motherhoodsisterhood

Sending you big hugs mama ♥️

Grief in Motherhood is more than a loss of a person we love. It is in the sadness and longing we feel for the life lived before. The life that feels so very far away. A life we aren’t sure whether we want to go back to, but secretly fear that if we entertained the sadness, the missing of our old life, what this means about us now? But there are so many aspects of it we wish we could spend a moment enjoying again. The freedom to leave the house when you want. Do what you want and when you want. The freedom to be just YOU, again, without the title of ‘Mother’. The grief of a lost full night sleep or Sunday lie in. The ability to do anything or absolutely nothing should you so choose. It is the loss of an experience we deeply longed for. A glowing pregnancy. A beautiful birth experience. A seamless transition into Motherhood. Being able to feed our baby in the way we expected or hoped for. It is the feeling we have, when our reality, is greatly different from what we expected it would be. It is the loss of a relationship we or our children will never experience. A close bond between your parents, their grandparents, and your children. Whether through loss or through your hopes being different from reality. It is Grief for a dreamed of future. The imagined faces, feelings, experiences that you know will never become reality. Whatever led to that loss. Yes, Grief in Motherhood is more than the loss of a person. It touches each and every one of us in some way. I see the weight of what you are carrying. I have felt it too in so so many ways. Here is my permission to feel it. However it is showing up. It matters. You need to. The feelings do not go away. The fighting against it or pushing it away only make it stronger. This grieving is part of the process to accepting what now is. Go with it. I promise it won’t feel this intense, this difficult, this challenging forever. You have got to feel it to heal it my darlings. Go easy on yourself and seek support where you need. All my love Laura x

20 months all i can muster up today is that i really wish you could come home i’ve never been so tired in my life i’m not sure if i’m ready to navigate all that May will bring up things really went to shit two years ago i never thought it would end up this wavy i miss you so much and i hate that life is somehow continuing on without you and that we’ve entered into months starting with “2” all that tells me is that you’ve been gone for too long i hope we’re making you proud i love you babe 🤍

Check out this post from our mom friend @laklein03 on our blog today! Lori is sharing about grief with knowing her family is complete and her husband having his vasectomy. We love sharing other moms stories and helping moms know they are not alone in the journey of motherhood!!! Have a story to share? We’d love to hear to hear it and possibly feature it on our blog! #wearemomfriends #guestpost #beourguest #grief #closingachapter #motherhood #griefinmotherhood #familycomplete

One day I will I miss this. The long snuggles and bedtime routines of little and not so little boys who still want me close. For now. The chatter about dreams, and girls they like, and loom bands, and Minecraft and Jurassic park. This view of my preteen with his Spider-Man poster next to one of little puppies. As he reads his 10th book this week then chucks it out the door, ready for the “return to library” pile. One day I won’t have this view. The upsets over board games gone sour. Of new sports that aren’t working out so well. Of little things that are really their big things. The fights over the front car seat. The complaints about broccoli. The uneaten sandwiches. The occasional night time wake up from bad dreams. I will miss it all. Im past the little years. And I miss it all. The snuggly newborns. The sleepy baby who actually barely slept. The tantrums. The cafe dates for baby cinos. The exhaustion of 4 year old meltdowns. The sweet laughter and joy that comes so easily for littles. The little singalongs of “once I caught a fish alive” Mine are bigger now but still little. Still present. Still needing mum and dad. And eventually they won’t need us so much. And I’ll miss this one day. I already miss it and I’m still in it. It’s my greatest privilege in the world to be a mother. To be their mother. The mental load is beyond comprehension. Im tired. We’ve been through some of the hardest seasons together. But I can sit in reflection, I must! Because it’s all speeding by too fast and some days I need to force myself to be present, to soak it up. My sweet boys and this life we have - a rollercoaster of emotions and mess and joy and glimmers. Enoughness. I’ll miss this one day. ❤️ #motherhood #griefinmotherhood #lettinggo #surrender #illmissthis #raisingboys #mysonshine #staypresent #beingwith #consciousparent #messyparenting #selfcompassionpractice

today is #balckballoonday 🖤 international black balloon day is a day to honor those we lost to substance use, while bringing awareness to overdose deaths
 i wanted to share something i came across in doug’s phone a few months after he died a draft in his notes of a text he never sent… this right here shows the internal struggle so many suffering with this disease are navigating the desire to get better but not sure how the shame the pain the heartbreak i hope you take time to read these words today and let them seep into your heart… “I’m honestly ready for a change, Jules. I feel that way so often, so strongly and so ashamedly, I know I need it. I’m just not sure how to make it or when and it’s so scary. I’ve somehow turned these vices into a wheel chair, I can’t get by without them. I’m terrified of falling down hard and loosing everything again, even when I was sober that was my worst fear; it’s consuming me now. I really don’t want to and can’t let that happen, I have all of you who rely and count on me for lively hood and support, major support. I love that Julia, please don’t misinterpret that as a burden of any kind, I know I would not be alive it if wasn’t for this amazing family we built. I just feel like such a loser right now. It’s not like I’m surrounding myself with the wrong crowd, it’s me, I’m wrong I’m the bad guy. I don’t know what else to say or if I should say any of this. I get so scared to tell you things sometimes, I hate that so much. It is my fault, I just only want to make you happy and laugh and love me and I get scared to tell you things bc I’m embarrassed. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, I know that with all my heart, Julia. (…) I’m always waiting for you to catch a glimpse of the same reflection I see. If I don’t do the right thing, you might actually see the person I see, and that’s the scariest thing for me.” this is why i tell our story this is why i share so openly about my loss this is why i share about doug and my own personal journey with substance abuse to educate to soften the stigma to help others feel seen and understood to honor my person who was so much more than his struggle and the way he died

18 months the outside air today invokes deep feelings of nostalgia it smells just like you of fresh soil and the promise of rain of the sweat that comes from the heavy air pressing down on your skin this morning i was up before the kids just so i could talk to you as i slowly sipped my matcha in the silence i tired to remember what your weight felt like as it sunk into your side of the couch my feet propped up on you lap i miss you so much yet the weight is somehow more manageable to carry the duality of pain and ease is taking up so much space these days i wish your truck could come pulling up as i’m writing these words so i could bury my face in your neck inhaling you deeply and fill you in on all you’ve missed i miss the simple the things most did not see the way your eyes were always on me and how you took my glasses off almost every night after i’d fall asleep how you snuck my shampoo because you liked its smell and how it was like you were taking me with you every where you went or how you always ate all of my my favorite snacks that you claimed were too healthy yet you loved anyways i often times think you’re still coming home on the days i’m the most run down and i’m desperate for a reprieve my whole body aches for you like a warm hug on a cold day it’s the remedy i yearn for to ease all this pain really, we’re doing okay i promise and i know you’re so proud but sometimes none of it feels worth it without having you around . . . #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #widowsupport #addictionloss #loveafterloss #livingwithgriet #recoveryispossible #addictionloss #addictionisafamilydisease #posttraumaticgrowth #purposefrompain

The re-mom change series is here! This week, we're getting all sciency (not a word, but we like it) with you. 📝🥽💡🤓 Spend the next 5 days with us learning all about change, why it's so damn hard, and how re-mom can help you change your working motherhood experience. If there's one common theme with the working mamas we work with, it's this: "something's gotta change". Well, we have a formula for that 😉 Get ready to learn something, friends! Day 1 is all about Grief. Not the happiest topic, but an incredibly important one to recognize and understand. Processing grief is the first step of the re-mom change formula. As working moms, we must allow ourselves the opportunity to grieve our former lives and former selves, in order to ready ourselves to move forward toward a changed outcome. Where are you on the grief curve? Knowing this is powerful, and with the right resources, can help you move toward the second stage of change - acceptance - a whole lot faster and less painfully. Read on, learn on. #motherhood #workingmotherhood #stagesofgrief #griefinmotherhood #workingmoms #workingmoms #motherhoodunplugged #learningmoms #change #changeseries #remomcoaching

i dreamt of you last night it all felt so real waking up felt so cruel you just kept telling me how beautiful i was how proud you are of me affirming me in all that i’ve felt called to do i kept begging you to stay with tears flowing down my face you gently reminded me you had to go but that you were closer than ever before that statement couldn’t be more true i feel you so deeply here tangled up by memories of us feeling your calm peaceful presence everywhere we’ve gone the last few days it makes me yearn for you ever more this place is so special it’s where we fell even deeper in love with its red rocks it’s powerful energetic vibrations and the mountain air that fills my lungs today it’s the place we always wanted to come back to to raise the boys it’s where we spread some of his ashes it’s where the signs from him appear even more clearly the grief process can be so fickle the ache can appear to lie dormant not as present as i tackle the day to day but then i’m reminded that i have all this love stored away pieced together only for him of the story that was meant to go on for longer than it did and breath is taken away all over again do you have a place this occurs to you too?

i’m learning to be patient with this newfound lease on life as i wade through my grieving process leaning in accepting the inevitable integrating the beauty that i allow myself to embody when the suffering begins to ease knowing each day will be different doing my best to release the urge to run to sprint to some invisible finish line to project myself forward in time eyes wide open as i turn the page to the next chapter when the last one never properly ended the story line left open ended as the main character dissipated into the blank page some days i fling the book right open anxious dancing fingers flipping through the pages tracing the words with confidence settling in other days the pager feels heavy weighed down impossible empty the duality of being ready yet clinging to the last is where i stand in waiting for what’s coming unsure of what it is my heart stretches lit up by the idea of next of love of family of living my finger holds the space in between the pages a bookmark of sorts easing its way out a little more each day maybe time running out is a gift i’m not sure anymore but i know i’m ready i’m present in this vastly different life as i forever honor the last does this resonate? i’d love to hear below 🤍

i have a deep wound that revolves around being misunderstood and it’s something been activated so often in my grief inflicting unnecessary pain and questioning the perception that surrounds the incredibly personal process of mourning through deep loss is so skewed placing unrealistic expectations on the human doing their best to navigate life changing trauma and pain more times than not inflicting more hurt than good but if i’m doing well wading through the day to day tasks with a smile on my face people assume i’ve moved past it that i’m miraculously back to who i was prior to the loss and that i don’t need any help if i’m struggling or not as present people assume that i’m depressed isolating or stuck in complicated grief which becomes the foundation of their uncertainty in how to help me so they just don’t show up grief illiteracy is something that i’m realizing is a massive problem in our society today it’s been the cause for me to internalize my process with those who haven’t experienced grief at the same magnitude i have it’s brought up questioning, comparison, frustration a fellow griever said to me a few days ago “it feels like the world is a bit gaslighty at this stage of grief like…shouldn’t you be over this by now?” that description couldn’t be more perfect being gaslight in my grief walk is something i’ve experienced often especially after i crossed the one year mark most think that time is the only indicator in our process and that we should be “over it” after a certain amount of days have been marked off the calendar but what if we worked to change that dialogue? to understand there isn’t on universal path to take after someone you love dies? what if we met each other right where we are at without trying to change anything? what if instead of making is about us, we made it about supporting the griever in whatever capacity they may need? continuing to show up even when we’re not sure how to you don’t have to fully “get it” to be there i know we’re all doing our best here do you relate to this? i’d love to know 🤍

i somehow managed to finish the last task in order to close out your estate yesterday it felt so mindless when this whole thing started something i had to do in order to continue on in this life without you the dreaded probate process everyone wades through after someone dies we never had a will we were naïve in thinking we didn’t need one quite yet now it just hurts after almost 18 months of work that was frustrating confusing that drug out way too long you no longer exist in paper form your name will no longer appear on our taxes the deed to the house medical bills utility bills our bank accounts i no longer can write your name down as my emergency contact or as i fill out forms for the next school year it feels so unfair as we drove home the sun was starting to set i immediately felt the emotion creep in the construction of my throat was almost suffocating driving through the hills like i’ve done thousands of times before the place we both fell in love with where we chose to grow our family with our toes in the soft texas grass riding on the hope of what was to come a life so new with the promise of so much joy on our lips every time we kissed i couldn’t stop thinking of you these burdens that have been a slow trickle attempting to erase you from the physical might shake my sturdy foundation but they can’t take you from me you’re weaved into everything i do you’re the wind the sunshine on my face the stars in my night sky you can never be erased even if the world says otherwise

last night as i was making the bed tucking in the corners of the freshly washed sheets i remembered that you were dead and the bed suddenly felt too big too empty what’s the point of having a king sized bed for one will i ever get used to it? i glanced over at our wedding picture there on your nightstand us smiling as we held hands and i froze one thousands thoughts barreling through my head the familiar feeling of tears stinging behind my eyes as my heart constricted with the pain wishing so badly i could touch you curl up into your side as we read the kids books before tucking them into bed at dinner Noah said “i wish dad could just stop being dead” me too, bud me too but he can’t i’m so tired of these conversations that continue to swirl around in my head long after they end ones that him and i shouldn’t be having you should be here instead at breakfast Walker exclaimed “i wish daddy could come hug me like you do mama” me too, bud me too but he can’t i’m so worn down by holding everyones collective grief alongside mine in my aging hands that you will never hold again i picked up your phone the other day mindlessly scrolling our memories noticing that the pictures didn’t just stop of you the day you died they stopped of me too it’s as if we both ceased to exist there isn’t much documented of how i’ve changed how my eyes have softened around the edges my body too how my hair is sprinkled with silver and the color isn’t the same no more proof that our babies are getting too big to hold on my lap or how that is still their favorite place to be every moment they get i never knew love like the way you loved me you saw me for who i was every flaw dimple that graced my skin every ugly that i felt you praised always documenting me at my worst so we could laugh at it later no one see me that way anymore it’s a deep layer of grief that keeps me up most nights tucking itself away during the day but then i remember that you are dead and i feel like i can’t breathe

great loss changes everything it shifts our world on its axis turning everything upside down often times we feel like our whole purpose in life has changed erased in an instant these identities we cling to parent partner child friend no long fit becoming the catalyst to deep pain the weight seems to intensify when we realize the remedy to that deep pain can’t be found it’s no longer within our reach so the natural instinct is to search for some outside form of relief a purpose in the pain to seek out healing and growth because we’re told this pain is temporary it will pass but what if i doesn’t? what if the point of it all is to learn to integrate it into all we do as it’s burrows its way into our skin? what if the purpose is to simply sit with it? to honor the delicate details that come along with grief? as you yearn for the smell of their skin their perfume the softness of their favorite sweater the calluses that lined the palms of their hands the way their laughter filled the room allowing yourself to be with the ugly truth of how badly this hurts honoring the pieces of your grief that are never meant to pass but to be held with deep reverence no long expending energy into the idea that is has to ease or change or evolve as time passes you don't have to constantly be searching for healing, growth or purpose in your pain you are allowed to just sit with it it’s already changed enough thoughts? did anyone else need this reminder today? i’d love to hear below👇🏼 • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #widowsupport #addictionloss #loveafterloss #livingwithgrief #recoveryispossible #addictionloss #addictionisafamilydisease

i sit here in this chair and i miss you the ache is so deep it runs through me like a sickness coursing through my veins up into my constricted heart my grief swallows me whole once again i sit here in this chair the one in the corner of our bedroom the one that held you as your bent over to untie your work boots time and time again where you let yourself unwind as i curled up into your lap after a long day i sit here in this chair staring at you staring at the urn that holds the all pieces that are left of you my mind not able to make sense of how a body that was once so large so strong can fit into that white, marbled container you shouldn’t be in that box surrounded by memories pictures that came from a lifetime ago with your guitar collecting dust i sit here in this chair and i yearn for your presence if i close my eyes tight enough and slow down my breath i feel you here but it’s not the same i so badly need to hear your voice the steady support that steered the the ship through unstable waters i sit here in this chair and ponder all it’s meaning like i did for 10 days straight after you died staring at the same landscape outside our windows feeling the anger meet me where i am you should be here you should not be dead • • • • • #widowedwife #griefjourney #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #widowsupport #addictionloss #loveafterloss #livingwithgriet #recoveryispossible #addictionloss #addictionisafamilydisease

when i became a widow back on September 1st of 2021, after my husband succumbed to his lifelong battle with addiction and died of an accidental overdose, i felt completely uprooted and lost i felt isolated, alone, fearful, shame-filled, as well as an immense amount of guilt for the way he passed all of these emotions melded together leaving me with a deep yearning for community. to find a sacred, safe space where i could share my truth where i could speak out loud all the dark, intimate, trauma-filled experiences i had walked through, and continued to wade through after losing my spouse, and that in sharing I’d be met with a gentle understanding, not judgment where i could find healing through connection, safety, honestly and relatability i searched fervently for such a space, and when i couldn’t find the solace i was looking for, i began to share my story online when i started speaking out about my husbands struggles, as well as what it felt like to loose him to this disease after years in recovery myself, i was desperate to find others who could say “me too” and share in their experiences with me and before I knew it, so many of you found your way to me, ready to link arms as you exclaimed boldly “ME TOO!” this is when the tiny ember of creating a container for all of us to come together in understanding and to find gentle healing slowly ignited into the flame I like to call 🌙 Surviving Stigma 🌙 in this 12 week intimate, live group container we will ✨share our stories ✨find community ✨explore nervous system support ✨navigate somatic practices ✨dive deeply into the science and statistics behind addiction/alcoholism as well as mental health and trauma ✨share in the intricacies of grief ✨as well as learn from each other as we honor our anonymity in this sacred space 🤍 this group is for any woman navigating stigmatized loss and is looking for support 🤍 ✨ ENROLLMENT IS OPEN ✨ we start the FOUTH cohort on 2/6/24 … link in bio to join! ⬆️

Everything changed for me when I allowed myself to grieve. I wrote this comment in response to a question asking what moms wish other moms would talk more openly about. Sooooo many moms resonated. Here are the facts 👇 It's SO normal to grieve a past life after becoming a mom. Here are some of the things that you might grieve (and that I definitely had to grieve!): ➡️ Things that were easier or quicker before, like getting out of the house. ➡️ The free time you had. ➡️ Your pre-baby body. ➡️ The stronger relationship with your husband. ➡️ The ability to sleep through the night. The funny thing about grief is... The more that you push it away, the more that it builds. The more that you think you "shouldn't" grieve and should be grateful, the less grateful you feel. And that often leads to feelings of helplessness, resentment, anger, irritation, and a short fuse. So try this instead: 🤍 Allow your grief to be felt. Tell yourself that it's okay to grieve what once was. 🤍 Lean into self-care. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Journal about your feelings and what you need. 🤍 Do the things that remind you of who you are. Play that music, do that workout, listen to that podcast that makes you feel like you. 🤍 When you are feeling gratitude for your new life, imagine taking a mental picture and soaking it in. That will increase as time goes on. What did you grieve after becoming a mom? . . . . . . . . #griefinmotherhood #grievingprocess #newmomthoughts #postpartumanxiety #postpartumdepression #postpartumweightloss #postpartumbody #postpartumjourney #lifecoachformoms #lifecoachforwomen

There can be a pressure whether internal or external to not give ourselves full permission to GRIEVE the way that is right for us. There are so many ways to GRIEVE. There are so many reasons to GRIEVE. Moving towards our GRIEF and not away is healthy and healing. Giving ourselves quiet time and space to process and FEEL our GRIEF is important. We are not being melancholic, we are not being ‘victimy’, we are not being too ‘needy’. We are meeting an essential need for our emotional well-being and moving forward. Turn towards not away. Sending support xx

hey you this weekend i’m finally doing something you know i quietly dreamed of for years the passion that grew in my heart for so long that i silenced out of fear or limiting beliefs has transformed and evolved into something bigger more beautiful more healing after i lost you i wonder if you’d even recognize me today the courageous broken heart-centered being i’ve become the one who’s no longer afraid to speak the truth to have the hard conversations allowing emotions to have their place advocating for the way life goes on through the pain to truly live in the way we’re intended to who leaves the dishes out over night and clothes strewn across the floor because i realized quickly after you died how none of that mattered anymore i so badly wish you were here to watch whatever will unfold next come to life but i’m reveling in the duality of missing you and how you feel so much closer in your absence your loss somehow aligning the next steps with its questions and purpose guiding me through • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #overdoseawareness

my six year old made this in therapy today he proudly handed it to me as he climbed in the backseat of our car and nonchalantly said “look mom, i finally figured out how to say how i feel about daddy dying” i smiled as i held my breath feeling the tears burn behind my sunglasses “i’m so glad, baby. i know it’s hard to put these things into words” after he buckled in, he looked up at me in the rearview mirror and said “i really don’t like feeling all these things tho, mama” i nodded in agreement letting him have a moment to process all that was still coming up before he quickly changed the subject and we went about our day this is childhood grief he’s been going to therapy for a year now something i never imagined for my child at this age but its been so imperative as he navigates this life altering loss i know it is such a privilege to have this safe space for him and i don’t take that for granted but what i didn’t realize is how it would impact me too molding me into a softer parent a more patient parent shaping my heart for things that most won’t have to navigate while parenting kids of this age birthing compassion that only comes from experience learning how to witness without solving and truly letting him navigate his grief in the way it feels best to him even if it breaks my heart right in half let this be a reminder that even the child who may appear to be okay coping “beautifully” or managing their emotions well may just be great at holding it all in and hiding their pain away i get told all the time how amazed people are by my boy and how he’s handling it all so well but his hurt is valid and oh so present and it deserves to be heard and held delicately even if it’s not shown outwardly • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #overdoseawareness #childhoodgrief #parentloss

i think one of the hardest parts of grief is not truly knowing who i am anymore there’s this deep crack a wide open void running down the length of my body that stays open yearning for the one person i need the most to come through the door and put me back together again you see i clung to certain roles before doug died especially being a wife and a mother so in having one of those roles ripped away from me without my consent has left me feeling so untethered uncertain of so many things illuminating some major impostor syndrome, fear and uncertainty in almost all i do making all the decisions solo is a lot not having my person to dump all my thoughts out onto is so isolating not having the encouragement of a partner can feel so unfair but here i am now standing at this crossroads of excitement and longing knowing that in an instant i would take my old life back while simultaneously being lit up by the thought of what my future may hold that woman in that picture was so happy so comfortable in who she was and where she was headed but she knows now that the uncomfortable parts the stretching the pulling are only felt to encourage her to live to grow maybe that’s a part of the beauty found in loss the opportunity to truly figure out who i really am because that’s exactly what he’d want me to do • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #overdoseawareness

i find myself incapable of finding the words just like those first few days after your death nothing is quite adequate enough to articulate the ache as i wade reluctantly into year two the yearning the loneliness the exhaustion has really taken over i was so desperate to get out of that first year to somehow survive 365 days without you but now i’d give anything to go back to the numbness to the naivety of what you being dead truly meant i’m finding myself so desperate for your gentle touch the way your hand felt placed on my lower back or cupping my chin when we kissed how it mindlessly played with my hair whenever we laid in bed it makes me sick knowing i’ll never experience that again waves of nausea accompany the pain i went to tell someone a story of us the other day the laughter i felt in my heart remembering the hilarity of the moment was quickly replaced by the hurt that accompanies the realization that these memories only belong to me now i have no idea what I’m doing yet i’ve never experienced such clarity the duality shows up in everything in the crystal clear acceptance of how this is what the experience called life is made up of in its entirety discomfort alongside ease heartbreak alongside love suffering alongside pure joy loss alongside living until the time comes for the ones who love me take their own journey with grief long after i’m gone • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #wedorecover #overdoseawareness #yeartwo #grieving #spouseloss

what does suffering look like to you? feel like to you? is it something you experience in silence or expressed loudly? do you avoid it? or invite it in when necessary? is it something that overtakes every fiber in your being? or felt only in a specific area in your body? suffering is a part of life it’s inevitable as we navigate grief loss relationships the human experience as a whole it’s a state that envelops the whole mind combining the negative emotions with physical symptoms as well it can be painful so painful this form of processing is so necessary but it’s a place we don’t have to stay it’s a way of processing that’s temporary not permanent allowing space for emotion to arise and allowing it the same space to be released when we learn to acknowledge embrace and understand our suffering we can evolve and find peace alongside the pain over the last year i’ve found myself in this state often but after years of practice leaning into the uncomfortable sensations i’ve found a way to ease this state of being through energy alignment through movement through honestly through a gentle acceptance that isn’t always present but imperative to my process this has been key not only in my grief process but in my parenting all of my relationships and the connection i carry with myself • • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #wedorecover #overdoseawareness #suffering #chakraalignment #easingsuffering #embodiedenergy

today i’m 36 and a widow i hate that word but also carry a deeply rooted respect for it so much duality lies here with this new title of sorts and once i accepted this piece of who i was everything changed this past year has been dark but has provided immense growth quantum leaps of sorts projecting me forward as i’ve been stretched and pulled in ways i never thought i would be and those of us who’ve walked a similar path know that the darkness has to come in order for the light to arrive so tonight i wanted i’d share a few of my reflections from the last 365 days… love the ones who show up consistently but make sure to love yourself first appreciate all that makes you who you are the flaws or weaknesses you may think you possess are beauty and strength in someone else’s eyes our children are our greatest teachers the healing they can provide is so pure so good listen to them digest their perceptions soak them in fully they are so valued and important seek the unknown do not be afraid to ask questions and lean into experiences the journey is only beginning once you allow your ego and your fear to soften and quiet the messages begin to arrive trust in the knowing that people show up at a certain time for a reason and that others leave for the same people will let you down and you will disappoint many especially in grief love them anyways and give yourself some major grace laugh please just laugh and know that even though it seems impossible some days it won’t hurt as bad this sucks it really freaking sucks and it’s okay to admit that every single day be vulnerable lean into complete transparency life is too short to live any other way feel the big emotions allowing them to get stuck will only make them fester it’s okay to be sad it’s okay to be angry it’s okay to be whatever you need to be let them out the feelings will pass and as @noraborealis says you are worth documenting take the pictures the selfies your life is worth remembering love you all thank you for being a part of my life today here’s to another trip around the sun 💫🙏🏼🤍

a year ago i had to ask you to leave not because i didn’t love you but because i did words spewed out of me like poison the sturdy foundation i’d built of staying in my own lane came crumbling down i was angry the stewing resentment i swallowed down day after day to protect us all came up and out with such force it scared us both everything moved too fast your apologies were flighty mumbled under your breath as your old t-shirt’s were tossed in a bag you forget your shoes leaving with slippers on your feet you never would of done that before i said things to you that day i wish i could take back somehow i’ve found a way to forgive myself i went to a meeting while you sent me pictures of a twin size bed the sheets crumpled at the end your roommates things strewn across the floor “i hope it make it to the other side again” the sounds of lighters flickering coming from your side of the phone my exhales matched yours envious of the nicotine silent tears coated my eyelashes as we sat in silence with nothing left to say • • • • • #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #copingwithgreif #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #loss #losstooverdose #overdoseawareness #recovery #wivesofaddicts #widowedbyaddiction #widowedparent #addictionrecovery #addictionrecovery #alcoholicsanonymous #aa #widowjourney #griefawareness #wedorecover #addictiontruths

from two to three to four to three the changing of seasons life sifting through the space between my fingers like grains of sand crunchy gritty soft filled with memories that swirl around in my mind like the waves around our toes as the tide drifts back out to sea of salty kisses and talks of the future ahead young hopeful and in love of family vacations tossing babes in the sky smiling so hard it hurt sneaking away for dates letting the waves wash all our worries away the beach will always connect me back to you just like it connects most of us back to ourselves i don’t know much these days but what i do know is our our breaths are limited but our experiences don’t have to be even in his absence there are lessons to be learned experiences to he had and life to be lived it’s what he’d want us to do and what this summers been full of allowing the embers of our grief to burn slowly offering a gentle reprieve from the flames swipe to see the progression of this picture over the years from when we first came to this place in 2014 to yesterday sitting with the last little pieces of him • • • • #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #copingwithgreif #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #loss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #griefislove #griefprocess

this boy my first born the copy and paste of his dad the tender hearted energetically in tune sagittarius cutie oh how you keep my world bright reminding me to just be present alive living on this trip noah reminded me so often to step out of my comfort zone encouraging me without words through action to jump heart first into the unknown his whole world shifted on its axis only a year ago yet here he is breathing thriving more than just existing grief has totally changed the way i parent some days it’s ugly as the anxiety seeps in tears short tempered stretched in every direction the constant need of tiny humans covers me whole but it’s also softened me gifting me patience gentle affection offering me a perspective only deep loss can provide one of knowing of how truly delicate truly fleeting time is sometimes i look at my boys swallowed up by thoughts of what’s to come next wondering why this is the card they’ve been delt but as soon as those feelings creep in relief washes over knowing the reason is much more expansive than i could ever understand it’s bigger than all of us than i could ever conjure up so i lean in and trust • • • • • #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #loveandloss #itsokyourenotok #widowedparent #youngwidow #copingwithgreif #livingwithloss #streamofconsciousnesswriting #journaling #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #widow #soloparent #singleparent #griefjourney

Grief… No one warns you. Nothing can truly prepare you. For the pain and grief that motherhood can bring. It looks and feels different for every mum, But it’s there… In the loss of your old life, your freedom, your time. In the foreign feeling of being in your own body. In the confusion of who you now are. In the fear of the unknown future ahead. In the relentlessness of caring for another when you can’t even meet your own needs. In the loneliness of thinking “it’s just me feeling this way”. In the weight of being hidden under this heavy role of “mum”. In the uncertainty of how to move forward. Grief is an important part of the transformation called matrescence. To deny and suppress it, Is to deny and suppress the reality of this transition - and yourself. It can create shame, comparison, guilt, and loneliness, Further adding to our pain. What if I told you that it’s okay to feel grief - normal even? That it’s a necessary step in the process of separating from who we once were, In order to fully step into who we are becoming. Our roles, our identities, our relationships, our bodies, our everything changes - forever How the hell is that not going to be painful?! Matresence is an experience that brings growth. So along with the loss of what was, Comes the space to allow new parts of us to be revealed. Acknowledging what you are grieving, giving it the opportunity to be seen, and then allowing it to move through you… Is so powerful and crucial in moving into the next iteration of you. Share your grief in safe spaces, connect with mothers who make you feel seen, and heard, and see the gift in grief- and all of the ways it is serving you. Matrescence support coming soon ✨

our first date was 9 years ago today in the backseat of your friends car the way we laughed our hands grazing relaxed energy surrounding us we shared a cigarette after i bought a pack even tho we were both trying to quit five days later you asked to see me again i don’t want to do this whole grief thing anymore i could do without its relentless ways it tarnishes everything even the sunshine reminds me of what’s missing the callous way it seeps in breaking me down i’m angry at the circumstances that have left us here facing it all alone impossible situations that feel so isolating as i slap a smile on again an uphill battle i’m running my feet continue to hit the ground weighed down as the time slips through my fingers inching us closer to the unknown i don’t want to do this whole grief thing anymore yet it is the only place i truly find you • • • • • #widowedthoughts #griefthoughts #grief #griefawareness #lifeafterloss #widowed #normalizegrief #griefcommunity #griefsupport #griefinmotherhood #griefinfatherhood #loveandloss #widowedparent #youngwidow #widow #widower #copingwithgrief #livingwithloss #healingjourney #healingthroughloss #losstooverdose #addictionawareness #wedorecover #overdoseawareness #selfcare #selflove #soloparenting #overcomingloss