Rituals of connection -- create intentional time to connect with your partner. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
couples research study in LA. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
PERPETUAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS = A problem that is recurring and hard to solve. they are from differences in personality and personal background. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
Dr. Gottman's research has shown us that 69% of a couple's problems are unsolvable. There is no solution because the conflict is rooted in personality differences and differences in lifestyle needs. These things are not going to change because they are so deeply rooted in who a person is at their core. SO WE NEED TO GET OUT OF THE MINDSET THAT HAPPINESS WILL COME WHEN WE SOLVE OUR PROBLEMS. Happiness comes from learning to be ok within yourself regardless of what your partner does or doesn't do, learning to accept your partner as the unique person they are, and learning to manage your differences effectively together to find workable ways to be in relationship together. And all of this while embracing the good that you do have together! These are the things that will create a thriving relationship, not solving all of your problems. #relationshiptips #gottman #gottmanmethod #gottmanquotes #mixedfaithmarriage #ldsmixedfaithmarriage #marriagetips #marriagehelp #couplescoach #relationships #marriagetips #marriagecoach #problemsolving #relationshipskills #perpetualproblems #unsolveableproblems #marriage #partnership #marriageconflict #relationshipconflict #conflict
Fantasies lure us in. They keep us stuck. They keep our energy misdirected towards something that won't happen or will not produce results. The idea that there can be a resolution to the differences you have with your partner that drive you nuts is a fantasy. It is a fantasy that your partner will become a different person and more like you therefore resolving your differences. They might be able to understand you, they might get your perspective, they might be willing to do things to work with you, but they still won't become like you, as maddening as that is! The answer is not resolution. The answer is managing differences which looks like give-and-take, letting things go, making requests to find things that are more workable for you, experimenting with different ideas and ways of making it work, both adjusting how you do things to be more in middle ground, learning new ways of doing things, practicing healthy communication to get both perspectives on the table, refining, readjusting, getting help to think outside of the box and get unstuck, and practicing respect through it all! #conflictresolution #conflictmanagement #perpetualproblems #collaboration #negotiation #partnership #marriageadvice #Mixedfaithmarriage #ldsmixedfaithmarriage #marriage #marriagehelp #marriageguidance #marriagecoach #relationshipadvice #conflict #marriageconflict #relationshipconflict #healthyrelationships #marriagetips #marriedlife #relationshipgoals #relationshipproblems #unsolvableproblems #gridlockedconflict #gottmanmethods #RLT
When a couple comes to therapy, they bring up a topic of conflict or disagreement. One partner often feels guilty and frustrated for having a problem with that topic and the other partner feels criticized, not good enough or hurt. This is a rough spot to be in for both partners. My first task is to help them to identify if this conflict is solvable or perpetual. Solvable problems require an effective communication and solution-focused approach. But what it seems like solvable at first, can also turn into a perpetual problem. For example, a couple is in a disagreement about which school they should send their child to. This conflict appears as solvable at first, but then they realize one parent prefers a religious-based education and the other parent prefers a private school with no religious curriculum. The couple eventually realize the problem is perpetual and it's deeper than disagreements on schooling decisions. Perpetual problems can also be solvable as time goes by but they can also take another direction and turn into a gridlock: where everyone feels very strong about their position and compromise feels like a sacrifice. Gridlocked problems require abandoning solution-focused mindset and prioritizing understanding and empathy with non-judgmental approach. The ultimate goal is not to achieve a solution, it is to create mutual respect and acceptance 💜 #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #conflict #conflictmanagement #conflictresolution #acceptance #gridlock #compromise #sacrifice #marriage #couplestherapy #communication #vommunicationissues #relationshiptips #gottman #gottmanmethod
The key to managing problems that aren't solvable because they are due to your core, fundamental differences, lies in keeping things adaptable and moving. Rigidity completely prevents that and leads couples to being stuck. #compromise #negotiation #relationshipskills #partnership #conflictmanagement #mixedfaithmarriage #perpetualproblems #relationshiphelp #relationshiptools
It's all about affect, or HOW you communicate!! When it comes to unsolvable problems, meaning conflicts about your core differences that will always be a part of your relationship, remember the most important thing is always about HOW you talk about the problems. Completely cease trying to be right, to "win", to get the other person on your side. Stop blaming, being critical, defending, and simply focus on things like showing care, curiosity, and speaking and acting with consideration. Do this as you find ways to MANAGE your differences, not solve them. Figure out how to be in partnership as two different people and continuously work on finding ways to allow you to BOTH be a part of the relationship with your differences. That is how to move through unsolvable problems. It is when you are trying to solve the unsolvable problems or trying to eliminate them that you will get totally stuck and start to have emotional distance or tense exchanges. #Gottman #gottmaninstitute #marriagetips #perpetualproblems #emotionalsafety #parternship #marriage #conflictmanagement #relationshiphelp #differentandconnected #marriagecoach #couplescoach #connection #marriagehelp #mixedfaithmarriage #mixedfaithfamilies #ldsmarriage #ldsrelationships #faithcrisis #faithdeconstruction #couples
Interestingly, the Gottmans' research has found that 69% of problems that couples face are perpetual problems. This means that the majority of relationship conflicts are not actually resolvable. Understandably, it is frustrating to have the same arguments over and over again, and surely there must be some remedy. All relationships have perpetual problems that crop up throughout your lives as a couple. Psychologist Dan Wile once said that “when choosing a long-term partner, you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unresolvable problems.” No one escapes this fact. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn how to manage such conflicts and keep their love alive and well. #couplestherapy #marriageandfamilytherapy #marriageandfamilytherapist #couplestherapy #couplestherapist #gottman #perpetualproblems #conflictresolution #rainbowsandbutterflies
SOLVABLE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM EXAMPLES. Solvable problems do not come with a deeper meaning to navigate with your partner. For some couples solvable problems might be perpetual problems if deeper meanings comes along with your perspective on the issue. Solutions to these problems are achievable when we engage in communication and discussion about our needs. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
When we come up against problems in our relationship it can sometimes feel like we are covering the same old ground, again and again. A different perspective however could make all the difference. Check out this months blog for some more thoughts on dealing with disagreements. #mooremarriagemusings #perpetualproblems #perspectivechange https://www.mooremarriagemusings.com/all-locked-up-perpetual-problems/
Solvable Problems in relationships. Solvable Problems in relationships ARE NOT attached to a deeper meaning. Solutions to these problems are achievable when we engage in communication and discussion about our needs. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
Solvable Problems vs. Perpetual Problems in relationships. The Gottman Institute [leaders in relationship/ couples research], discovered 69% of problems that couples deal with to be perpetual problems. In other words - the problems we are always coming back to with our partner might not actually be resolvable. In this case, we prioritize communication and understanding about the problem rather than finding a solution. #couplestherapy #couplescommunication #positivecommunication #solvableproblems #perpetualproblems #couples #couplestherapist #foodismedicine #adhdcoach #adhdawareness #therapist #therapistdenver #therapycolorado #couplestherapy #therapistsofinstagram #adhdlife #adhdsupport #adhdawareness #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawarenessmonth #mentalhealthawareness #couplesandfamilytherapy #couplestherapydenver #gottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy
This is the last blog post in my June series about Dr. Gottman's 4 Horsemen and how they apply to mixed-faith marriages. This blog is all about Stonewalling which is a huge problem and probably one that you encounter more than you realize! Stonewalling tends to happen frequently around value differences. Link to blog is in my bio! #perpetualproblems #gottmanmethod #mixedfaithmarriage #stonewalling #communication #navigatingconflict #faithcrisis #conflictmanagement
It is so counterintuitive to drop the intellectual attempts to reason and convince when it comes to trying to navigate differences. But what we know about relationships is that problems rooted in how people are fundamentally different can't be permanently solved, they can only be managed. Intellectual efforts are usually about trying to minimize differences and eliminate them, which is a dead-end street. What is not a dead-end street is putting your energy into creating emotional safety, friendship, care, respect, affection consideration, etc whenever conflicts around your differences arise. When this happens in both directions, it allows the conversation to move into collaboration, mutual compromises, and workable solutions, which are key ingredients to managing differences well. #mixedfaithmarriage #religiousdeconstruction #navigatingconflict #partnership #communication #perpetualproblems #gottmanmethod #differetandconnected #relationshiphelp #marriagehelp #ldsfaithcrisis #ldsfaithjourney #religiousdeconstruction
The Content Trap Part 2: It’s not content and information that leads to collaboration around your biggest differences with your partner, it is how you are with each other in the moment that softens stances, opens each other up to collaboration, breaks down the walls so understanding can happen. Content and information does not do that, it is always HOW you interact that does that. Interact in moments of your differences with kindness, curiosity, humility, vulnerability, consideration, respect, affection…that will naturally open doors to understanding in ways that sharing content and information never can. This is brain science, we have to feel safe to be open. Sharing information in the form of articles, podcasts, books can make people feel coerced, pressured, judged, dismissed, defensive, and many other feelings OTHER than safe. When it comes to fundamental differences, information is rarely helpful to obtain the kind of mutual collaboration needed to thrive as a couple. The way you interact, however, is extremely helpful in achieving that kind of collaboration around your differences, so put all your focus into how you show up to every interaction! #connection #partnership #mixedfaithmarriage #navigatingconflict #perpetualproblems #differentandconnected #marriageadvice #communicationiskey #marriagehelp #faithdeconstruction #faithexpansion #ldsfaithcrisis #religiousdeconstruction
This is blog post #2 of a series I am doing once a week in June. This blog post starts into the 4 Horsemen as Dr. Gottman calls them, because they are communication patterns that signal that things aren't going to end well in your relationship if you don't make some changes! Criticism is the first of the 4 Horsemen, and it plays a particular role in whether or not you can create effective dialogue around your biggest differences. If you want to know how to effectively work with your fundamental differences in your relationship, it is critical to understand the 4 Horsemen and how to replace them with much more effective communication patterns. While the blog posts this month are more specifically related to conflicts that might arise in mixed-faith marriages, they apply to dealing with all kinds of perpetual problems such as money, family, parenting, household responsibilities, etc. The link to the blog is in my bio! #mixedfaithmarriage #gottmaninstitute #gottman #couplescoach #healthyrelationships #relationshiptools #communicationskills #conflictresolution #conflictmanagement #perpetualproblems
This comes from the work of Dr. John Gottman If you are a parent, you can help your children learn more appropriate relationship expectations by understanding and modeling this. Couples tend to put soooooo much energy into trying to solve their differences that can't be solved by trying to get the other person to be a certain way. Put that energy into more effective management of how you interact with those differences and that will make much more of a difference! Put your energy into kindness and appreciation and respect around your differences instead, or else decide if it's really a dealbreaker. #gottman #gottmanmethods #perpetualproblems #marriagehelp #navigatingconflict #mixedfaithmarriage #mixedfaith #relationshipskills #faithdifferences #communicationskills #couples #relationshiptips
Do you get frustrated when you can't end up in agreement around areas of difference in your partnership? We have been socialized to think that effective dialogue as a couple means ending up in agreement. However we now know, thanks to Dr. Gottman's research, that the majority of the time, couples are dealing with problems where they simply won't ever be in agreement. That is 100% totally normal, and the way to deal with those kinds of "perpetual problems" as he calls them is through "good dialogue," which is not the same as agreeing. #gottman #gottmanmethod #couplescoach #relationshiphelp #marriagehelp #conflictresolution #perpetualproblems #marriage101 #relationshiphelp #communicationiskey #communication
As a couple who also happens to be professional dancers, we've learned the importance of communication. After a decade of dancing, exploring, and teaching he put a ring on it. Let's be real though, sometimes communication can be a real struggle! 💃🏻😤🕺🏻 We wanted to shed some light on perpetual problems so you can keep having moments of joy as precious as these! Perpetual problems are the ones that keep popping up no matter how many times you talk about them, like who's taking out the trash - or who is responsible for competition signups. 🫣😬 According to Dr. John Gottman, over 69% of conflict with your partner falls into this category of perpetual problems. These perpetual problems are caused by differences in lifestyles and personality types, and they can feel never-ending. But the truth is, they are not problems that can be solved. 🔑✨ It all starts with sharpening your ability to empathize and listen to your partner. Holding space for those differences can make a huge difference in finding peace with your partner. ❤️ 📍 #clearwaterflorida 📸 @henrymproductions 💻 https://mtr.cool/oroowwgpam #teamhugoandstacy #westcoastswing #couplegoals #coupletherapy #perpetualproblems #dancecouple #partnerdancing #isaidyes #engaged #engagment #couple #clearwater #clearwatercouple #cutecouple #soulmates
My clients often need to hear this to move forward or to break up. Your problems are perpetual. These issues will continue. There are no solutions. You either need to accept or move on. #perpetualproblems
There are solvable problems in your relationship and there are perpetual problems in your relationships. The ones that always seem to be brought up with no type of resolution. Do you have any in your relationship? Swipe through to see their meaning ➞ #relationships #yourcouplescoach #perpetualproblems #connection #love #therapy #coaching
Did you know that 69% of problems in a relationship are not resolvable? That means the majority of the issues we experience in our relationship CANNOT be "fixed". This could be due to our fundamental differences with each other and all couples have these fundamental differences. But what separates healthy couples and distressed couples is not the amount of differences that they have with each other, it's the way they manage these differences. It is okay to have conflicts and we don't need to completely eliminate them. Our relationship can still thrive when conflicts are effectively managed 🌱 #conflicts #couples #differences #perpetualproblems #relationshipsupport #vancouvercounsellor #premaritaltherapy #couplestherapy #relationshiptips #vancouvertherapy #counsellingservicesbc #counselling #counsellingpsychology #counsellingservices #relationshipcounselling #marriagecounselling #counsellingandpsychotherapy #counsellingonline #counsellingsession #counsellinglife #onlinecounselling
Are you wondering whether you are faced with a dealbreaker or a workable problem in your relationship? Reach out for a free zoom consultation. I work with individuals and couples. Angelika Baum Belief Change & Relationship Coaching +1-905-286-9466 [email protected] On my website you can read some examples of couples who faced a deal breaker. www.greendoorrelaxation.net #relationshipcoach #relationshipcoaching #relationshipcounselling #relationshipcounseling #marriagecoach #marriagecoaching #marraigecounseling #marriagecounselling #dealbreaker #perpetualproblems #compromises #addictionissues #relationshipissues #marriageproblems #angelikabaum #relationships #onlinecoaching
Wondering if it might be time to try couples counselling? Here are some signs you that might benefit! . #therapy #saintjohn #mentalhealth #onlinetherapy #onlinecounselling #thecouplescorner #counselling #fredericton #perpetualproblems #relationshipquote #therapist #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipproblems #relationshipadvice
Rough patches are a normal part of relationships. Learn ways to work through them and strengthen your relationship! #perpetualproblems #gridlock #thecouplescorner #onlinecounselling #saintjohn #novascotia #onlinetherapy #therapy #fredericton #mentalhealth #counselling #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #gottmaninstitute #friendship #admiration #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #gottman #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipadvice #gottmanmethod #couplescounselling
Rough patches are a normal part of relationships. Learn ways to work through them and strengthen your relationship! #perpetualproblems #gridlock #thecouplescorner #onlinecounselling #saintjohn #novascotia #onlinetherapy #therapy #fredericton #mentalhealth #counselling #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #gottmaninstitute #friendship #admiration #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #gottman #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipadvice #gottmanmethod #couplescounselling
#relationshipquote #inspirationalquote #perpetualproblems #gridlock #thecouplescorner #onlinecounselling #saintjohn #novascotia #onlinetherapy #therapy #fredericton #mentalhealth #counselling #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #gottmaninstitute #friendship #admiration #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #gottman #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipadvice #gottmanmethod #couplescounselling
Exercises for overcoming gridlock with your partner! #perpetualproblems #gridlock #thecouplescorner #onlinecounselling #saintjohn #novascotia #onlinetherapy #therapy #fredericton #mentalhealth #counselling #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #gottmaninstitute #friendship #admiration #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #gottman #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipadvice #gottmanmethod #couplescounselling
Exercises for overcoming gridlock with your partner! #perpetualproblems #gridlock #thecouplescorner #onlinecounselling #saintjohn #novascotia #onlinetherapy #therapy #fredericton #mentalhealth #counselling #couplescounseling #couplestherapy #communication #couplestherapist #gottmaninstitute #friendship #admiration #relationshiptherapy #newbrunswick #moncton #relationshipgoals #gottman #trustbuilding #healingrelationships #relationshipadvice #gottmanmethod #couplescounselling
Today our team at CCATL met with Dr. David Woodsfellow! Thank you for your amazing feedback and knowledge. We had so much fun roleplaying, and learning about pausing, validating, and translating couples during a session. Thank you for your time, it’s always a pleasure to meetup. #couplestherapy #couplescounseling #relationshipadvice #perpetualproblems #divorce #marriage #therapistsofinstagram #gottmaninstitute #couplescounselingatl #therapy #fights #solutions #drdavidwoodsfellow #davidwoodsfellow
Did you know that 69% of problems in a relationship are not resolvable? That means the majority of the issues we experience in our relationship CANNOT be "fixed". This could be due to our fundamental differences with each other and all couples have these fundamental differences. But what separates healthy couples and distressed couples is not the amount of differences that they have with each other, it's the way they manage these differences. It is okay to have conflicts and we don't need to completely eliminate them. Our relationship can still thrive when conflicts are effectively managed 🌱 . . . . . #couplesontheroad #conflicts #couples #gottman #johngottman #gottmanresearch #differences #perpetualproblems #relationshipsupport #vancouvercounsellor #premaritaltherapy #couplestherapy #relationshiptips #vancouvertherapy
Step 2 of the Softened Start-Up is all about describing as neutrally as possible, what happened. It’s putting your own perceptions and feelings into words, and using a softer tone. Watch our latest video on this topic (step 2) with our Gottman-Trained therapist and full-time couples therapist at Couples Counseling ATL, Matthew Richardson. Finally, stay tuned these next couple of weeks to learn more on these topics! #couplestherapy #couplescounseling #relationshipadvice #perpetualproblems #divorce #marriage #therapistsofinstagram #gottmaninstitute #couplescounselingatl #therapy #fights #solutions #gottmaninstitute #adhd
I’ve noticed a trend in my work with single clients who are dating with the intent to marry. Once perpetual problems surface with their partner, they wonder if that means the relationship is “doomed” to fail. The reality is, all relationships have perpetual problems. In fact, research has shown that the majority (69%!) of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that will resurface again and again in the relationship. The question is not *if* you will have them, but *which set* of perpetual problems you will be navigating over time. It is absolutely okay to have dealbreaker perpetual problems that you are unwilling to commit to. In fact, I encourage you to identify what your non-negotiables are! But go in with the understanding that any long-term relationship will come with it’s own set of unsolvable problems.
Solvable vs. Perpetual problems💬 Well-known for decades of meaningful marital research, @gottmaninstitute has identified two categories of marital conflict: solvable and perpetual. ▫️Solvable problems are situational. The conflict is simply about that topic, without deeper meaning. With solvable problems, a solution can be found and maintained. ▫️Perpetual problems are issues that resurface throughout the relationship. They usually center on fundamental differences in personality, needs, values, or dreams. In unstable relationships, perpetual problems can lead to “gridlock” and, eventually, to the demise of the relationship.
Perpetual problems in relationships can be evident from the very beginning—if you know what to look for. ✨ Perpetual problems are the result of fundamental differences in your personalities or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs. ✨ Other couples might seem to have similar problems but are able to solve them, but you and your partner will return to these problems over and over. It’s your 10th visit to your partner‘s home and you notice some dirty dishes in the sink, there’s a trail of socks leading to the bedroom…Or their space is tidy, smells nice; even the toilet is clean. They talk about saving money for a future plan, or they spend lavishly. No matter what, every relationship will have perpetual problems, but the strength of your bond can help you navigate these problems through creating comfortable compromises. If you’re dating to find a long-term partner, see if you can notice the subtle ways that they express their lifestyle preferences. 🌿 ⠀⠀ . .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ .⠀ #relationships #relationshipcoach #vancouvercounsellor #therapistsofinstagram #therapistsofig #counselorsofinstagram #counsellorsofinstagram #gottmanmethod #relationshipproblems #relationshipproblem #perpetualproblems
#PerpetualProblems Is the #ClimateCrisis truly a crisis? If so why the lack of urgency? Is #hunger truly a problem worth solving or it is a problem worth using to generate more finance to solve the perpetual unending problem of hunger? Both feel like #PerpetualProblems!
When a conflict arises in your relationship, knowing what issues/problems/disagreements are solvable and engaging with one another in meaningful dialogue is a game changer ✨️ Solve the problems that are solvable! Keep in mind that not every problem is solvable. Some of the problems in your relationship are called "perpetual problems". Perpetual ones are unsolvable by nature because they're mostly stemming from the differences in your personalities and lifestyle needs 🌼 So, instead of fooling yourselves into thinking you can resolve conflict, you have to increase your capacity to effectively manage conflict as a couple. Conflict is inherent to marriages, and research finds that 69% of conflicts reported by couples are perpetual in nature! (This is a big number!!!) 👉🏻 Embrace these realities, and when they arise, don't perceive them as threat to the marriage or your personal wellbeing. Manage the conflict as it arises, but don't dwell on it... Seek couples therapy if you want to learn how to manage conflict in your romantic relationships 🤗 #conflict #healthyrelationships #gridlock #conflictmanagement #gottman #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy #couplestherapy #couplestherapist #marriage #relationships #healthymarriage #healthyrelationships #gottmaninstitute #perpetualproblems #communication
How often are you and your partner arguing about “perpetual problems” that may never be resolved? How many of those challenges are because you don’t understand each other’s neurology? How can you better understand each other? Asking each other the questions in the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Card deck may help.💗 Check out the link in my bio to listen to the “Neurodiverse Love” podcast or to check out our website. Click on the link in my bio to buy a deck of the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards. If you are interested in joining our free “Neurodiverse Love” peer support group for the neurotypical partners, please DM me for more information. #neurodivergent #asd #autismspectrumdisorder #neurodiverse #neurodiversity #neurodiversemarriage #aspie #aspielife #autisticadults #aspergersrelationship #aspergers #aspergersyndrome #neurodiverserelationship #neurodiversecouple #neurotypical #relationships #relationshipissues #relationshipproblems #marriageproblems #marriageissues #communicationproblems #communicationissues #neurodiverselove #loveonthespectrum #NDLoveConversationCards #couplescommunication #understanding #johngottman #drjohngottman #perpetualproblems
Couples therapy or marriage counselling is not the last stop before a divorce or break up. It can also help with; 🥰building trust 🥰communication skills 🥰conflict resolution 🥰anger management 🥰problem-solving strategies 🥰exploring relationship goals 🥰defining relationship responsibilities 🥰working through specific life changes and challenges. What's one myth you have heard about couples therapy that has stuck with you. . . . . . . . . #trust #betrayal #couplestherapy #marriagetherapy #couples #couplesgoal #copingskills #perpetualproblems #counselors #helpishereforyou #findyourinnersparkle #knowyourselfworth #knowyourself #youwillheal #therapytips #therapeutichealing #soulguidance #selfhealingjourney #mindbodyhealing #premaritalcounseling #healthyrelationship #marriagehelp #relationships #therapy101 #marriagetips101 #helpforcouples #hurtingsouls #soultherapy #healthyrelationship #anxietytoolkit
@lindsaybraman 🙏 Every relationship goes through rupture and repair. That includes therapist-client, friendships, colleagues and romantic partners. The rupture may be fleeting or an estrangement. It's good if we can learn to voice our own needs and name when our boundaries have been breached. Letting too much stuff slide can result in snapping. It's helpful if we can meet things as they arise rather than letting things accumulate. When ruptures occur can you say how you feel? Using 'I statements' helps others hear us rather than go on the defensive. Eg 'I felt really judged and a if you thought I was stupid when you said that' rather than 'you're always saying horrible things to me'. We have to pick a good time for these repair conversations. Sometimes we need to let the heat go out of the moment or argument first but it's good to acknowledge the desire to repair. 'I don't want to be arguing with you but I need to go for a walk right now, I'd like us to talk about it later' Some ruptures will result from perpetual problems that don't really have a solution. We have a choice to accept this is something we don't agree on or decide it's a red line issue dealbreaker for us. #ruptureandrepair #relationships #couplegoals #conflictresolution #couplestherapy #communicationskills #ownmystuff #attachmentstyles #listeningskills #boundaries #estrangement #istatements #onthedefense #pickyourtime #chooseyourbattles #perpetualproblems #acceptance #learntoarguebetter
True… Repost from @eccchicago • @gottmaninstitute says 69%? Yep, you read that right. The good news is this helps normalize that almost ALL relationships struggle with perpetual problems. . It's Blog Day Wednesday, and Sara Haynes, LPC, ALMFT maps about the most effective ways you and your partner can work through a gridlocked perpetual problem. . *Hint* It involves a little bit of compromise, but a lot bit of exploring your uncompromising needs. . Check out the link in our bio to read more (and be sure to read @jenny.t.therapy additional reading on this topic)! . #gottman #gottmaninstitute #thegottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy #gottmantherapist #perpetualproblems #conflictresolution #conflictskills #attachmentstyles #effectivecommunication #positivecommunication #chicago #chicagotherapist #chicagotherapists #chicagoblogger #nonviolentcommunication
@gottmaninstitute says 69%? Yep, you read that right. The good news is this helps normalize that almost ALL relationships struggle with perpetual problems. . It's Blog Day Wednesday, and Sara Haynes, LPC, ALMFT maps about the most effective ways you and your partner can work through a gridlocked perpetual problem. . *Hint* It involves a little bit of compromise, but a lot bit of exploring your uncompromising needs. . Check out the link in our bio to read more (and be sure to read @jenny.t.therapy additional reading on this topic)! . #gottman #gottmaninstitute #thegottmaninstitute #gottmanmethod #gottmanmethodcouplestherapy #gottmantherapist #perpetualproblems #conflictresolution #conflictskills #attachmentstyles #effectivecommunication #positivecommunication #chicago #chicagotherapist #chicagotherapists #chicagoblogger #nonviolentcommunication
Ever feel like you’re arguing over the same thing in your marriage? I’m taking a couples therapy class right now and reminded of Gottman’s research in marriage. His love lab revealed that problems in marriages are 70 percent unsolvable. While these problems can’t be solved (for example: one likes to go out all of the time, one prefers to stay in), it’s how couples effectively communicate about these problems that makes the difference in marriage. “The goal should be to create a dialogue about the perpetual problems that communicate acceptance, love and humor” What are your perpetual problems in your marriage (mine I mentioned earlier, the introvert vs. extrovert thing 🤷♀️!) Check out my article: Pitfalls and Possibilities on the Road to a Healthy Marriage published @good_therapy #linkinbio
👀Some families deal with the same parent-child conflict for years: “Go to bed!” “Help me clean up!” “You have to get your life in order!” 👀Sometimes these same arguments go on day after day, for literally years. 👀Why is that? Is it possible that the conflict is serving a purpose? 👀Maybe it keeps you and your child engaged. Maybe it deflects from other bigger issues. 👀Think about it and see if there is a purpose to this perpetual conflict that you haven’t discovered yet. . . . Photo by: @workplaybranding
I love this post from @nedratawwab 🙏 For me, moving towards accepting the things I cannot change was a big part of promoting feelings of peace. Somethings cannot and should not be accepted but there are also perpetual problems which will always exist despite the discomfort of causes for us. Learning to unhook, to detach, to create boundaries and accept are all ways to try to tolerate or manage that discomfort. #weareallimperfect #perpetualproblems #innerpeace #acceptance #radicalacceptance #toleratediscomfort #distresstolerance #emotionalregulation #unhook #therapyworks #corktherapist #douglasvillage #douglascork
Healing is not linear. It's that old adage of peeling back the onion. We never truly go backwards because it's with slightly different knowledge, perspective, awareness and skills. The perpetual struggles of our life will always be present in some way and exacerbated in times of stress. Can you meet these with self compassion? #saturdaymorning #perpetualproblems #peelingbacktheonion #healingisnotlinear #neverreallythesame #stormandstress #corktherapist
How do you live to be 99 years old? A lot of luck and some good life philosophies! At his 99th birthday celebration last weekend, my uncle talked about he was just plain lucky in life. Lucky to survive illnesses, get a safe assignment in WWII and Korea, not face the racism his friends faced. ... And he says he's lived to 99 by living a few simple principles: ~I refuse to spend my time worrying or upset about things I have no control over. ~You have the right to be exactly who you are, no matter how much it pisses me off. ~I love you for who you are and not for who I think you should be. ... Other lessons I learned this weekend: ~My aunt and uncle (the older couple in this photo) have been together for 55 years. They met when he was 46. If you're divorced or single or in an unhappy relationship and thought your chance at a long lasting love was passed, it's not! ~My aunt told me about my grandpa's third wife, how he wasn't sure he should marry her because she was ill and they were old. She said go ahead, why deny themselves happiness no matter how long it lasted? He got married. And they were happy for the year and half she lived. You're never too old for love and romance! ~Don't ignore the introverts. My uncle outgoing. His social calendar is full! And in my aunt's words, she "doesn't require much." She knows how to support a partner who is different from her, to love him in getting his needs met even when hers aren't the same. ~Never stop working and finding meaning in your life. Do my aunt and uncle still work full time jobs? NO! But they've never stopped having projects they enjoy and contributing to their community. ~The younger couple in this photo has also been together for over 50 years. And you know what? They still have disagreements about the proper way to load the dishes. A successful relationship does not require you to be free of conflicts or to solve all your problems. Happy relationships are ones where you can laugh, and joke, and love each other through them. What have you learned from your elders? #listentoyourelders #relationshipgoals #perpetualproblems #99yearsold #wisdom #relationshiptips #introverts #luck #love
#Repost @your.relationship.talk ・・・ ✨Sometimes just saying sorry isn’t enough. When you find yourself in a situation where you need to make an apology, it’s important to underhand what makes a meaningful apology. ✨A genuine apology is so much more than admitting blame. It’s about understanding how your actions impacted the other individual. Finding out how they feel, validating their feelings, making them feel heard and working together to find a solution or come to a compromise. 👉🏾Like and share in your stories if this post was helpful for you. . . . #relationshipdynamics #sayingsorry #apology #couplestherapy #strongrelationship #marriagecounsellng #coupleconversations #coupletherapy #communicationskills #communicatingwithkids #conflictresolution #perpetualproblems #gottmanmethod #relationshiptherapist #relationshipcoaching
Arguments get stuck on repeat due to two common relationship tendencies: the temptation to try and change our partners. And our need to be right. 💭 We may have been conditioned to believe that every relationship issue must be solved and every problem has a solution. But that simply is not the case. 🤷♀️ In fact, perpetual problems are normal in a relationship. John Gottman even notes that 69% of couple problems recur throughout the relationship. We all have different needs, perceptions, beliefs and habits which can be hard to break.⚡️ Focusing on getting your partner to see things exactly the way you do is futile. What counts is your ability to move past these blockers instead of getting caught in a repetitive loop of the same argument. ✅
✨Sometimes just saying sorry isn’t enough. When you find yourself in a situation where you need to make an apology, it’s important to underhand what makes a meaningful apology. ✨A genuine apology is so much more than admitting blame. It’s about understanding how your actions impacted the other individual. Finding out how they feel, validating their feelings, making them feel heard and working together to find a solution or come to a compromise. 👉🏼Like and share in your stories if this post was helpful for you. . . . #yourrelationshiptalk #relationshipdynamics #sayingsorry #apology #apologising #couplestherapy #strongrelationship #marriagecounselling #coupleconversations #coupletherapy #communicationskills #communicatingwithkids #conflictresolution #perpetualproblems #gottmanmethod #gottmaninstitute #gottmanrelationshipblog #sydneycouples #relationshiptherapist
Not all relationship conflict can be resolved and when that becomes the goal, your relationship is headed to conflict gridlock. . Today on the podcast I'm sharing a conversation with couples therapist, Laura Silverstein about how to recognize the two types of conflict so you can avoid trying to solve problems that can only be managed. . The principle of solvable and perpetual problems is one of the #sevenprinciplesformakingmarriagework from #drjohngottman. . You can learn more about the Seven Principles by listening to my whole podcast series on this topic. It starts with episode 30: Debunking Relationship Myths. Click the link in my bio to listen now. . . . #podcaster #podcastforwomen #podcastforcouples #marriagepodcast #makingmarriagework #gottmaninstitute #gottmantherapist #conflictresolution #conflictmanagement #perpetualproblems #marriagegoals #relationshipadvice #relationshiptips #helpformoms #helpforwomen # #helpforcouples #lifecoachingforwomen #relationshipcoaching
There are no magic wands in therapy. I don't have the solution but I believe you have all the answers within. Together we can explore what's challenging and build new perspectives, coping strategies, reframing opportunities and resilience. It's less about solving problems and more about enhancing your ability to cope with them. . #nomadic #resilience #copingmechanisms #survivalstrategies #flourishing #languishing #growing #evolving #reframe #newperspective #perpetualproblems #fixedmindset #youhavetheanswers #saturdaymorning #corktherapist
Most couples in my culture have one or more issues. For some reason, we avoid seeking professional help. We usually just gather in groups and chat about it thinking that we’re helping ourselves. Gathering together to talk about it might release some tension but it never really changes the nature of the issues. This creates partners who perpetually feel powerless in their marriage. Widespread dysfunction. #seekhelp #attachmentstyles #perpetualproblems #marriage #divorce #cyclicalissues #solutions #growthmindset #familyreunion
69%! You read that right. This staggering stat really helps put perspective on relationship conflicts, when they occur, why they occur, how the occur. The goal is to figure out how to communicate about these perpetual problems so that a couple does not find themselves avoiding the topic or using harmful ways of discussing them that damages the relationship itself. What are some of the perpetual problems in your relationship? The relationship is NOT doomed. Communication is key 🤍🔑 Leave a 🤍 if you were surprised by this stat. Statistic courtesy of the longitudinal studies done by @gottmaninstitute #relationships #relationshipconflict #staggeringstat #unresolvable #couplesconflicts #perpetualproblems #couples #communicationiskey #communication #bekind #becompassionate #talkaboutit #wearedifferent #differentpeople #couplescounseling #marriagecounseling #marriageandfamilytherapy #marriageandfamilytherapist #saturdaystatsandfacts
What causes recurring arguments in relationships? 💭 We may have been conditioned to believe that every problem in a relationship needs or has a solution but that is simply not the case. ❌ Some problems are perpetual and keep surfacing throughout the relationship, without a quick or easy fix. For example, if you find yourself often arguing about how to clean 🧽, when to clean, whether to spend your days off cleaning or relaxing, these can be called perpetual arguments. John Gottman even notes that 69% of couple problems are perpetual! So what causes these recurring problems in a relationship? It is often our desire to try and change our partners or our need to be right. 😇 But the truth is that we all have different needs, beliefs and habits, which can be difficult to break. Trying to force your partner to see things in the same way you do will only get you stuck in arguments. Instead, it is important that you learn to move past these blockers as a couple, instead of getting caught up in a repetition of the same argument. ⚡️ Have you experienced recurring arguments in your relationship? How did you move past them?
"You can't be in a relationship and not have conflict. Not if you're doing it right." - John Gottman (Eight Dates, p. 6) Did you know that 69% of our relationship problems are perpetual, aka. unsolvable? But that's okay, it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed to fail. Check out my new post, "Perpetual Problems in Marriage and How We Tried to 'Solve' One of Them" #threadsofanxiety #blogger #marriage #johngottman #eightdates #relationships #conflict #perpetualproblems
@sitwithwhit Progress is not linear. Sometimes it seems like we relapse back to the beginning but it's more like meeting the same challenge with slightly different skills, perspective, experience..... We all have our own perpetual challenges that will never be 'done'. Solving problems is not what therapy is about, but helping us to live with more ease and peace. #livewithease #findingpeace #perpetualproblems
Perpetual problems are issues that couples might return to over and over. They normally are centered around fundamental differences in your personality or lifestyle needs! Perpetual problems are more tricky to deal with in relationships, as sometimes they aren’t solvable. With solvable problems, conflict is usually situational and a solution is likely to be found and maintained. When a perpetual problem arises, the most important thing a couple can do is to establish some sort of dialogue around it. If this can’t be reached, the conflict is likely to become mishandled and gridlocked, meaning that it will eventually lead to emotional disengagement. This normally leads to more criticism, contempt, stonewalling, and defensiveness. Building a deep and meaningful relationship often requires reflection. Think about the types of perpetual problems you might be experiencing in your relationship. We have shared just few examples above. Which problems are you constantly circling back to? Have there been conversations around it, and is support needed? ❣️ If you’re seeking support or guidance around maintaining a relationship with unsolvable conflict, couples counselling might be right for you. [Source: The Gottman Institute] . . . #perpetualproblems #relationship #dating #marriage #couplescounseling #relationshipconflict #emotionalintelligence #healthyrelationships